The Grief Toolshed: Chair & blanket - it's all about the self care

#152.  How can a metaphorical chair and a blanket help us in grief? Let's find out.

This is The Silent Why, a podcast on a mission to open up conversations around grief, asking if hope can be found in 101 different types of permanent loss.

Welcome to my brand-new series of episodes - The Grief Toolshed.

In this series, I’m visiting the garden tools shared by our Let’s Chat guests (from my metaphorical toolshed) and turning them into practical, supportive tools we can use when we face grief. One per episode. Together, we’ll unpack them and explore how to actually use them when grief shows up.

And in this episode, I’m looking at how a chair and a blanket (given to us by Kriss Kevorkian, in her Let’s Chat episode about environmental and ecological grief), can help us prepare for, and get through, grief.

Think of it as building your own toolkit - ready for whenever you need it most.

Listen to Kriss' full episode, Let’s Chat… Environmental and Ecological Grief, here: https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/7e424efd/lets-chat-environmental-and-ecological-grief-with-dr-kriss-kevorkian

If all this is new to you, and you have no idea what’s going on, listen to the episode I put out introducing this new series, ‘Introducing… The Grief Toolshed’:
https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/7dad62e8/introducing-the-grief-toolshed

Transcript

Welcome To The Grief Tool Shed

Claire 0:00

Hello, I'm Claire. This is a Time of My Podcast, exploring all kinds of grief and loss, and welcome to my metaphorical tool shed, where I'm exploring all the tools that my Let's Chat guests have shared with us over the last few years to help us navigate grief. If you're not sure what any of that means, you can check out the Introduction to the Grief Tool Shed episode for a full explanation of this series. So, what was the sixth tool that I was given to add to my shed? Let's go and find out. Come with me into my tool shed.

The Chair And Blanket Tool

SPEAKER_01 0:44

Not sure if you would have this in your tool shed, but maybe just a blanket or a lawn chair of sorts?

Claire 0:52

A chair and a blanket. Yes, in this Let's Chat episode, I spoke to Chris Kavorkian about environmental and ecological grief. Chris is an expert in grief, death and dying, and has worked hard to become a leading authority on environmental and ecological grief. She's no stranger to loss and grief in her personal life, and since seeing them on a seventh grade field trip, she now has a great passion for Wales, which has led her to study and research the decline of the southern resident orcas in the Salish Sea. I should clarify Wales, not the country, the animal. Or is it a mammal? Anyway. At the end of the episode, I asked her what tool she'd like to add to my metaphorical tool shed that could help others going through loss. And she wanted to add a chair and a blanket. And usually I would say this is something you definitely need in the UK. You need both of these things because if you're sitting outside, it is usually cold. Except this week. As I'm recording this in June 2026, it is over 30 degrees in the UK, and we're expecting 39 degrees Celsius where I am this week, so you certainly don't want to be thinking about blankets. However, I'm just going to be talking about a metaphorical blanket, so hopefully no one will feel too hot listening to this. Metaphorical blankets are much cooler to deal with than real blankets. Right, let's see how these things can help us with our grief

What Self-Care Really Means

Claire 2:09

work. I think the tools this week really speak to me about self-care. And self-care is a funny old thing nowadays. It sort of feels like a newer concept somehow. When you look up definitions of self-care, it suggests it's the practice of intentionally engaging in actions that promote your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health. So it's not selfish or solely about pampering. It's an essential maintenance tool to lower stress, prevent burnout, and build resilience. The National Institute of Mental Health says, self-care means taking the time to do things that help you live well and improve both your physical health and mental health. This can help you manage stress, lower your risk of illness, and increase your energy. Even small acts of self-care in your daily life can have a big impact. And I expect you're already having a reaction to this, just the topic being mentioned.

