The Grief Toolshed: The Spade - let's dig deep into grief

#144.  How can a metaphorical spade help us get through grief? Let's find out.

This is The Silent Why, a podcast on a mission to open up conversations around grief, asking if hope can be found in 101 different types of permanent loss.

Welcome to my brand-new series of episodes - The Grief Toolshed.

In this series, I’m visiting the garden tools shared by our Let’s Chat guests (from my metaphorical toolshed) and turning them into practical, supportive tools we can use when we face grief. One per episode. Together, we’ll unpack them and explore how to actually use them when grief shows up.

And in this episode, I’m looking at how the spade (given to us by Sue Brayne, in her Let’s Chat episode about mortality), can help us prepare for, and get through, grief.

If all this is new to you, and you have no idea what’s going on, listen to the intro episode I put out first:
https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/7dad62e8/introducing-the-grief-toolshed

Think of it as building your own toolkit - ready for whenever you need it most.

Listen to Sue’s full episode, Let’s Chat… Mortality, here:
https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/4c89d4f7/lets-chat-mortality-with-sue-brayne 

Transcript

Welcome To The Grief Tool Shed

Claire 0:00

Hello, I'm Claire, and this is The Silent Why Podcast, exploring all kinds of grief and loss. And welcome to my metaphorical tool shed, where I'm exploring the tools that my Let's Chat guests have shared with us over the last few years to help us navigate grief. If you're not sure what any of that means, then check out my Introduction to the Grief Tool Shed episode for a full explanation of this new series. So, what was the first tool that I was given to add to my shed? Let's go and find out. Come with me to my tool shed. [tool shed sound effects]

Sue Brayne 0:46

Oh, it would be a spade. Dig down deep, girl. Definitely a spade.

