The Grief Toolshed: Swiss Army Knife - using the tools of self-awareness

#147.  How can a metaphorical Swiss Army Knife help us with self-awareness? Let's find out.

This is The Silent Why, a podcast on a mission to open up conversations around grief, asking if hope can be found in 101 different types of permanent loss.

Welcome to my brand-new series of episodes - The Grief Toolshed.

In this series, I’m visiting the garden tools shared by our Let’s Chat guests (from my metaphorical toolshed) and turning them into practical, supportive tools we can use when we face grief. One per episode. Together, we’ll unpack them and explore how to actually use them when grief shows up.

And in this episode, I’m looking at how a Swiss Army Knife (given to us by Katie Elliott, in her Let’s Chat episode about Self-Awareness), can help us prepare for, and get through, grief.

Think of it as building your own toolkit - ready for whenever you need it most.

Listen to Katie's full episode, Let’s Chat… Self-Awareness, here:
https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/7b7d32af/lets-chat-self-awareness-with-katie-elliott

Amiko cards and poster:
https://www.littlechallenges.com/store 

If all this is new to you, and you have no idea what’s going on, listen to the episode I put out introducing this new series, ‘Introducing… The Grief Toolshed’:
https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/7dad62e8/introducing-the-grief-toolshed

Transcript

Welcome To The Grief Tool Shed

Claire 0:00

Hello, I'm Claire, and this is The Silent Why podcast, exploring all kinds of grief and loss. And welcome to my metaphorical tool shed, where I'm exploring the tools that my Let's Chat guests have shared with us over the last few years to help us navigate grief. If you're not sure what any of that means, then check out my Introduction to the Grief Tool Shed episode for a full explanation of this new series. So, what was the third tool that I was given to add to my shed? Let's go and find out. Come with me into the tools.

Why The Swiss Army Knife Matters

Katie Elliott 0:52

It's vitally important in so many different ways. I'm gonna have to go for a Swiss Army knife because you can use it lots of different ways to do lots of different things. So I'm I'm gonna sneak in there and try and try and get your first Swiss Army knife if that's alright.

