Loss 66/101: Loss of eyesight: Yahya Pandor

#149. What is it like to choose hope in the dark? To face the grief of losing your sight?

This is The Silent Why, a podcast on a mission to explore grief, asking if hope can be found in 101 different types of permanent loss.

Loss #66 of 101: Loss of eyesight

In this episode, we spoke to Yahya Pandor from Wiltshire, England, an advocate for the blind, para-athlete (runner), qualified counsellor, and World Record holder.

Yahya lost his eyesight in 2021 at the age of 25 years old, due to a combination of Macular Degeneration and Toxoplasmosis. In just 10 months, he went from enjoying life with vision, to finding his way in a dark world.

Yahya shared the unique challenges of being blind, what this kind of grief was like for him, what he misses most, and what sighted people probably take for granted the most.
 
For more about Yahya, visit:
https://www.instagram.com/yahyapandor94
https://www.insight-counselling.org
https://www.youtube.com/@the_blind_runner
https://www.tiktok.com/@isapandor 

Transcript

Welcome Back And Loss 66

Yahya 0:02

Hi, my name is Yahya Pandor. I lost my sight five years ago, and I'm going to talk about coming to terms with sight loss and how I've prospered since.

Claire 0:12

Welcome to the Silent Why Podcast, a podcast on a mission to find 101 different types of loss and to hear from those who've experienced them. I'm Claire.

Chris 0:21

And I'm Chris, and we're back, baby, with an interview that is.

Claire 0:24

Yes. We've not, like, not been podcasting, but we have not had a guest on the podcast for seven months. So this is the first interview episode that we have put out this year.

Chris 0:33

I'm not sure we should be drawing attention to that.

Claire 0:36

Maybe not.

Chris 0:37

We've even been to three different countries in that time Australia, Singapore, and Scotland.

Claire 0:43

Plus, I had a short break from podcasting before I came back with my latest series, which is The Grief Toolshed. And now we are back with our first interview, and we're very excited about it. Our last loss number was 65 in September, loss of a friend. And now we are here for loss 66.

Chris 0:58

With a great guest for you, Mr. Yahya Pandor, who lives just down the road from us in Swindon in Wiltshire, very kindly joined us to talk about a loss that we've had on our list since the very beginning.

Claire 1:08

Yes, the loss of sight.

Chris 1:10

Now this happened five years ago when Yakia was 25 years old, and it happened within only 10 months. Now try to imagine your entire visual world fading in that space of time. It's really not easy, Yahya shared with us.

Yahya 1:25

It was a lot of real sadness, I think. You know, at points it was real despair, which goes way beyond sadness. And it is all-encompassing because you are physically losing light and mentally losing light. So to find hope is then a very difficult thing.

Claire 1:44

His sudden sight loss was caused by a combination of macular degeneration and toxoplasmosis.

Chris 1:50

Which raises a question of everything you've ever seen, what would you miss the most if it suddenly disappeared?

Yahya 1:58

I was really lucky that several years ago I took a trip with my father to the Sahara Desert, and I remember looking up no light pollution of the stars, and it was one of the most unforgettable experiences, and now I can't see stars, and again, that then made me think I'm missing out on such beauty. Not being able to see those things is always then a constant reminder that that brings that grief ever-present, I suppose.

Claire 2:25

For some, it might take years to decide what to do with such a loss, but for Yahya, it was pretty quick.

Chris 2:30

In fact, his initial reaction to the diagnosis really surprised us.

Yahya 2:34

I've got a decision to make, and that is let this overwhelm you, and let this be the end of your world. Or I can laugh at the irony of the situation, you know, that I've just walked into a tree after being told I'm gonna lose my sight, and and laugh at the absurdity of the situation and make that choice that this would not be the end.

Claire 2:54

But choosing resilience didn't mean skipping grief, it just meant that it arrived differently and a bit later on.

Chris 3:00

In this episode, we chatted Yahya about life in the dark, about what sighted people most take for granted. And one part of sight loss that I definitely never considered before.

Yahya 3:09

One of the strangest things is that I still see in my dreams. And then dreams can be really confusing because drawing them I realize I can see, and then I suddenly wake up because of that, and then I can't see, so I have to make that decision basically every single morning when I wake up. Today's a new day. Yes, I still can't see, but I'm gonna continue going.

Claire 3:29

Despite all he's been through, Yahya always has room for the one thing that we are passionate about on this podcast: hope.

