The Grief Toolshed: Compost - it's all about balance (& worms)

#145.  How can a metaphorical bag of compost help us get through grief? Let's find out.

This is The Silent Why, a podcast on a mission to open up conversations around grief, asking if hope can be found in 101 different types of permanent loss.

Welcome to my brand-new series of episodes - The Grief Toolshed.

In this series, I’m visiting the garden tools shared by our Let’s Chat guests (from my metaphorical toolshed) and turning them into practical, supportive tools we can use when we face grief. One per episode. Together, we’ll unpack them and explore how to actually use them when grief shows up.

And in this episode, I’m looking at how a bag of compost (given to us by Dr Colleen Crary, in her Let’s Chat episode about PTSD), can help us prepare for, and get through, grief.

Think of it as building your own toolkit - ready for whenever you need it most.

Listen to Colleen’s full episode, Let’s Chat… PTSD, here:
https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/772c3bcd/lets-chat-ptsd-with-dr-colleen-crary

If all this is new to you, and you have no idea what’s going on, listen to the episode I put out introducing this new series, ‘Introducing… The Grief Toolshed’:
https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/7dad62e8/introducing-the-grief-toolshed

Transcript

Welcome To The Grief Tool Shed

Claire 0:00

Hello, I'm Claire. This is The Silent Why podcast, exploring all kinds of grief and loss, and welcome to my metaphorical tool shed, where I'm exploring the tools that my Let's Chat guests have shared with us over the last few years to help us navigate grief. If you're not sure what any of that means, check out my Introduction to the Grief Tool Shed episode for a full explanation of this new series. So, what was the second tool that I was given to add to my shed? Come with me into my metaphorical tool shed.

Speaker 1 0:43

I would say rich soil in which to plant your seeds and tender them and have them grow. Sure, it might have come from, you know, a poopy place, but from the ashes, also part of compost, we can grow beautiful plants, food, fruit, vegetables. Do it.