Versatility And A Wild Tool List

Self-Awareness As The Core Tool

The Inner Critic And Self-Compassion Gap

Build Tools Before The Hardest Days

Real-World Tools For Coping

Amiko Cards And What Next

Claire 1:06

A Swiss Army knife. Yes, in this Let's Chat episode, I spoke to Katie Elliott about self-awareness. We explored self-awareness and the vital role that it plays in coping with what life throws at you, especially in grief. And at the end of the episode, I asked her what tool she'd like to add to my metaphorical tool shed that could help others going through loss, and she wanted to add a Swiss Army knife. And we're still on a great run of tools because I've got my spade, I've got my bag of compost, which I'll use the spade for, but now I have a Swiss Army knife to open the bag of compost. I'm not sure if you've ever tried to open a bag of compost with a spade. I have, it is not easy. That stupid bag just stretches and stretches instead of ripping. So, according to my research, a Swiss Army knife has anything between 40 to 80 tools on it, though the average is about 7 to 15. Here's some examples of common main layer tools that you might get on a Swiss Army knife. A large blade, a small blade, a nail file, scissors, wood saw, metal file, metal saw, magnifying glass, flips screwdriver, fish scaler, hook disgorger, pliers, wire cutter, can opener, screwdriver, bottle opener, LED light, USB flash drive, hoof cleaner, shackle opener, electrician's blade, pruning blade, cuticle pusher, bit driver, wire stripper, corkscrew, chisel, mini screwdriver, apparently screws within the corkscrew, keyring, scale tools, tweezers, toothpick, pressurised ballpoint pen, stainless steel pin, digital clock, thermometer, barometer, just to name a few. So yeah, shouldn't be too difficult to go through all of those and apply them to grief. Just kidding. Let's start with something else. What is the point of a Swiss army knife? And don't say the tip of the blade. And why is it Swiss? Well, a Swiss Army knife is designed for maximum versatility in a compact, portable package combining essential tools like blades, screwdrivers, scissors and bottle openers into one device. You can tell I didn't write that sentence. Basically, it's a million things in one. Why is it Swiss? Because it was officially commissioned, designed, and produced in Switzerland for the Swiss armed forces in 1891 to meet the functional needs of soldiers. On average, you can pay anything for a Swiss army knife really, but my brief research on the subject told me that the most expensive and luxurious Swiss army knife is considered to be the Victorinox, always have to pause to pronounce that word, Victorinox Swiss Champ XAVT, which is renowned for its 80 plus functions and in some variations has this luxurious mother of pearl or exotic scales on it. The most expensive Victorinox Swiss Army knives are typically quite rare, or discontinued models, or special editions which featured precious metals like Damascus steel, silver or gold. And the price of such an item? Well, the most expensive Swiss Army knife ever sold is a bespoke Platinum Platinum? Platinum 950 Victorinox model. It's a good one I don't work in this industry, priced at approximately $70,000, which is around £53,000. It also has 430 diamonds and is presented in a premium case. Ooh. Yes, it's a very fancy, complete, pocket-sized toolbox. I have to say, once I started looking at websites of these things, I started to question why Chris didn't have one. They come with all kinds of handy tools. I think maybe every car should have one now. It feels like something you need in an emergency. Whether it's just to open a beer, file a broken nail, or stab an attacker. Whatever it is, you've got it all there, really. And once I went down this rabbit hole of research, I wanted to know what the most unusual tool was that you could have on a - SAK. I thought that might be easier to say than Swiss Army Knife, but I think maybe that's just a bit weird. Anyway, the answer to the most unusual tool was the pharmaceutical another hard word to say. What is wrong with this industry? The pharmaceutical spatula. Yes, your mind is going in all sorts of directions now, isn't it? Well, to put you out of your weird misery, the pharmaceutical spatula is a tiny paddle shaped tool designed for mixing powders or creams, or sometimes used for counting pills. So there you go. You can also have a cigar cutter, a hoof cleaner, a pressurized ballpoint pen, a watchmaker blade, or a butane lighter. Now, I have to admit, when I first sat down to think about this tool, I was a little stumped. There were so many different tools that you could put on a Swiss Army knife, where do you start? Do I need to apply them all to grief? Could a Swiss Army knife do everything? What do we have in grief that could do everything? That's also portable? And what on earth is the pharmaceutical spatula of grief? Then I realized something very obvious. Katie, the Let's Chat guest that gave me this tool in the first place, had also given me the answer. Self-awareness. The whole episode was on it, and her tool fit so beautifully with the subject that I didn't really need to do much more than expand it. So what is self-awareness? Well, understood.org says self-awareness is the ability to tune into your feelings, thoughts and actions, and having the ability to recognise how other people see you. People who are self-aware recognise their strengths and their challenges. I think we'd all like a little bit more of that, in the day-to-day of life, at work, in our relationships, and of course in grief. And there'll be some aspects of this that you might find easier than others. For example, when I read that definition, I thought, yeah, I'm getting better at trying to tune into my thoughts and feelings and to be more in the moment. But I still really have no clue how to understand how other people see me, and the thought of asking them to learn is terrifying. Now I've also done some Myers-Briggs insights in Enneagram stuff over the years, so I am aware of why I don't know how other people see me and why it's scary for me to find out, and that's another way of being self-aware. Knowing how you tick, why you react like you do, what makes you cry, what makes you angry, what you struggle with and what you love. Personality tools can be great to help us