Chris 3:37

He says it's a massive thing, and he won't be here without it. In fact, it's compelled him into new adventures and new learning and smashing barriers by running marathons without being tethered to another runner.

Yahya 3:48

I am currently living my best life. If if he told me five years ago that I would be here, I would not have believed you. So I am really happy. You know, life is going really well, and right now there is nothing that I would change.

Claire 4:03

We think you're really going to appreciate all that Yahya has to share. It might even change how you think about the senses that you rely on every day.

Meet Yahya And His Work

Chris 4:10

So let's crack on. We start off by asking Yahya to introduce himself.

Yahya 4:15

So hi, I'm Yahyar Pandor. I am blind. I do have light perception, which means if there's a really bright light, then I can tell it's there. So I say if I'm staring at the sun, I know I'm staring at the sun, but that's not a good idea, so don't do that. Um I lost my sight about five years ago. Just to sort of bad luck, bad genetics, and a few conditions. A typical day in my life is like a lot of people's, I suppose. Um work. I travel around for work all over the southwest, normally to talk about my experiences as a blind person and how people can improve their services that they provide. I'm also a paraathlete training for the Paralympics, uh hoping to make Team GB. So when I'm not working, I am running and exercising to reach those heights. Amazing. Brilliant.

Chris 5:05

Yeah, you've covered a lot of ground there, which is wonderful.

Yahya 5:12

I was gonna say, and suppose I have to add, I am a qualified counsellor and run a counselling service uh that offers counselling for free for those that can't afford it.

Chris 5:21

Yeah, I mean, there's so much to to talk about. In terms of work, because you said then about one area of work in terms of helping people improve their services where disabilities uh might be concerned. I'm guessing that's a new thing in the last five years. Were you a counselor before you lost your site? Has there been bits of work that you did before losing your site and you still do now?

Sight Loss During Lockdown Isolation

Yahya 5:42

So I started my counselling training as I was losing my sight. So I so I did an introductory course, but by the time I started the actual degree, I'd lost my sight, and I didn't know that was going to happen when I started the course. It was just uh it happened drawing. Um so that was really interesting. The biggest one was all the learning materials were in book form, and so I didn't have access to any of the learning materials. Uh, but what was incredible, and this is something that I will never forget, all the students in the class banded together, and for the main few textbooks, voice recorded chapters individually so that I had something to listen to, um, and so that I could access the material. And that was just done from the kindness of their hearts, really. Um, so that yeah, that was incredible.

Chris 6:30

Yeah, lovely. Okay, so give us an idea of of how old you were when you had the diagnosis, your, I guess, your reaction and the months or years that followed that, uh, just recognizing it and coming to terms with it.

Yahya 6:44

So I'm 30 now. I lost it in 2021. So I lost my sight during the first lockdown, if you can remember that period, because it was a very surreal experience for everyone, I think. The world had changed quite dramatically, and then I had this on top to deal with. So my my life was changing even more dramatically. And it was it was one of those really strange processes where we were all in isolation. I'm guessing most people knew what happened during lockdown, but for those that don't, we weren't allowed to leave our houses unless it was uh an emergency. So all the medical appointments that I was going to, I was going to on my own. I wasn't taking anyone with me. So in that way, it was a very lonely experience. And then because I was living with family at the time, when you got home, there was no privacy to process. Like, you know, the the moment you walked through the door, everyone wanted to know where you'd been. So you you know, you so you were telling them, and they knew anyway, and so they wanted to know what had happened during the appointments instantly. So, you know, the only time to process was that short time between the hospital and home, which was like, you know, a 15-minute walk. Yeah, it was just it was it was a really strange time. So there was both the isolation but also the lack of privacy, which seemed very, you know, juxtaposed, I suppose.

Claire 8:06

How long was the the build-up between like when you first knew you might have a problem with your sight to kind of then finding out what was wrong?

Yahya 8:13

So from the optometrist appointment to where they realised something was wrong, to then the referral to the ophthalmology and then to losing my sight pretty much completely was about an eight to ten month process.

Claire 8:25

Gosh, they're quite fast.

Yahya 8:27

Yeah, yeah, very fast. Obviously, not as fast as just waking up one day, but uh fast enough for it uh to be very noticeable, you know, very quickly.

Claire 8:35

My mum was an ophthalmic sister, so I'm gonna have to ask this on behalf of her. What were you diagnosed with? What was it that took your sight?