Why The First Tool Is A Spade

Moving Soil As A Grief Analogy

When The Work Gets Hard

Using The Spade To Dig Into Feelings

Sorting, Cutting, And Prodding Emotions

Preparing Ground For New Growth

Claire 0:57

A spade! Yes, this was the very first Let's Chat episode that I did, and I spoke to Sue Brayne about mortality. Sue explained in that episode about how knowing that we're gonna die one day is a great way to really know how to live now. Her own near-death experience really taught her how to harness the value of life and how we choose to live. Life is finite. We get one shot at it. And Sue believes that that knowledge really sharpens us up to see life more clearly. And at the end of the episode, I asked her, what tool would you like to add to my metaphorical tool shed that could help others going through grief? And she wanted to add a spade. I don't think that could be a better starting tool really. I think spades are vital for any garden work. So let's see how they can also help us through our grief work. If you've ever had a large delivery of soil, or stones or compost, where a big lorry arrives and it tips it onto your driveway, let's say around a ton in weight, and it's your job to move it to where it needs to go, then you'll know the value of a spade. Now, some here might argue that it's a shovel that you need, but just humour me for the purpose of this episode. So you have a big pile of, let's say, soil, in front of your door and it needs to be moved. I think we can all mostly agree it's a daunting task. Unless you happen to be one of those six foot tall built like the proverbial brick house type people. But knowing it needs to be done, you pick the right time and day, and you get stuck in. And those first few spade loads usually feel really good. The work is started. You already feel healthier, you can feel the muscles growing, and you feel like you are winning at something. However, a third of the way through the task, you might be feeling a lot less optimistic. You're tired. You don't have the muscles that you thought you had. The pile is not diminishing at the speed that you hoped. There's a lot more here than you realized. The neighbours are starting to frown as they walk by, assuming it's going to be there for weeks. You're questioning yourself what makes soil so heavy, and is it getting heavier? You realize it is going to take a lot longer than the thirty minutes you anticipated, and it's started to rain. Halfway through, you're questioning your decision to get the pile delivered at all. You're questioning whether you will survive the task, and you're silently cursing anybody that walks past and does not offer to help. Three quarters of the way through, you've given up on life. You hate this pile. You suspect that you accidentally ordered the never-ending supply of soil, and if anyone dares speak to you or touch you before you get this finished, you will not be responsible for your actions. The soil delivery man will be. It is not until that pile has gone, probably days or weeks later, and you're safely back indoors in a comfy chair, hugging a hot mug of tea and munching on a jammy dodger, that you now feel that warm, satisfied feeling of a job well done. Now you feel in control, a little bit fitter, and honestly, a little smug and pleased with yourself. This is a tentative example of what a spade can achieve. In this scenario, it is the right tool for the job, and the person using it knows what to do with it. Some might argue that a big old digger would be a lot more fun, but most of us don't have access to that kind of tool, and I certainly haven't got one in my shed yet. In fact, for the purpose of this analogy, let's just say that's cheating. So there was a heap of stuff that you had dumped. It needed to be moved, it was your job to move the pile, you found the tool that fit the job, and you did the work. Success. So that's great. But this pile would never have got shifted if you had a spade, but you never used it. It wouldn't have got done if you had a spade but didn't know how to use it. And it certainly wouldn't have got done if you had a spade and just hoped that someone else would do it. It is not enough to have a spade in your shed. You need to know how to use it and then you have to actually get up and use it. The same is true of grief. When grief arrives, a big old pile of stuff gets dumped at your door. You might have known it was coming, but you might not. What you do know is that it's definitely yours, it's in the way, it needs dealing with, and it has to be you that does it. And that, just like moving the soil, is not easy. In fact, we often wish it hadn't arrived. It wasn't ours, it didn't need dealing with, or that someone else could do it. But I hate to break it to you. That is not gonna happen. I don't need to take the analogy far for you to imagine what it would look like if you left a huge pile of soil on your doorstep. You'd be walking over it to get out the door, maybe in your nice work shoes. You'd be struggling over it on the way home with all your grocery bags. It would be very unwelcoming for guests, it would eventually either start to smell or grow things on it. You might attract some nice animals like hedgehogs, but equally you might attract rats. Big lumps of soil have to be dealt with. Grief has to be dealt with. So what might be in this metaphorical pile of grief? Well, lots of feelings, emotions, complicated thought patterns, frustrations, regret, confusion, anger, forgiveness, loneliness, changed identity, physical, mental, emotional, spiritual challenges and changes, questions, answers, tears, or anything else that your specific grief might have brought to your door. So how do we deal with this? And what use is our spade tool? Well, first of all, if you're listening to this, then I present you with your spade. Imagine it any colour, size or texture. It's a metaphorical spade after all, so if you want a turquoise fluffy spade, you go for it. This is a tool to help you through your grief, either now or when it arrives later on, because we are all gonna get some grief land at our door eventually. So now you have your spade, but you need to use it. And the first thing you need to do is to start to dig into what is in front of you. You have to start to make those first few impressions on it. And at first, this might come fairly naturally or feel fairly easy. You shed some tears, you go to the funeral, you feel generally