BLOG REWIND: My Why: Accepting a life I don't want

#135. How do we accept, and live with, a life we never really wanted?

Welcome to another My Why Blog episode - where I share the audio version of my latest blog post. But in this case, it’s actually a re-release of the most popular blog episode I’ve ever put out (to my surprise!).

If you’ve been listening a while, you’ll know I usually pause podcasting in August to focus on writing and other projects. But this August is a little different, and I explain why in the intro.

If you’d rather read the blog, you’ll find it here: https://www.thesilentwhy.com/post/acceptingalifeidontwant (with the video and song links included).

This post grew out of a rather heavy Easter weekend, when I found myself asking questions like:
What if life never turns out the way we hoped?
If acceptance feels impossible, how do we ever begin to heal and move forward?

I suspect more people than we realise are quietly wrestling with these same questions. Grieving the life you imagined, and learning to accept the one you have, is not easy. And while I don’t claim to have figured it out yet, I’m convinced it’s a vital step if we want to keep moving forward.

You can explore more blogs to read, or listen to, here: https://www.thesilentwhy.com/blog

A few examples:

What happens if I let go?:
https://www.thesilentwhy.com/post/whathappensifiletgo

Disappointed with life:
https://www.thesilentwhy.com/post/disappointment-with-life

You're not the only one:
https://www.thesilentwhy.com/post/yourenottheonlyone

Navigating Mother's Day when you're childless:
https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/7a23238b/navigating-mothers-day-when-youre-childless

Lost Inside, where am I? (my experience with PMDD):
https://www.thesilentwhy.com/post/lostinside

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction and August Update
• 1:49 Accepting a Life I Don't Want
• 3:32 My Difficult Easter Weekend
• 7:53 Two Highways of Acceptance
• 13:00 Faith, Suffering and Finding Hope
• 19:52 Life's Blessings in Disguise
• 22:17 Laura Story's "Blessings" Lyrics

Transcript

Claire Sandys: 0:00

Hi there, welcome. I'm Claire, host editor, blog writer and everything else for The Silent Why. Well, it's August again and, as regular listeners will know, I often take time off the podcast in August to focus on some of my writing. However, this year is different. Chris and I are taking some time out for a road trip from October to December this year more on that nearer the time and so the podcast is going to have to look a bit different then. December this year more on that, nearer the time, and so the podcast is going to have to look a bit different then. So, instead of depriving you of our regular dulcet tones in August and then also October, november, december I thought I'd put out an episode, but I'd make it a re-release, and so I've chosen what is, to date, my most listened to blog on the podcast.

Claire Sandys: 0:40

I wrote this one in 2023, but I think it's probably as relevant to me now as it was then, and I know that a lot of you resonate with it, because that's what the listening figures show me. It's called Accepting a Life I Don't Want, and I think it's a hurdle that more people than we realise are trying to get over. In fact, someone recently told me about the micro griefs they currently face daily because of a huge change in life that they didn't expect. And that plays into the same theme grieving the life you thought you would have and learning how to accept the one that you have instead. It's not easy, but it's vital if we're to move forward and, of course, just like everything else we mentioned on the podcast, it's something that needs to be grieved and that might even be daily in small ways for the rest of our life, as always. If you prefer, you can always read my blogs on the website instead. So, whether it's your first time of hearing this or the second or the third, kick back and know that you are not alone if you're trying to accept a life that you didn't think you'd ever be in and that you don't really want. Claire Sands, my White Audio blog Accepting a life I don't want.

Claire Sandys: 1:49

Some of you will remember that I did an episode recently called Navigating Mother's Day when You're Childless. It was an episode that was a bit different because I just switched the mic on and spoke about all things Mothering Sunday, which is in March in the UK. As far as these days go, it actually went really well for me this year A lovely day with unexpected blessings and a general sense of peace. Have a listen for more on that if you haven't heard it already. However, I'm just coming out of the Easter weekend, which is usually a safe space for me, and it was probably one of the worst weekends I've had for a few months. So it just goes to show you never fully know where the chips are going to fall in life.