Yahya 8:42

So I've got sort of two concurrent conditions. The main one is uh macular degeneration, which tends to affect older people, but I also have something called toxoplasmosis, which most people think of cats when they when they think of it because it's it's a condition that cats have, but mothers can pick it up and pass it to their children during pregnancy, and then something can trigger it. So yeah, it's a combination of the two.

Chris 9:06

And that eight to ten months, at the start of that time, were you told this could be a year, or was that even then a shock that it was eight to ten months rather than five years?

The Diagnosis And A Hard Choice

Yahya 9:15

Yeah, so I had hoped or I had assumed that it would be, you know, a lot more gradual. A lot of things with ICI are sort of age-related, so you think, you know, I've got until I'm 60 or 70, it's not a problem that I need to worry about now. But no, when I was told it's going to be pretty quick, it was okay, I need to deal with this as soon as possible, really. Um, it doesn't give you much time.

Claire 9:38

What were you feeling when when you found out? When you found out this might actually take your site completely, what are the emotions?

Yahya 9:44

So the first thing is sort of numbness, I think, where you're just sort of processing, come to terms with, you don't know what to think, you know, it's it's all these thoughts going around your head. I'm very much a thoughts person rather than a feelings person. So in my head, it was just sort of, what are all the practical things that I need to do? How am I gonna tell people how are the next few months going to look like? And it was trying to find solutions instead of processing the emotions, really. And then um it was it was a really strange process. But what happened immediately after the appointment, I was like I said, I was walking home and I walked into a tree as if to highlight, oh look, you're gonna lose your sights, you know, you're already not being able to see things. Um, but it was a it was a really strange moment, and it is a moment that I talk about a lot and will, you know, hopefully remember for the rest of my life. But in that moment, I thought, I've got a decision to make, uh, and that is let this overwhelm you and let this be the end of your world. Or I can laugh at the irony of the situation, you know, that I've just walked into a tree after being told I'm gonna lose my sight because I hadn't seen it, and and laugh at the absurdity of the situation and make that choice that this would not be the end. And and that was sort of the catalyst, the pivotal moment where I made a conscious decision. Like I remember as clear as day that this is gonna be tough, but it's not gonna be the end of me, and it was an actual choice that I made.

Chris 11:18

I mean, it's remarkably quick to make such a big decision, make a big choice like that. Is that because you have some sort of superpower of speedy decision making? I mean, did you surprise yourself how quickly you made that decision rather than it taking several months?

Yahya 11:32

I think making the decision didn't take anything away because I feel like I make that decision every single day when I wake up, like you know, because one of the strangest things is that I still see in my dreams. And and dreams can be really confusing because drawing them I realise I can see, and then that's really confusing, and then I suddenly wake up because of that, and then I can't see. So I have to make that decision basically every single morning when I wake up from having been able to see my dreams, waking up realizing that I can't see, realising what I've what I'm missing, and then I have to make that choice that today's a new day, yes, I still can't see, yes, I'm not gonna be able to see ever again, but I'm gonna continue going. So it it's a reality that I face and a decision that I make every single time I wake up in the morning.

Claire 12:23

Gosh, so with that in mind and making that decision so quickly and having that mindset, did it feel like a grief to you? Was it a loss like a grief at the time? Did you did you grieve it, or were you just straight into the next step?

Yahya 12:35

I I think I was straight into the next step, which you know speaks to very much of the person that I am. I am a a a very practical person. But but the grief came later on. So so I didn't feel the grief immediately. It was just what are the solutions? What am I gonna do next? I suppose smaller things that brought on the grief. So uh I recall uh a the simple incident where you know we got you know, again, people might know or not know after lockdown. There was that whole bit of where you could go out to eat uh and and they were promoting people to go to restaurants and things like that. So so of course we did. Uh and it was oh, I can't quite read the menu. And and that was like, oh, because I I love reading. It was something, you know, as a kid, you'd find me in the library instead of playing outside, or you know, I I was always in books. So that that was one of those moments where I thought, oh, I can't even read now. And and so that was a whole loss because I suppose the adventures that you have when you're reading, if you're a reader and you get absorbed in the books, and you know, that was suddenly gone. And yes, there were audiobooks, but to to me that wasn't quite the same, though now I have I do now love audiobooks. But it was it was things like that. So suddenly I can see menus, or another thing. I was really lucky that several years ago I took a trip with my father to the Sahara Desert, and I remember looking up no light pollution up the stars, and it was one of the most unforgettable experiences, and now I can't see stars, and again that then made me think I'm missing out on such beauty. Like I used to love travelling, and now not so much that I'm getting better, and it's because I experienced that loss all over again because I can't see beauty, and I think because I lost my sight and I knew what it looked like, or I I had a reference point for what I see as natural beauty, not being able to see those things is always then a constant reminder that that brings that grief ever-present, I suppose.