Rich Soil As A Healing Metaphor

What Compost Is And Why It Matters

Translating Compost Into Grief Balance

Cultivating Growth Isn’t Easy

When We Don’t Use Compost: Soul Compaction

Losing Sponge-Like Openness

Nutrient Loss And Stunted Growth

Friends As Worms: Vital Helpers

Guarding Against Pests And Nasties

Why Good Things Fail In Bad Soil

Claire 1:10

Rich soil or compost. In this Let's Chat episode, I spoke to Dr. Colleen Crary about post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD, and she gave a unique insight into a condition where people experience a permanent alteration or a loss of self. At the end of the episode, I asked her what tool she wanted to add to my metaphorical tool shed that could help others going through loss, and she wanted to add rich soil. And because that's an item we don't just want floating around on the floor, we agreed on a bag of compost. Or as they say in the US, 'carm-poe-st'. It was the perfect second tool for my shed, because to use it and move it we need my first tool, which was, let's say it together, a spade. Yes, and if you didn't say it out loud with me, I'm guessing you're either a bit of a party pooper, you didn't listen to the last episode, or you're on a bus. So, what is compost? Well, if I Google it, the AI answer, which we're all inflicted with now at the top of the page, says that compost is a nutrient-rich, decomposed mix of organic materials, primarily consisting of a balanced mix of greens, which are nitrogen-rich like food scraps, grass clippings and manure, and browns, which are carbon-rich, like leaves and cardboard, etc. It requires oxygen, water, and microorganisms to break it down, and that improves the soil health structure and aeration. Another answer is that compost is any organic matter that has decomposed, including leaves, weeds, manure, kitchen scraps, ash, wood, and paper. It's a well-balanced, nutrient-rich mixture that helps make soil healthy. So what happens if it's not balanced? When it doesn't get the necessary elements and the right amount of both, along with air and water, the microbial activity that's responsible for decomposition suffers. You can tell I've had to Google this because none of these words are in my daily vocabulary, and I actually do composting. And basically the result of this is a slow, smelly, inefficient process, or in severe cases it's just a dead pile of stuff that attracts pests. And that actually reminds me of the last episode where we were talking about what happens if we don't move that pile of soil quick enough with our spade. But why do we actually need compost? Well, it helps with environmental protection by diverting waste from landfills and reducing methane emissions. It enriches the soil, adding nutrients and promoting beneficial microbes, and it improves soil structure. It also helps with water conservation, because it increases soil moisture retention, reducing the need for watering. It helps reduce waste because it converts kitchen and garden waste into valuable compost. It also improves plant growth by balancing the soil density and strengthens plant resilience. And it's cost effective because it produces a free soil conditioner which reduces the need for fertilizers. So, what has all this got to do with us in our grief? Well, I think compost represents the mix of things that we allow into our grief to help us. Whether that's talking about what we're going through, maintaining friendships, getting therapy, allowing ourselves to feel our feelings, getting on with the day-to-day, looking after our bodies and minds, being honest with how we're feeling, being realistic about how long we're going to take to heal, all these things that we can do to help us in our grief. These are all mixed up in a compost of rich soil that we can plant into. But if that mixture is out of balance, we start to smell instead. Maybe not actual body odour, but it's likely that things will start to look a bit off in our lives and get a bit whiffy. And other people will probably start to notice it. Something's not quite right with Claire. I mean, if you do decide to get loads of therapy for your grief, but you don't look after your body at all, then I suppose you might literally smell. Maybe something also to avoid. The same can be said of any of these elements though, they all need to be done in balance. If you only feel your feelings and don't allow any other elements in to help you, you will drown in them. Feelings have a purpose, but you're not supposed to be totally consumed by them. As Matt Haig said, you are not your feelings, you just experience them. If you only looked after your body and you lived at the gym, but you never dealt with your mind, you would be out of balance. If you shut yourself away and never saw anyone else, you would lose your sense of reality and perspective on what you're facing. If you avoided ever being alone with your thoughts, you would only be delaying something that was longing to get out of you in other ways or further down the line. Balance is really important. I think having good compost in our grief is the perfect balance of all the elements we need to help us through. And if we can cultivate that, then we can create the perfect place to plant all the new things that we want to grow as well. We'll probably even find we'll attract things that plant themselves there that we didn't expect. If you leave a heap of compost somewhere long enough, you'll have wildflowers and all kinds of blooming things by next spring. Mind you, I have seen the same happen with a pile of tarmac gravel, but that is an entirely different episode. So we know the perfect balance of all those things will help us create the right environment for healing and for growth. But you know what I'm gonna say? It is not easy. Because nothing ever is in grief. Composting is not easy. I know, I have one of those plastic compost bins in our garden. It's fantastic for reducing our household waste. We use it for all our uncooked food scraps, eggshells, toilet rolls, shredded cardboard, hoover dust and grass clippings and leaves, etc. But getting that balance right can take years of practice, and I am definitely not there yet. And that is why most people just buy a bag of compost instead. And it's okay to do that, even in our grief. I'd like to think that this podcast is a bag of compost that you can buy, even though it's even better than that because it's free. But it's a mix of all the things that can help you, from a variety of people, sources, experiences, and expertises and ideas. I don't know exactly if it's the perfect mix, but let's just say it is. It's the same with grief support groups, charities, organizations, social media accounts, all the different ways that people are trying to help people get through their grief, trying to help them see what they need to add to their compost bin, or their grief bin, if you will, to create that perfect composition. There are lots of places to get the nutrients that you need to grieve in a healthy way. And fortunately, although you need a good mix, it doesn't have to be quite as perfectly balanced as actual compost. So that's all well and good. But some of us really won't want to be bothered with all this. It looks like a lot of hard work. But I want us just to look at what happens to our garden or our grief or even our soul if we don't use compost. Firstly, if you don't use actual compost in a garden, you will face soil degradation and compaction. Without the organic matter to keep the soil loose, it becomes compacted, and this limits oxygen, making it very difficult for roots to penetrate, breathe, and grow. So I'm gonna say that if you don't use compost in your grief, you're not gonna face soil degradation necessarily, but you might face wait for it, soul degradation. We can just as easily get compacted. We become these rock hard blobs of a soul that is trying to fend off everything that life throws at it. It becomes hard because it doesn't want to feel the bad feelings. It doesn't want to love again, that only brings pain. It becomes a bit of a leave me alone solid lump of sod off. Water can't penetrate it, which means other people