The Guilt And Pushback Around Self-Care

Claire 3:02

So just stop for a moment and think about what that is. Is there some guilt washing over you at the thought of it? Is there jealousy for those who are good at it and allow themselves to do it? Is there some cynicism there at the idea? Is there the assumption that it's selfish? Are there thoughts that reduce it down to just airy fairy claptrap? Maybe you love it. Maybe it's the best thing you ever learnt about. There'll be a huge mix of reactions to this, largely depending on what you've been exposed to over your life, what you've been taught and what you've seen. Think about that first reaction that you had. Now just ask yourself why you feel that way. What comes to mind? Are you thinking, I don't have time for that kind of thing? Is that arrogance speaking? Or is that jealousy? Everyone has time for self-care. Were you thinking it doesn't make a difference, it won't help me? Well, what makes you think that? Is that past experience speaking? Did you really try something that was just for you? Or did you try to make something fit that wasn't really right? Maybe you're thinking it's not a priority. Why? What else have you got going on right now that's more important than taking care of yourself? Oh, maybe you're looking after others. What makes you think you're giving them your best if you don't look after yourself first? It's self-indulgent. Okay, well, where is that line? Is it self-indulgent to sleep when you're tired? Eat when you're hungry, shower when you're dirty? Maybe you're thinking it's countercultural to what I believe. Okay, maybe you're one of those people who thinks that life has to be about constant sacrifice. But where does that come from? Even as Christians, the Bible tells us to love others as we love ourselves. If we don't love ourselves, respect ourselves, take care of our body and the mind that we've been given, how do we give out to others properly? Let's face it, whatever your opinion on it, you already do it. You do things that you want to do. You are already doing self-care, whatever you think of it. You want to watch TV? You watch TV. You want to write a letter? You write a letter. You want to be the host for the family? You host the family. We do so many things every day that we have chosen to do. Our whole lives and setup is to a large degree what we have set them up to be. What we spend our money on, what we choose to do with our time, what our family looks like, how clean our house is, how we dress, etc. etc. are all choices we have made in some form of self-care. Whether we're using the correct definition or not is a different thing completely, but we are to some degree taking care of ourselves and doing what we want to do with our lives. Even if you're choosing to be completely self-sacrificial, you are choosing to do that. There's probably an argument out there that even that is selfish because you're choosing to do it, but I'm not going to go down that rabbit hole.

Why Modern Life Needs Self-Care

Claire 6:00

I think going back 50 years, there's a chance that maybe self-care wasn't as needed. So maybe it is a newer idea. When life was simpler, before phones and the internet, we had more natural enjoyments. I do believe there was less stress, or different stress. The TV did not dominate spare time. Life naturally involved an element of self-care, perhaps. Maybe we were in the garden because we were growing food. Maybe we were chatting to friends and family because there was no TV. Maybe we went to bed in good time because we didn't have electricity. However far back you go, life was simpler compared to the stress we have now with all our electronic devices. If we don't protect our mind now from what is coming at us 24-7, we can drown. If we don't protect our bodies from the damage of office life or stress, parenting, school, work, family, whatever it is, they can fail. Self-care is perhaps more needed now than ever, because it's the only time our minds and bodies might actually get to rest and reset. Sitting in a comfortable chair and pulling a blanket up around you. To me, it just seems like the ideal place for relaxation. Throw in a cup of tea and a good book, I'll be there. Well, not in this heat, but normally I'll be there. But what might self-care look like? What might it look like for you? I'll try and list some things because it's very unique to different people, and maybe some of these will stand out to you as things you really enjoy. And then that can help you work out a bit more about what self-care might look like for you. You

Simple Self-Care Ideas To Try

Claire 7:33

can apparently split self-care into eight different categories. So these could all come under different types of self-care, like physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, intellectual, environmental, social, and financial. Here's some ideas. Regular exercise. Ugh. Eat healthily. Regular meals. Stay hydrated. Stick to a sleep schedule. Meditation, muscle relaxation or breathing exercises, post-work wind-down routine. Listening to music. Reading, cooking or baking, time in nature, low stress hobbies, setting goals and priorities, learning to say no and appreciate what you have accomplished. Practising gratitude, meeting up with friends and family, a relaxing shower or hot bath, lavender on your pillow, special teas, prayer, arts and crafts, shopping, doing a puzzle, travel, spa days, taking medication that's been prescribed to you, yoga or pilates, therapy or counselling, church or faith gatherings, gardening, annual leave, volunteer work, watching sports, clearing or cleaning parts of your home, applying for a new job, playing music. Of course there are hundreds more, but some of those will sound kind of wonderful for you, and others will sound like you want to run a mile away from it. I want to run a mile away from the regular exercise. The irony. Recognise what you think you'll enjoy and try to build it into your life in a meaningful way. Of course, self-care isn't just doing things, it's also not doing things. So refraining from maybe smoking, not being so sedative. Sedative? Say sedative, physically, not being so sedative physically, you know what I mean. Avoiding too much alcohol, not encouraging habits that disrupt your sleep. It might also look like screening or watching out for medical conditions that you might be more prone to or that might run in the family, taking care of your body. It might be setting boundaries on your time and prioritizing the people or things in your life that deserve the best of you. Sometimes it's making big decisions that you don't want to face right now, but you know will help you or others further down the line. Self-care doesn't have to cost any money. It doesn't need to take hours out of your day, it doesn't need to stop you doing other things, but it's an important part of living a happy and a healthy lifestyle. Sometimes it can be really hard to start. But if you start small and simple and see what works for you, you can then build from that. Maybe you realize that a lovely, relaxing bath is what you enjoy. That's your happy place. Maybe this leads you to start to save up for a spa day. Maybe you go for a walk, and this develops into a love of running, and you start to train for a marathon. Maybe you do a bit of gardening in a small corner, and this leads you to love birds, and you end up travelling abroad to see them. Maybe it's listening to your favourite band, and this turns into you saving up to go and see them live. Start small and simple, see what you like, see what you don't, and see where it develops. The benefits of self-care can be improved mental health, increased physical health, enhanced productivity, better relationships, and greater self-awareness and confidence. It can hopefully become an ongoing practice that nurtures both your body and mind. So,