Claire 14:40

Was it lots of little griefs then? Was it rather than one big I've lost my sight? Was it just a lot of little things?

Yahya 14:46

Yeah, because I did have those months to to experience the gradualness, even though it seems really quick. Um, yeah, it was, you know, from from small things of not being able to read things to not being able to see the night sky, then it's not being able to see people's faces. So if you think of like mum, dad, brothers, sisters, friends, uh those are faces I'm never ever going to see. Family members have had births, you know, there are babies that I'll never see, or like my granddad died recently a couple of months ago, and it was like I never got to see his face. There's a custom, and I don't know if it happens everywhere, but like in in uh Muslim households, the deceased is brought into the house and everyone sort of pays their respects uh and sits around the body praying. And I was like, Yes, I could sort of be present in that moment of the praying, but everyone was looking at him, at his face, and I didn't get to experience that. So again, it hits you in in in those moments. I don't think the grief will ever go away. I don't think I'll not like I I have come to terms with it, but I d I will always be reminded of what I'm missing because the world is such a visual place. You know, it's it's it's designed for for people with sight, and it was something that I was lucky enough to have experienced. But but I suppose being able to experience something and probably taking it for granted um when you lose it makes it makes loss that more acute, that more painful, I suppose.

Claire 16:18

Yeah, it's a real tension, isn't it? I know that feeling of like with childhood, it keeps changing, you know, you you you mourn at not having your own children, but then you realise that you won't have grandchildren, and there's all these other things, and and I think like you said, that will be with you for life. You're never gonna just get over that kind of grief and you hold it in tension with trying to do everything else. But one of the things I did really want to ask you, and you've kind of touched on it there, really, was what are the differences, do you think, or or is it is one better or not, to have not been born with sight, and so to not ever have seen these things in the first place, or to have experienced them but then lost them?

Yahya 16:53

That is a tough question, isn't it? Um I can only answer from the experience of having been able to see. Um and I am very glad uh and and very thankful that I did have sight and got to experience all of those things. And so I think I can't say I'm in a better position, but but I'm glad to have experienced all of those things. And I think life may have been more challenging if I'd never had sight in the first place. So so yeah, I am fortunate and glad that I did have sight uh, you know, for most of my life at the moment.

Chris 17:28

I can imagine that having had and then lost, when you talk about things like the grief or the reminder will always be there, there's potential for more resentment as opposed to just like a more of an innocent, oh, I've never seen the stars above the Sahara Desert. Explain that you're like, oh, I once saw this and now I can't. So maybe there's you have to work a bit harder at it not allowing that resentment or bitterness to creep in that I once had, but now I don't have.

Yahya 17:55

Yeah, I don't think I felt resentment or bitterness. It's it's it's longing, I suppose. Because you know, the you use the word mourn and it's you build up this life in your head, you know, when you're growing up, uh you know, every single time. I suppose we do it all the time. You know, we we create where we want to go, or or we have ideas of the future or plans that we've even made, and then something suddenly happens, in my case, sight loss, and that entire future that I had envisaged is gone. Uh and you know, I've I've got to change my plans, I've got to change the way I do things. So it's it's mourning and grieving the life that you might have lived or thought you might have lived, and and having to deconstruct and then reconstruct from scratch, really.

Grief Symptoms And Rebuilding Life

Chris 18:44

On grief to use that word grieving, when you said you felt it, what was that experience like for you in terms of how did you react? What did you find the emotions were? Was was it tearful? Was it angry? Was it sort of quiet and uh was it mental health? What what were the the biggest symptoms for you, I guess, of of grieving?