learn about ourselves. And no, this isn't navel gazing, it's working out who you are in the world and learning to be the best version of you that you can be. Also, the most relaxed, too, because in my experience it's quite stressful if you have no self-awareness, not just for you, but also for those around you. I do feel like I need to say that it's probably very unlikely we'll ever have a full and complete understanding of ourselves. But there is a lot we can do to get a good understanding of who we are if we want to. Obviously, some of us will be born with more self-awareness than others, some will go through experiences that maybe force them to know more about themselves, so it's important to realise we're all different, and our lives, our experiences, our upbringing, our intelligence, our capacity to learn, our relationships will all affect how aware we are of ourself. And I feel like I say it on every episode, say it with me, it's a choice. Yes, it takes work, but you have to want to learn more. So, if we have a Swiss Army knife, SAK would be so much quicker to say, for dealing with grief, and we're all adding different tools to it that we know we need to use, it's safe to say that all of our Swiss Army knives will be different. Every one's Swiss Army knife of self-awareness, SAKOSA, if you will. No? Will be needed to be built specifically to contain the tools that that person needs. It's very unlikely that you're gonna have a SAK, yes I might embrace it, that you've put together with only tools for other people, because you're unlikely to ever use or need that. Oh, I'll just put a butane lighter on here in case a passing cowboy needs to start a fire. No, you'll have put a cigar cutter on there because you smoke cigars, or a hoof cleaner on there because you have a hoofed animal pet, or you just like to help clean hooves for some reason. It's the same with SAKOSA, remember, Swiss Army Knife Of Self- Awareness. You will acquire and build tools as you go through life that help you with things you've become more self-aware of. And you will have tools on your knife that other people will never need. And they will have tools on their knife that you'll never need. And human nature tells us that you'll also have tools on there that you need but never use, and tools that you use but don't really need. For example, if you're supposed to be cleaning hoobs, but instead you've got yourself a pharmaceutical spatula and you're just eating ice cream all day, something's gone wrong. So what does this look like in real life? Well, first I'm gonna quote a chunk of what Katie said in her full episode about how self-awareness can help us. And I've taken this information from different parts of the episode, so if you want to hear it in full, the link is in the show notes. Katie said this. I started to see that it wasn't helpful for me to try and fit into the same shape box as other people. It wasn't even possible. And I was expending an awful lot of energy trying to be somebody that I wasn't, trying to feel the way I thought I should be, trying to do what I thought I should do, and it was totally counterproductive. And that gave me the confidence to start trying different ways of doing things, which was enormously positive. I think sometimes we're scared of ourselves, that we're scared of what we might find out, and whether we'll find that acceptable or not. A remarkable number of people in my experience feel scared that who they are isn't okay. Like there's a very pervasive sense in society that there's something wrong with us, and you can attribute that to whatever you like. I mean we have many systems in place that have a vested interest in keeping us feeling like we need something. So that might be part of it, but it's very common for people to say I feel like I'm too much, I feel like I'm not good enough, I feel like I'm wrong somehow, I'm the wrong person, that my responses are wrong, my feelings are wrong, my behaviour's wrong, my attitudes are wrong, my appearance is wrong. Like there's so much that we challenge about ourselves. And so I think it can be really scary to look at what's there, because if we fear that what we find won't be acceptable to us, that's hard. Sometimes it's easier just to turn the other way. Then there's this quirk in the way that human beings work, which is that we, generally speaking, are much better at seeing the beauty, seeing the value in others than we are in seeing it in ourselves. So we will be able to speak wisely to someone else if they were in the same situation that we're in. We'd give them great advice, we'd be compassionate, we would say very sensible and thoughtful things. Whereas if we're in that situation, we often say things like, oh you're so stupid, you should try harder, you're making a fuss about nothing. There'll be this intensely critical inner monologue running. So one of the most powerful things I think in terms of starting to become self-aware is noticing the discrepancy between between how we tend to view and talk to other people and how we tend to view and talk to ourselves. Because once you know it, even if you're still doing it, you can see that there's something that doesn't quite add up. I mean, I had an episode of it just yesterday. I was in a situation where I decided I really needed to be very strong. I needed to hold everything together, I needed to not show any emotion. I would never ever ask that of someone else. I would always appreciate their openness and their honesty and their willingness to be vulnerable. But for some reason I had it in my head that it was unacceptable for me, and it was only because I was talking with someone who I trust, who knows me well enough to be able to see what was going on, and they pushed me to say what's really going on here, that I was able to access that, and I had a moment of feeling shame for not holding everything together. Then afterwards I thought, but if my friend had behaved that way, the way I behaved, I would have had nothing but compassion for them. So I think just to see that we often have a disconnect there, that's the beginning of doing things differently. I've noticed that as I feel I know myself a bit better, as I feel a bit more familiar to myself, I spot the patterns. It increases the range of options that I have in front of me. So for example, right at the moment I'm trying to