can't get through to us. We're not flexible with who we are and what we feel, and we no longer believe anything can help us. Now sure, this kind of soil needs time to loosen up again, but with the right compost, a spade, and the soft, refreshing rain, it is entirely possible to renew it. And that's the same with us. If you're feeling like a solid, compacted lump of soul, remember this. None of us are ever beyond redemption. There is always hope, and there is always a way to loosen up that soil once more. Secondly, if you don't use compost in your garden, you get poor water retention in your soil. Soil lacking organic matter loses its sponge-like quality, which allows water to just run off the surface during rain, resulting in inefficient water use. You're just wasting water basically. So if we don't use compost in our grief and we become hard and compacted, it's not that when it rains water just runs off your body. That will always happen, hopefully. In grief it's not literally water, it's the lovely things that life wants to offer us. All the things that people say and do to try and help us, the things that might make us feel better, will literally be like water off a duck's back if we don't have the ability or that sponge-like quality to absorb them. To learn from others, receive tips for how to heal, hear the encouragements that others might want us to know, these are all things that will help us along our grief journey, and to be shut off to those, it never ends well. We as humans were not made to be alone, we were built for relationships and community, and we also need to have that sponge-like quality. Thirdly, not using compost in a garden can also reduce fertility and result in nutrient loss. This means the plants will become hungry and stunted because the soil lacks the slow release nutrients that compost provides. So if we're not getting the right balance of things in our loss compost, or COM loss, nope, never mind, then we can't grow the things that are trying to take seed. Now I'm not going to literally say we get reduced fertility too in grief, although I'm sure it isn't at its best when we're in the worst stages of it, but we do lose nutrients. Literally, if we're not looking after our bodies, because then we can start to suffer in all kinds of ways. Not just physical ailments, but our mental health suffers, and this can impact our jobs, our families, our friendships, and all the support networks we might have around us. But also, like we said before, there will be a lot of good things trying to take seed in our grief. And if we're not looking after that soil, the things that are trying to grow might get stunted and die. And then we might be discouraged from ever trying to grow them again. There are also lots of things that live in soil that depend on its health, such as microorganisms, earthworms and beetles that break down materials and aerate the soil. They will starve and disappear without the right environment, and because they were also helping the soil health, we end up with even more problems. So what would a metaphorical worm look like in my analogy here? Well, I thought hard about this one, and I think they might be friends. Sorry, friends, but hear me out. Worms are incredibly important for soil. In fact, Charles Darwin said, it may be doubted whether there are many other animals which have played so important a part in the history of the world as have these lowly organized creatures. Worms eat and recycle organic matter to keep the soil healthy, and their casts, or worm poo to you and me, can contain five times more nitrogen, seven times more phosphorus, and a thousand times more beneficial bacteria than the original soil. Soil without earthworms is 90% less effective at soaking up water. And because they need moist soil with enough organic matter to feed on, you can actually use their numbers as an indicator of how healthy the soil is. See where I'm going with this? I think this is also probably true of friends. Those with a good friend network probably have healthier soil than those without any friends. Friends hear about our pain, they wipe our tears, they help us process, they listen, advise, mirror, and create an environment where they can take our pain, our words, our feelings, and recycle that into helpful feedback, advice, and support. We need friends like soil needs worms. And if you don't have any, you can actually buy them. Real worms, but also listening ears in your grief. You can go to therapy, you can join a grief group, you can start a new hobby, you can find or buy friends. But not naked friends. Never buy those. Fourthly, if we don't use compost in our garden to create healthy soil, we leave ourselves or our soils vulnerable to pests and diseases. Plants that grow in poor, nutrient-deficient soil are stressed, making them more susceptible to nasties. So what are the nasties that we leave ourselves open to in grief if we don't have a good balance in our compost? Anger, unforgiveness, depression, isolation, bitterness, addictions, bad coping strategies, stimulants, mental illness, physical illness, inability to cope with the day-to-day, loss of our job, divorce, breakdown of relationships, suicidal thoughts, wrong beliefs, all the things that love to thrive in an environment that is not balanced. But when we include talking, feeling, getting help, looking after ourselves, talking to friends, setting targets, being motivated, we starve off the stuff that wants to come in and thrive in bad soil. Lastly, if we don't use compost in the garden, we won't see growth. The combination of lack of nutrients, water stress, and poor structure results in smaller harvests for anything we are trying to grow. Even if we're trying to grow good things, they will not thrive in the wrong soil. And I know that's hard to hear for some people because you're really trying to grow the good things, but at the same time you're denying the needs of your soil, or in this case, your soul. You need to feel those feelings, but you don't want to or you don't know how to. You need to talk about your struggles, but you don't want to, or you don't know how to. You need to take care of your body, find time to rest, protect your mental health, keep up with friends, but you're not. And so even if you manage to grow something big, in bad soil, the chances are when the first storm hits, it is going down, because it won't have the roots to sustain it, support it, and feed it. It is not healthy enough to survive. And this might mean that you need to strip everything back and start from scratch, which probably feels painful and too much work, but it is worth it. You can put it off for as long as you want, but eventually that soil needs turning over, feeding and looking after before anything else can grow. I'm going to finish with the imagery that Colleen used. What makes up compost might have come from, to use her words, a poopy place, whether that's manure, ashes, or decomposed things. But from it, beautiful things can grow. In compost it might be flowers, fruit, or food. In grief it might be peace, joy, hope, love. Or maybe it was a new charity, an organization, a book, a hobby, new relationships, travel, confidence, self-esteem, or one of the many more amazing things that we've heard our guests talking about growing in and through their grief. There's a well-quoted passage from the Bible in Isaiah 61. It says this To all who mourn, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted. As they say, great oaks from tiny acorns grow. Get your soil right. Get your soul right. And we're not just talking about a few dahlias and a rhubarb plant here, we're talking great oaks that could grow. Many, many great things in this world have been grown in the soil of grief. But you have to get the balance right. To listen to the full Let's Chat episode with Colleen, just click on the link in the show notes or go to our website, thesilentwy.com, and click on Let's Chat to listen to any of our Let's Chat episodes. Thank you for joining me today. I hope you've got something useful from this episode, and I'll see you in the tool shed next time for our next tool to help us work through grief.