Yahya 19:05

So I think it was quietness. I think anyone that knows me very well will say I'm a quiet person in general. I'm and I'm very, you know, keep my feelings and emotions to myself. Um so it was very much an internal process. There are the the anger, you know, you know, you it it seems silly to think it, but it is, you know, why me? Why did this happen to me? So you ask those questions, uh, but then it's sort of like who do you direct your anger at? So then there was feelings of depression. There was depression. It's funny because it it there is a real darkness, and and that's both physical and mental. In in this case, uh it was a lot of just real sadness, I think. Uh which seems like a really bland word. I wish I could I could I could describe it in in in more detail, but it is just such a you know, at points it was real despair, which goes way beyond sadness, and it it is all-encompassing because you are physically losing light and mentally losing light. So to find hope is then a very difficult thing, which is why I think it helped me to make it into a binary decision. You know, you either get on with it and live life or you don't. And and to me, the the not living was a lot more bleak. And so so why not treat life more of an adventure? You know, just because I've lost my sight doesn't mean that life isn't going anywhere. You know, that that there is so much more, so it's it's choosing that step into embracing the moorness, the the fullness of life despite the setback.

Claire 20:47

You've actually just touched on one of the questions that we ask all our guests, which is Did you ever ask why and what your relationship with the why question has been? Because some people ask it, some people don't, some people struggle with it, some people can't get over it, some people get over it very quickly. So, yeah, just tell us a little bit more about that kind of asking why me type questions.

Yahya 21:05

Yeah, so like there's no real history of sight loss in in my family, though, though later on some other family members have have struggled with uh sight loss, not to the same extent, but still bad enough. But you do question those things, you know, and one of four siblings. Why did I have to be the one with the with the faulty genes or or the issue? Um, yeah, it it's one of those things that you grapple with. But um one of my favourite photos or or pictures, I don't know if you've ever come across it. I want to say it's called the dot, which is uh a picture I think taken by the Hubble telescope, and it's it's a a really big picture um of uh basically um a photograph of a section of the universe, and in it, in one tiny bit is a little dot that's a bit brighter than the other. And that's Earth. And then you think, wow, how tiny is Earth in just this portion of space? So it's not even the entire space, just this one portion of space. And then I'm even tinier than that dot. And then you've got to think of that dot in the entirety of history. And to many, that's very existential and then you know it can be very demoralizing. But it made me think, yeah, I am just a spec, so why not make the most of that spec that I am? And then it's just a reminder of how small me losing my sight is in in the grand scheme of things. And I think that's that's not how I got over it, but how I I reasoned it. It's and and the other thing is putting it into perspective, I think. Uh, and and that is every single person that I've met has had to overcome something, whether that be big or small. And and so this is my obstacle or my barrier that I have to overcome in this journey of life. Everyone has that. It doesn't make me that more special, unique, or different. Everyone else is struggling and getting through things. So so this is this is my thing.

Culture Disability And Family Reactions

Chris 23:10

Yeah, your thing with your family, your siblings. Um we are spoken to lots of people on the podcast from white British or American or elsewhere in the world backgrounds. It's really good to get any sort of insight into cultural differences. Uh you mentioned within Muslim community and when uh uh somebody dies and what happens with the funeral. So, yeah, you're from a South Asian background. Tell us tell us a bit about how that might have differed to us going through the same thing.

Yahya 23:40

Yeah, so so and uh you know, I could say this is more of a cultural thing than a religious thing. Um, but but there's a a difficulty with disability in general, I think. Not that you're seeing less of a person, but in in some ways you are. And I I remember when I told my mum this was happening, she was like, Oh, don't tell your granddad, he he won't be able to take it in the right way. And so even before it even started happening, I I was already, you know, in in a bad place, and here I was told that I was gonna have to try and hide it from people. And I remember when my granddad saw me with the using the cane, so I use a cane to to help with navigation and orientation, and him having sort of a not a meltdown, but but a a very strong reaction to it, and then me almost having to take care of his feelings rather than having to, you know, like a bad thing was happening to me, yet I was there trying to help other people's feelings over it. And and you know, I don't know where it came from, but but part of it I think is him knowing that life was going to be a bit more difficult for me, and maybe it was coming from that. But yeah, disability is uh not talked about a lot within the South Asian community, and I think yeah, you're you're seen as having slightly less value at times as a result, or or that you all that you need to be taken care of rather than having independence, whereas I strive for independence.

Chris 25:18

And and is that something that you think is or has changed, or uh do you feel like you've been able within your own sort of family group, friendship group, uh extended family, you've been able to change?