Claire Sandys: 2:28

Normally I really like Easter, especially as a childless woman. It doesn't have the family pressures in the same way that Christmas does. It acknowledges pain and suffering on Good Friday, highlights the waiting, grief and confusion of Holy Saturday in between, and celebrates the hope and triumph of resurrection on Easter Sunday. What's not to love? It's the path that we all hope to take through our loss, obviously spread out over more than just a weekend. There's something about it that I have connected with more and more over the years and look forward to.

Claire Sandys: 2:57

Those of you that know me by now will no doubt be muttering under your breath. It probably helps that it's the official time to eat marzipan too, and you're not wrong as a self-confessed and officially noted in many a blog marzipan lover. Seriously, folks, I think I might have a problem starting. I'm all for the festival that has a fruitcake with marzipan baked into the middle, laid on top and then decorated in small marzipan disciples, otherwise known as simnel cake, and of course, there's the usual abundance of chocolate appearing. Cadbury's mini eggs are a favourite of mine, but this year, well, not only was there no eggs, it just wasn't the safe place I was expecting or hoping for. And I've discovered you can't force it if it's not there.

Claire Sandys: 3:38

Why was it so bad? Well, I don't fully know, but I suspect it was my old friend PMDD, rearing his ugly head, and you can check out my blog, lost Inside. Where Am I for more on that, because I don't want to go over all the details and bore people again, but let's just say one of the D's in PMDD stands for dysphoric, which means a state of sadness, emotional discomfort or suffering, and that was my weekend. In a dairy-free chocolate nutshell, I spent the majority of the weekend either feeling angry, sad, frustrated or confused. I couldn't relax, I couldn't do work. I tried to edit a small noise into an episode that I was working on, and I couldn't work out if it sounded right. So I sat and sobbed at my desk while wait for it, not wanting to touch my simnel cake and tea that was next to me. Yes, that's how bad it was.

Claire Sandys: 4:30

My head was so full of nasty, horrible and dark thoughts that I couldn't open my mouth to speak for fear of the damage it was going to do. I've learnt a lot of coping strategies to protect myself and those around me, so I'm proud of myself for that. But it's really hard work internally. It's hard enough for any of us to capture one bad thought and turn it to good, let alone when every thought is going that way and I get angry that I can't just be me and I get sad, I can't enjoy myself. I feel lonely because I can't communicate it and I feel helpless because something inside me is crying out for help but I have no idea how to express or show it. It's a mess. Then last week's episode went out containing all the lovely feedback you guys had given us and I felt like a fraud because when I'd put it together I was looking forward to Easter and feeling joyful.

Claire Sandys: 5:10

It's worth noting here that although I like to think my blogs contain helpful words and wise quotes for you all or so you sometimes tell me that doesn't mean I know how to always apply it and live by it myself every day. These are lessons I'm still learning, wrestling with and processing. I have acquired a lot of wisdom from others over the years. I absorb it like a sponge when people share how they navigate life, but you can have all the head knowledge in the world and still not know how to let it filter down into your heart, and the irony of this dropping on me the week after I released a blog on being able to let things go is not lost on me.

Claire Sandys: 5:45

The reason I knew there was a blog subject in the middle of this messy weekend is because there was one particular theme that kept emerging in my mind repeatedly, and it was a subject that I know many other people are going to feel too. It's very closely related to my last blog what Happens If I Let Go? The sequel, if you will, because when you've learnt to let go, named what you're facing and started to accept what's before you, it's very freeing and you can start to see more long-term and reassess things and hope for new and different, but possibly better, adventures ahead. However, there's another aspect to this that I didn't expand on in the previous blog, and it was this that was haunting me over the Easter weekend and since, although many of you will identify with it, not all of you will, I suspect it can depend on your overall outlook, personality or upbringing. Let's just see if this is something you identify with or not.