Using Self-Care During Grief

Claire 10:44

that's all great, but how can it help us in grief? Well, let's take an example of something we probably all like the idea of, but some of us hate the execution of. Exercise. According to the National Library of Medicine, recent research has shown that exercise can help people cope with grief by alleviating feelings of depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder. Exercise can create a sense of freedom and enable the bereaved to express their feelings while providing a distraction and moments of relief from grief. It says this: exercise is a very good and positive tool that people can use while grieving, mainly because it triggers that release of neurotransmitters and the release of endorphins. That was a counsellor called Sharon Stallard, who's trained in helping people cope with bereavement. She went on to say exercise helps regulate a person's mood and can prevent them from going into a lower phase which can trigger depression. I was on a talking therapies course recently, and the psychotherapist that was running that said that if they could bottle exercise as a medication, it would be a wonder drug. Grief is one of those things that is all consuming. For varying amounts of time, it differs from person to person, loss to loss, but at some point, if it's a big loss, it will consume almost all of your energy and time. So it's been said that things like maintaining a routine that includes everyday things can be very beneficial, like what you eat, exercise and socializing. These are areas that not only help you to process the grief and get your body moving, but they also ground any bigger feelings that you might be carrying around. It's also great at helping to clear the mind, even if just for a few minutes. Exercise moves your focus to what you're doing, whether it's running or a class or swimming or pilates or yoga. You can't focus 100% on your grief because your mind needs to concentrate on what your body is doing, and this can be very healthy for us. Even though my mind would be refocusing on, I hate doing this, I'm feeling sweaty, I don't like that feeling. But it can also help increase our motivation to keep going, which can start to stall when we're going through loss. It also allows you to feel in control of something, and sometimes, especially when someone dies, but also with other losses that affect our work and identity, etc., one of the things we can struggle with is a lack of control, even if it's just a short walk. Sleep issues are also very common when going through loss. In fact, I was chatting to someone this week about how sleep problems seem to be common across the board nowadays. I can count on one hand the amount of people I know that sleep well. But as we all know, interrupted sleep or lack of it can affect every area of our health, mental and physical. But exercise is another way that helps tire those out and it burns off excess energy, which can then help us sleep. Now that's just one example, but a key one, because it is known to help all areas of our body and mind. But every type of self-care will have its benefits, and depending on who you are, what you do and what you enjoy, you'll probably need a few different ones to help different areas of your life. If you have a busy job or family, then restful things to help you take care of yourself might be a good idea. If you have a sedative desk job, why do I keep putting that word in? If you have a sedative desk job, then activity might be what helps you most. But it also goes the other way. Active people might switch off by going for a run, and sedative people might relax with a bath. The important thing is to make sure you're taking care of all aspects of your body. However, it's obviously not good to have a sedative job, relax in a bath, and then self-care with chocolate. I'm sure I don't need to explain why, that's not really taking care of your physical body. Self-care should benefit all aspects of your body and mind, so you have to pick the balance. Mary Curie, a hospice charity in the UK, have lots of top tips on how to practice self-care while grieving. And in their list they mention spending time with others, listening to your body, lowering expectations for yourself, taking time to feel your grief, doing familiar things, pampering yourself, keeping a journal, and looking after your health. And while

Sitting With Grief And Finding Comfort

Claire 14:45

pondering this list, I realize that probably one of the best self-care things we can do in grief is to grieve. Every loss needs to be grieved. Sometimes, even if it's a big loss, we stop ourselves from fully feeling it. So I think the chair is representative of us taking time out to sit in our grief, to feel it, to process it, to allow it. And the blanket, well that's the comfort that we need while doing it. The reassuring presence that we will get through this, there will be better days, and there is still hope. So, what's your opinion of self-care now? I hope it's a positive one. Allow yourself to do the things you love that benefit you, and even some things that maybe challenge you and push you a little bit. Life is so short. Let's take time, every now and then, just to make sure we enjoy it. To listen to the full Let's Chat episode with Chris, just click on the link in the show notes or go to our website, thesilentwy.com, click on Let's Chat, and you'll see all of our Let's Chat episodes there. Thank you for joining me today. I hope you've got something useful from this episode, and I'll see you in the tool shed next time for our next tour to help us work through brief.