Yahya 25:31

Yeah, I I think definitely so, given that I do so many things on my own. I've I've shown that I'm no lesser of a person for having lost my sight, that I'm more than capable of being independent, that I can still not only live but thrive uh and and create a decent life for myself. So I think I'm out there flagbearing. But then like it's difficult, isn't it? Because sometimes you're always advocating. And I'm fortunate that I have the energy and resources to always advocate for myself, but there are people that don't. So so yes, in in my social group and in my family and my community, yes, people can see that, but that's a very small part of the world.

Independence Safety And Everyday Access

Claire 26:16

What are some of the things that you think sighted people take for granted the most?

Yahya 26:21

Uh getting out and about, you know, not being able to drive is a real inconvenience. The amount of times trains are delayed or buses don't come, you know, relying on public transport, it's frustrating. So I think that sort of spontaneous independence. Like, you know, normally I have to plan things in advance, so I know the exact routes to get to somewhere. I I have all these contingencies in place in case things go wrong. And and even like just stepping outside of your house can be a difficulty from a vulnerability point of view. Claire, I'm sure you have this as a woman. Uh, you know, the the the the anxieties that come with that, the stories that I've heard. But I I use a cane, which is a very obvious sign of a disability. You know, I see it as my sign of independence, but to anyone outside looking in, it immediately shows this person could be vulnerable. Um so there's that sort of general mild anxiety when you're stepping out of the house or going through a busy area. Could someone take advantage of me? So that's a difficulty that that you have to live with uh every single day.

Claire 27:31

Yeah, and I guess you're you're quite limited with so getting out and about, I guess it's the cane or I don't know how easy guide dogs are to come by if anyone wants one, or uh are there are there other options for the people or is that it?

Yahya 27:41

Uh canes or guide dogs are sort of the the the the two biggest ones, unless uh you know I've I've always said if I ever won the lottery and I don't even play the lottery, so this is never gonna happen. But I would have like a uh a guide human, just someone that would be there, like you know, you know, like one of those bounces, like you know, six foot something massively, and they would just boom across, moving people out of the way, making me feel secure. Um, and they would just travel with me everywhere. That and my bed, uh, if I ever went lottery, wherever I'd go, I'd take my bed with me.

Chris 28:13

Um but but yeah. For someone who you you describe yourself as a power athlete at the start and with the stuff you're doing, that that sounds completely the opposite of the reality that you can be further away from your bed with some of the endurance stuff that you're doing.

Yahya 28:28

You always need a good night's sleep. Recovery is the most important thing in sport, and I take my sleeping very seriously.

Chris 28:36

The running that you do, you do have some support, don't you? It's almost like what the dream of the everyday you get to experience a little bit in the uh competitive side of things and the records that you've set, which has been incredible.

Yahya 28:51

Yeah, so so so so yeah, I I am very lucky in in the fact that if I want to run, uh I have to have someone with me, uh, which means I you know get to speak to someone. I've made long life friendships with some of my guide runners, and it means whenever I'm out doing something, I have someone with me, which is which is lovely. So one of the records that you you mentioned I I created was running a marathon untethered, which meant I wasn't connected to my guide runner, and there is that sense of just complete freedom where I don't need to worry about my environment, I can just move. And it's it's such a blessing to be able to move, let alone you know, run, because yeah, how many people can't even do that for whatever reason? So, so yeah, to have that is just is something that I that I treasure every moment of and why I love running so much, I think.

Claire 29:44

Amazing. And so how how does that work for that flat world record? Is it is is it like verbally? Are they telling you if there's like a bit of a bend coming?

Yahya 29:51

Yeah, so you know, the difficult job was my guide, he had to talk uh the entire time. And and yeah, so it's it's a combination of telling you when to sort of turn left or right, whether to speed up or slow down if there are people in front of you, just sort of describing the the general environment around you, you know, if anything interesting is happening or what some of the signs that people are holding up are saying, and then just having normal conversations.

Claire 30:16

That's brilliant, I love it. What gave you the idea to do it untethered?

Yahya 30:20

Uh so someone actually did it during the half marathon um at the Great North Run, and I thought, you know what, I can do better, I'll do the full marathon. There's a competitive side in me. Um, and and so so yes, it wasn't quite groundbreaking the fact that someone had done it for a shorter distance. Um, so I just thought, you know, I would I would double it.

Claire 30:39

I'll say double it, that's a big achievement.