Claire Sandys: 6:34

Picture something you have had to let go of, something you really hoped for, wanted or dreamed of and that you realise now is never going to happen for you. Narrow it down to as specific a sentence as possible. For example, I could say we might be childless forever. Or I could pin that down to I won't ever be pregnant, or I can't be a mother, or I might never get married, I can't hold down a full-time job, I'll never be able to ride a bicycle again, I'll never be the grandparent I wanted to be, etc. Etc. Word it in a way that you feel most comfortable with. But, as I said in my last blog, try to be really honest with yourself and take out all the fluffy maybes. If you know it's a definite, Be brave people.

Claire Sandys: 7:21

Now, if this is something that won't happen for you, there's the stage of letting go, as I discussed in the previous blog. Then there might be some time grieving that loss. That's perfectly normal. Then, at some point, in order to move forward in life, there's the stage of acceptance, and it's at this junction that we might all go our separate ways, depending on who we are. Let's say there's two main highways, but I suspect there are loads of different lanes on each of them, as we all have varying ways of working along these roads. The chances are you're going to find yourself on one of them without it actually being a choice that you made.

Claire Sandys: 7:54

Here are the two roads Highway 1 the Acceptance Accepted. Highway T-A-A-H TAR for short. This road is for those that have accepted their new life. Don't get me wrong. This doesn't mean they didn't experience the same level of struggle and grieving as those on the other highway. It just means that these folk are grabbing life and deciding to make it into something they will get the most from In the childless world. These guys are not apologising for the extra time on their hands, lie-ins at the weekend, the extra disposable income, the holidays during term time or their quiet house. This is their life and they are choosing to run with it and enjoy it.

Claire Sandys: 8:35

It's the person with the leg amputated who is running on those big springy metal strips as soon as they're able to. It's the grandparent who has more time and energy to put into causes in other people because they don't have grandchildren or don't see them as much as they'd like. It's the newly blind person who picks up their white stick and leaves the house alone for the first time. It's the person with a mental illness that creates space in their life for relapses, without beating themselves up about it or using it as an excuse. We've all seen courageous people like these or have seen their stories on the internet. So that's Highway 1, the Acceptance Accepted Highway.

Claire Sandys: 9:12

Then there's Highway 2, the Acceptance Not Accepted Highway. T-a-n-a-h, for short, tana I know, these are just such catchy acronyms and this is the highway that I have found myself on. Darn it, I really want to be on Highway 1. So badly. However, I will say that along Highway 2, there are connecting small roads that can take you to Highway 1, where you accept life happily, and vice versa.

Claire Sandys: 9:38

So it's very possible to switch. In fact, sometimes it happens by accident. You think you're cruising along in the slow lane of Highway 1, accepting things, when suddenly you get your butt switched via a slip lane to Highway 2, where you really belong. Ha. So what is Highway 2 exactly? Highway 2 is when you are forced to accept a life you didn't want, which is the same as those on Highway 1, but us Highway 2 guys are really not happy about it and we're fighting it at every single turn. We're looking backwards, wanting off, we're eyeing up the slip roads to leave but then realise they only head to a worse place Highway 1, where we'd have to fully accept our new life. We're looking around us at the other people comparing ourselves, we're scanning over the hedges to see what it might look like to be on the roads with people who are actually living a life they enjoy, and we bet they're all wearing sunglasses along the way.

Claire Sandys: 10:30

We do not want to accept the life or the situation that we have been given, and this was a large part of what I realised I was facing over my messy Easter weekend. I will probably always have a few days or weeks here and there for the rest of my life where I will be derailed mentally or physically, outside of my control. With PMDD, that is probably my life now. So does that mean the next step is coming to a point where I accept it, learn to voice it and, dare I say, change or cancel plans accordingly? The wrestling inside me was screaming no, this can't be it. I do not want this to be my life. It has to get better. I have to return to who I was before. It can't be the final me. Why can't childlessness? I do not want this to be my life. It has to get better. I have to return to who I was before. It can't be the final me. Why can't childlessness just be the thing, or not having a career? Why have I got this as well?