do several things in my life which are new, and as a result I feel slightly daunted or overwhelmed because I'm out of my comfort zone. In the past, the moment I felt that sense of overwhelm or fear about will I get it right or is it too much or will I cope, or any of those kinds of thoughts, that would be such an uncomfortable feeling that I would immediately start shutting things down, because that was all I knew to do. These days I know myself quite a lot better, and I know that. My resilience goes up and down and it's influenced by a number of different things. So when I feel that discomfort, instead of having the one option of run away from it because it's all too scary, I have another option, which is to think, are there things I can do to help myself feel more on top of this situation? I can still run away and make it all stop, but maybe I might want to experiment with some of those things first and then see if I still feel the same way in half an hour or two hours or tomorrow. So that's kind of opened up a bit of space of possibility that didn't exist before. And you can kind of go down the levels in that and find that where things were just very black and white, you can introduce a whole range of extra shades of grey in there. And sometimes I find that there's a surprise. I thought that a situation was insurmountable, that I would just have to stop, but after breaking it down and trying some different things, I realized that I felt differently about it and I could continue. That's really new for me, but I couldn't do that without having the awareness of what happens on the inside of me. I think it has a massively positive impact or has the potential to have a massively positive impact on your relationships with other people. Because then you're able to speak from your own experience in a very authentic way. And saying, I'm experiencing this right now, I'm feeling this way, I'm thinking this right now, whatever it is, and that's what's going on for me, and that might change and we can talk about it. I know as someone who grew up without much very useful emotional vocabulary myself, that my options when I had conflict with people or I was in a difficult situation of some kind in the past were very limited. I wouldn't know how to communicate about what was going on. Whereas now I can say, right now I'm feeling a bit scared, or right now I'm afraid that you might be thinking this about me, or I'm really tired, and it's hard for me to have this conversation because I don't feel very well or resourced. Or you know, I can say a hundred different things that are genuine, that are not attacking the other person, but that give them a bit of useful information about how we can work together. So I think that the more you know yourself and can communicate that to other people, the easier it is to find ways through collaboratively, without shutting things down or resorting to conflict or blaming or any of that kind of stuff. I think that's a massive one. So that's some of what Katie shared in the episode, and I think you'll agree she did a great job of opening up what self-awareness can look like for us in all kinds of situations, and it didn't seem any point me rewriting it. And once again, like most toolkits, you'll need to build your SAKOSA, Swiss Army knife of self-awareness. I'm not sure that shortening this has any point if I keep reminding you of the full name. Anyway, you need to build your SAKOSA before the big stuff hits. Because trying to learn about self-awareness is possible in grief, sure, and it probably does happen a bit naturally anyway, but it's never the best time to learn something new, and you're unlikely to be able to use the tools as fully and correctly as if you'd already experienced them when you weren't in a bad place. For example, grief might teach you that you're the kind of person that just wants to get rid of everything that connects you to that loss immediately, maybe too quickly. Or it might teach you that you're a hoarder and that you will never touch the stuff linked to that grief again. Those are good things to know about yourself, because that's how you deal with grief. But if you had a tool for that ready, then it would help even more. For example, maybe you know you're prone to getting rid of reminders straight away, but you've learnt in the past that you've regretted that, because further down the line you've wished you had some of their things to hold on to. When you go through a grief, you just pop out that tool from your cuss oh dear, I can't say it myself now, from your sarcosa and use it. You get rid of some things, but you keep a few choice items that you put out of the way for now maybe, but that you'll get out later. The same goes for the opposite. If you know you're prone to never getting rid of anything, and this is hampering your life and those around you, then you pop out your tool sounds a bit rude, on your sarkosa, and set a date with a good friend to sort through some things that you need to get rid of. Being aware of how you deal with grief will help you develop a tool that you can use when you need it. Other examples might be like Katie mentioned, communication. Maybe you find it hard to communicate your feelings, and now you're learning this is really hard on yourself but also those around you. And I want to just pause for a second here to say that self-awareness isn't just about you and only being aware of your needs. It's crucial to do that, yes, but we live around other humans and we were built to be in community and relationships with them. So it's important to be self-aware, not just for you, but to help you fit in with those around you and connect to others. So yes, back to our communication tool. Learning to use that tool effectively, learning to communicate well, won't just help you and vocalise how you feel, it will also help you connect with those around you, which is vital for getting the right support in grief. Do you naturally shut down and close others out? Do you overshare and scare people? Do you get angry? Do you internalize everything? Do you deflect? How do you communicate? What tool do you need to have to help you do that better when you're in a place like grief? There might be other tools that you have in your belt that you know will help you in this way and that you can pull out when you're grieving. Some examples