Yahya 30:40

Yeah, yeah, of course. Yeah, uh anyone that runs a marathon will tell you it's what do they call it? Type 2 fun. It's not fun in the moment, it's fun when you reflect back. Right. I've not heard that before.

Chris 30:51

I think I do a lot of things that are type 2 fun.

Claire 30:54

Yeah, I like that.

Chris 30:55

I'll use that again, certainly. And um, I mean you can't just go out and do a marathon, it takes hours and hours and hours of training. Do you get to have a guide every time you train as well?

Yahya 31:04

No, so I have a treadmill in the spare room, so so I do a lot of my running in that. It it just really depends. Sometimes I'm lucky and I can get a guide runner sort of two, three times a week. Sometimes it'll be you know several weeks before I can get a run outside. So it just really depends.

Chris 31:21

Brilliant. I love it. And and how did it feel to get you know uh the the type two fun when you became a world record holder? How did that sort of validate the decisions that you'd made?

Yahya 31:32

Well, the main reason I did it was proof to myself that losing my sight wasn't going to hold me back, and this was one way of demonstrating that. So so yes, it was creating a world record, but initially it was done just just for myself and to prove to myself that I could do difficult things. But then the second thing was I wanted to show people that you can overcome setbacks uh and obstacles, and and that for me losing my sight wasn't an issue. I was still more than capable.

Chris 32:06

Uh absolutely. And so let's you know, let's talk a bit about hope and what that word means to you, what it's what it's felt like, whether it's been something you've had to sort of chase after, or does it come easily? Yeah, what part has hope played in in this sort of this last three or four years?

Yahya 32:21

Yeah, so so hope is a massive thing, isn't it? It's it's the guiding light. Without it, I would not be here. And and for me, hope is very much an internal process, whereas I think most of my processes are internal. So I'm not looking towards other things to give me hope, it's it's fostering that and kindling that within myself. I think the main reason for that is if I were to pin my hope on an external source, that external source could go away for whatever reason. Whereas if I can build that in myself, then if if I can build it once, I know I can build it again. Um, and one of the things that I hold on to whenever I am going through a rough patch is I've overcome it in the past and I felt better. So even if I'm right now in this pit of despair or this really bad place, because I know I felt hope before and I've overcome before, I can grasp onto that to know that it will be better again. And and that's why I think it for me it's really important that that hope is internalized and is a part of me, even if that flame of hope can be very, very small sometimes.

Claire 33:39

How do you feel it's changed your your view of the future? How does the future feel now to you?

Yahya 33:43

Uh well, I said this recently to someone, I am currently living my best life. If if you told me five years ago that I would be here, I would not have believed you. So I am really happy. You know, life is going really well, and right now there is nothing that I would change. And when I was told I was gonna lose my son, when I started losing my son, I thought that was it. But it it really isn't. Life has gotten better, and I hope we'll continue to improve. So so yeah, I I I am in a really good place right now, um, and long may that continue. And I I think they somehow go hand in hand. Uh, I'm not sure quite how, but I I think there is something massive to be said about gratitude and and and having gratitude for all the things that I can do rather than all the things that I can't, um, and all the things that I have. Um, and and you know, again, I am extremely lucky that I have an amazing support network. Um, I I think had I not had that, I would have been in a much different place. I I think the biggest factor in me coping and my success is that support network. Can't take all the credit myself. I have amazing family around me. Uh my siblings are very supportive, my wife incredibly supportive, you know, even in the running, all my guide one is that give up their time to allow me to enjoy that freedom. Great employers, just great, like I am surrounded, and I am lucky to be surrounded by incredible people. Um and without that, yeah, I think life would be very different.

Claire 35:20

That's really lovely to hear. There's one question I need to ask because I'm just curious. Does it heighten other senses if you lose one of them?

Yahya 35:27

No, it doesn't. But you focus, you focus more on your other senses. I think that's where people get their the the heightened from. So it's it's quite funny. I'd always be like, when we're walking through someone like, can you smell that? And it's it's like my brother's always like, Well, get it, you can smell really well, but it's just because that's what I'm focusing on, right? Or like even with shoes on, not that I walk around barefooted outside, but like you can feel the changes in texture from like the from your feet and things like that, which is something that I would have never paid attention to. So yeah, I think you just focus more on your outside environment. But then the down thing about that is now I can never just go on a walk with earphones in uh and like you know, listen to music or an audiobook or a podcast because I have to be very much aware of the environment around me.