sad about things, you recognise the loss. But just like the pile of soil, after the initial spadefalls that come quite easily, things start to feel a bit harder. You're tired, your emotional muscles are tired, the pile is not diminishing at the speed that you hoped. In fact, it dawns on you there's a lot more here to deal with than you realised. You're uncovering new things as you go that need to be dealt with, pulled out and explored. Other people are starting to notice you doing things differently, and you realise this grief is going to take a lot longer than the few weeks you anticipated to work through it. Oh, and it started to rain. This is the point when so many people give up. I've been there myself. We pull a pretty tarp over the pile and we keep walking over it in the hope that somehow it will go away on its own and not be a problem. But grief doesn't go away. It hides. It morphs and it finds other ways to be let out. And yes, if we leave it there, there might be some pretty things that will grow out the top of the pile, but underneath there's still a lot of stuff that needs you to pick up your spade and keep going. Maybe you know that you have given up on your pile, that there's still elements of grief that you've had sat on your doorstep for months or even years and they need dealing with. Maybe you need to remove the tarp, pick up your spade, and continue to do the work. Navigating grief in a healthy way means you have to dig deep. And for that you need a spade, but you also need to know how to use it. So what might digging deep into grief look like with our spade? Well, digging deep in grief means feeling your feelings to the full extent, however messy, inconvenient, or awkward that might feel to you. And this is where we use our spade to sort through what's there and work out what needs dealing with now, what you want to deal with now, and what might need to wait in the garage for a little while. A spade can also be good for cutting things off. Maybe you've got some nasty, thorny brambles that are snaking from your grief around healthier things in your life, trying to choke the life out of them. Get the edge of the spade and give that bramble a short, sharp cut to stop it entangling other things. Maybe there's a thread of unforgiveness, or anger, that has grown in your grief and is slowly choking your joy and peace. You might need to identify that and deal with it. Cut it off from causing further damage. Spades are also good tools for prodding things. Maybe you're coming across some things in your grief pile and you're not sure what they are. Are they soft? Are they hard? Spiky? Poisonous, dead, alive? Prod it with the spade. Work out what it is and what you need to do with it. Maybe you've discovered a huge chunk of anger that you didn't realise you were storing towards something or someone. You prod it and it's hard feeling. It's been hardening over many years, in fact, and you realize that you need to do something about it. Or maybe you prod something unexpected and it moves, and you find that actually you did have some hope still in there. And it looks like it's still alive, despite all the pain and darkness around it. These are all ways we can dig deep into grief, sort through it and work at it. But a spade doesn't just do the grunt work, it also gets to be something we can use in other ways, when the initial pile of grief is dealt with and the healing starts to happen. Spades help us prepare for new growth. They can help us clear and remove things to create space for new things to be planted, new beginnings. With a spade we can dig holes to sow seeds, and sometimes we'll be planting into the soil that we moved. Maybe we created a flower bed with it in our garden, and now, from the soil of our grief, we can plant seeds of joy, peace, hope, forgiveness, and love. Spades can also be used to break new ground. Maybe after working through our grief we feel the desire to start something fresh, and we can use our spade to not just finish an old task that we had to do, but start a new one that we want to do. And of course, let's not forget that when we have something daunting to deal with like this, it doesn't have to be done alone. There are always other people around, and some of them will be more than happy to get out their worn, used, experienced spade to stand alongside you and help. They can't do the work for you, but they are willing to support you in whatever you need to do. And this might look like counselling or therapy. This can help us unpick and understand all that we've uncovered. Or grief groups to talk about the work we're doing, share how hard it feels, and hear how other people are dealing with their heaps of grief, maybe get some tips. Or it might be practical things people can do to support us while we're doing the work, when we're more tired and distracted. Meals, physical help, a listening ear. In fact, not doing it alone is usually the best way to get through it and it can often speed the process up. All of these things will look different for different people going through different griefs, but I hope you can see and find things here that would help you feel less fearful about picking up your spade in grief and starting to do the work that needs to be done. It's not easy, it's not quick, it's not even fun, but it is necessary, and I can promise you that there will be a day when you eventually sit in a comfy chair, hugging a hot mug of tea, munching on a jammy dodger, and feel that warm, satisfied feeling of a job well done, where you feel more in control, a bit healthier, and honestly, a little bit pleased with yourself. And of course, we don't just have a spade for working through grief. In fact, I've got nearly 30 other tools to help us, so stay tuned to add more tools to your tool shed. Some of them will be of use to you, some won't. Some you'll never need, some you'll never let go of. Everyone is different, every grief is different, every task, garden, job is different, and that's why there's a myriad of tools out there to help us. If you want to listen to the full Let's Chat episode with Sue, just click on the link in the show notes or go to our website, www.thesilentwhy.com, and click on Let's Chat to listen to any of our Let's Chat conversations. Thank you for joining me today. I hope you've got something useful from this episode, and I'll see you in the tool shed next time for our next tool to help us work through grief.