might be journaling. Maybe you know that you open up with a pen and paper and access how you're feeling better that way. This might be represented by the pen tool that you can get on a Swiss Army knife. I would definitely have one of those. Meditation or prayer. Maybe you know that you need to find a way to calm your mind, listen to your thoughts, or pass your burdens onto a higher power. Maybe this is the can opener tool. Either you crack open a nice drink while you do this, or maybe it's about opening up your mind. Not literally, I do feel like the Swiss Army Knife people would want me to say they do not recommend opening minds with the can opener tool. Self-care. Maybe you know that you let things go a bit when things get tough, and you need to prioritize some time to just make yourself feel like you again. This might be the nail file or the cuticle pusher tool. Therapy. Maybe you know that you need professional help in situations like this, because you struggle to process things because of previous experiences or other challenges in that area. This might be the magnifying glass tool, a way of looking at yourself on a deeper level, in more detail, drilling down to those microscopic things that make you the way you are. Or the laser pointer to help you focus on what really needs to be addressed. Finding people to talk to or being part of a community. Maybe you know that you're tempted to shut everyone out, so you need to actively find a friend, a colleague, a relative to talk to, or a community to join, like a support group, a church, a hobby, or volunteering. And I think this might be the fondue fork tool. Everyone loves to gather around a cheese fondue, don't they? And you can impress all your new friends with it. Arts and crafts. Maybe you know that being creative helps you process, doing things like painting, drawing, scrapbooking, knitting, crochet, crochet, music, things that calm your mind. There's scientific proof out there that I can't quote exactly, but it's something like when you use the creative part of your brain, it helps you to also process complex or overwhelming information that you're dealing with, because it allows the brain to see it from new angles. And I think the tool that would be most appropriate here would be scissors. Personality tools. Maybe you've learned things about yourself and what you are, who you are, what you need through things like Myers Briggs, Insights, Enneagram. And you need to pull out this information and remind yourselves of the things that you need to do or not do. And I think this tool might be something very specific and unique to you in your Swiss Army knife. Maybe it's the hoof cleaner, or the pharmaceutical spatula, or the orange peeler, or the fish scaler. Physical activity. Maybe you know that getting your body moving is a great tool for you to work through emotions, burn off energy, reset your system. I think this might be represented by the LED light. It's very useful exercising in the dark, and it's always good to be seen on the roads. Plus, there are lots of self-help tools, of course, like reflective questioning or self-reflection, techniques to identify emotional triggers. Some people do a SWOT analysis on themselves, assessing your environment and what works for you, plus many more. And I think these are probably represented by all the other tools like box openers, screwdrivers, wrenches, bottle openers, pliers, or the USB drive. Just like the number of tools you can put on a Swiss Army knife, there are endless tools you can find to help you become more aware of yourself and what you need. especially in grief. But the joy of all these tools is that you collect them as you learn about them and keep them in one very small compact design that helps you pull them out whenever you need them. To follow this analogy through, let's say that's your brain. I can't really think of another analogy for where you'd keep all these tools, have them with you and allow them to be that portable, unless you get maybe a Swiss Army notebook and jot them all down so that you remember them maybe. Ralph Ellison wrote in the book Invisible Man, when I discover who I am, I'll be free. And the Swiss psychiatrist, psychotherapist and psychologist, which seems appropriate, Swiss, Carl Jung said something very challenging, everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves. We can learn about ourselves in so many ways, and sometimes like Carl says, it can be learnt just by looking at what irritates us in others. But once we learn these things, like Ralph Ellison said, we can be free. So much can come from understanding who you are and why you are as you are. So what tools do you need to have on your SAKOSA? What do you already know about yourself that will help you in grief that you can pull out in your tools? And what do you not know or ignore that you could work on to add a tool? After all, you can have up to 80 of them. Katie was actually part of a small team that developed something called the Amiko cards. They're a pack of very colourful cards that can help you work out what you need in the moment when you don't really know what to do. Each pack has 52 simple evidence-based ideas that can help to boost physical and mental well-being. The idea is that you look through the deck and ask yourself what would help me right now? Then you pick a card or several and the choice is yours. You can have anything and you simply notice what would feel good for you in that moment and then you do it in whatever way works for you. It might be going for a walk might be a drink of water it might be having a bath deep breaths simple things that can help you be able to make a decision and do something that will help you. I've got a pack of these myself. And even the act of using something like this helps us learn about ourselves, what we enjoy, what helps us feel safe, what we can go to in a hard time. I'll put a link in the show notes to buy the cards or the poster version that they also sell. So to listen to the full episode with Katie just click on the link in the show notes or go to our websiteSignupmai.com and click on let's chat and you can hear any of our let's chat episodes there. Thank you for joining me today I hope you've got something useful from this episode and I'll see you in the tool shed next time for our next tool to help us work through