Advice Hope Hermann And How To Support

Claire 36:14

Yeah. Yeah, you don't think about things like that. That's really it's important for us to know these things, because like you said, then we can be grateful that we can do things that Yes, of course. Yeah, it's good to hear. Um if someone else is going through this now, if they're in the early stages of finding out that they're going to lose their sight or they just have, what what sort of thing would you want them to know?

Yahya 36:33

I think reach out for support because there is plenty of support out there. It's not something that you have to do on your own. And even if you are in a position where you don't have that immediate support around you, there are many organisations, charities, support groups out there. So I think, like many things, don't think it's a battle you have to fight on your own. It's something that there is help out there for. Um, and that give it time, mourn the loss, grieve the loss, come to terms with it. But I won't promise, but uh I promise you it will get better, and you will look at this 10 years, even five years down the line, and you'll think, look at what I've achieved despite going through this.

Chris 37:16

Okay. Well, we've reached the final question. It's been a long while since I've managed to ask this question, so it's lovely to be back. Uh, it's a simple question, but I think for you it's going to be quite hard because there are probably many answers that you could give this one question. So, one thing that you have nurtured, you've grown, that's healthy, that's worth sharing with somebody else. So that final question is Yahya, what's your Herman?

Yahya 37:40

My Herman is there is always a better tomorrow, even if it doesn't seem like it right now, because you don't know what's around the corner. You really don't. Like, I didn't know I was going to lose my sight, and then I thought that was it. But yet here I am, as I said to you earlier, living uh the absolute happiest that I have been ever, and that's even with a sighted life. So so yeah, that just hold on to that there is a better tomorrow, and actively choose that hope. Make it a decision, make it a choice. I think that makes it easier because it then it gives you some semblance of control. I am choosing to be happy, I am choosing to live, I am choosing to continue, I'm choosing not to let these obstacles overcome me. So it's it's it's making that choice.

Chris 38:31

I knew you couldn't just pick one.

Yahya 38:33

Sorry. They're all linked, they're all linked.

Claire 38:36

They are, he linked them beautifully. Humbling words from someone who has lost something so valuable. Since we did this interview, I found myself stopping in my day to appreciate my sight a lot more and all that it brings me. In fact, on one of the walks I did recently, I tried to tune out of my sight a bit and focus on what it felt like under my feet and what I could hear to try and experience the world as Yahya does. And that's what conversations like this seem to do. They leave you with a quiet kind of gratitude, and a deep respect for people who face profound loss but still find a way to not just carry on, but live well. And if he's found his way there, without being able to see, it does make you wonder what might be possible for the rest of us.

Chris 39:27

And as Stevie Wonder said, just because a man lacks the use of his eyes doesn't mean he lacks vision. Does that apply to women? It does. To find out more about Yahya, you can visit the links in the show notes for his Instagram, TikTok, and his counselling website and YouTube page. And for more about us, visit www.thesilentwhy.com or find us @ thesilentwhy pod on social media.

Claire 39:51

This podcast is entirely a labour of love, and I want to thank those that support it monthly to allow it to keep going. Every penny you give us goes towards the production of this podcast. It gets no other support or financial income. So thank you to those that are helping me make this happen. And everything I do with the podcast is done by me. I don't outsource anything, so I am super grateful. If you'd like to contribute as a one-off or monthly, you can do that at www.buymeacoffee.com/thesilentwh y, where you can buy me a fancy tea or two, I do love Earl Grey, or you can support the running costs of the podcast and the Herman Company, mustn't forget about those guys, by supporting us monthly from as little as £3 a month. If you're new to us, Hermans are not only the subject of the last question we ask our guests, but also grief companions that you can buy to give to someone going through a hard time. They're handmade, crocheted by me, and available to buy at www. thehermancompany.com. Even in this last week, I just gifted one to someone who's about to go through 24 months of gruelling cancer treatment. You can't take a person with you when you're having chemo, but you can take Herman. Who do you know that might need a Herman? Buying one of those to send or to gift is another way of supporting the podcast and my work. So thank you to everybody who has given in any way to help us keep going.

Chris 41:05

We're finishing this episode with a quote from American author. Where do you get these names from?

Claire 41:10

They're quote web pages, I don't know.

Chris 41:12

American author Orison Sweat Mardin, which seems to sum up Yahya's Herman perfectly.

Claire 41:20

"There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonic so powerful as expectation of something better tomorrow."