Claire Sandys: 11:14

And then I realised there is a lot about my life that I just don't want to accept. I need to accept I'm childless and I have no regrets about the decisions we've made along that path. But there are so many wonderful things I will never experience or know and that will always make me a bit sad. I need to accept I don't have a successful budding career that I once dreamt of. I didn't find something I loved to do for many years. I possibly wouldn't have been able to do it with the health stuff that came at me in my thirties. Anyway, I have had to still do forego a lot of other things I'd like to have in my life because of that. I need to accept that our marriage, blessed as I am in, that will always need a bit more work to make sure we're on the same page with all the stuff that childless life throws at you.

Claire Sandys: 11:59

I need to accept that I'm someone that will occasionally not be able to do things, not be able to be there for people, not be able to do everything I could do for others because of physical or mental health issues. I need to accept that I can't always be the me that others need me to be. I can't always be chatty, happy, visiting people, sending cards, buying gifts, rushing to help support them in the way that my mind wants to do but doesn't have the capacity for. I need to accept that sometimes I'm so tired and sad for no reason and that's okay. I need to accept that it's not weak, pathetic, moany or negative to tell others what you're going through and let them help. I need to accept there are certain places with certain people where I will feel like I don't fit in. I need to accept that sometimes my own plans will be derailed by my own brain and there's nothing I can do about that. I need to accept it's okay to feel this way, even though I beat myself up for thinking of all the people who have it worse than me.

Claire Sandys: 12:56

There are many things I need to accept, but honestly, I just don't want to. The truth is I don't want to be this person. It's not who I set out to be. If I die now, I am not okay with how far I've come on this journey. Yet I can see that those who have accepted their situation experience more peace, joy and hope with the ups and downs. So how do you do that? Can you do that? Or are some of us just not able to? Well, I have a very easy, very definitive answer for you. As far as I'm concerned, I have no idea, no idea at all. Hey, I can't do all the hard work for you.

Claire Sandys: 13:37

One definition of acceptance is the act of taking or receiving something that's been offered Nope, I don't want it, I am not taking it. Or a favourable reception or approval Again, no, I am not predisposed to accept this situation favourably. So where does that leave me? I don't want to accept this offering of a life. I don't want to receive it favourably, I don't want it, but it is what I have In fact right now. It's all that I have. So how do I move forward? Like I said, I don't have all the answers, but I know one thing, and this is where those of you without a faith or a belief in God might roll your eyes, but I can't see anything in this world that gives me anything strong enough to hang on to in all these situations.

Claire Sandys: 14:28

It's not that faith fixes all the issues, obviously, or I wouldn't be struggling with them now, not by a long shot. For example, I wasn't feeling the triumph of Easter Sunday this year. I felt like I was stuck in Good Friday with the disciples watching it all crumble around me as they watched Jesus, their friend, be crucified. As someone who believes Jesus rose from the dead, I found my mind and this is hard to admit saying whoop-dee-doo. But what good is that to me? Right now, as I sat and sobbed my way through a second watching of the shack, wondering were the children I might have had somewhere in heaven waiting for me? And concluding I didn't have them, so that doesn't make any sense. Nope, I'm still childless. There's a small glimpse through the grubby window into my PMDD mind for you. So it's not that faith changes any of that, but and it's a big but when I think about having to accept this life and this broken world with all its suffering, death, shootings, extinction, murder, dying children, war and dairy-free chocolate. There's something else that pops into my mind, and it's what Jesus teaches us. We were never meant to accept this broken life. He always intended more for us. It's okay to not accept the pain, suffering and heartbreak this world offers, because that's not what he wanted for us. It's just what the world has become, and I believe he's always with me in that, whether he's comforting me or I'm angrily shouting at him and sobbing, or we're eating marzipan together over a cup of tea.

Claire Sandys: 16:00

There's a song called Blessings by Laura Story. I'll put a link in the show notes and I'm going to end the episode with the lyrics. She went through a hard time with her husband's health and their prayers weren't answered in the way they hoped. So she started looking at redefining blessings. What if they could actually come through the bad stuff? It's a song that I've returned to a lot when I want to challenge the idea of my blessings only coming through money, health, relationships and jobs etc. So you might be thinking that's all well and good, but how does it help me when I'm stuck on Highway 2? Well, it all comes back to things I've said and heard said by our guests many times on the podcast. None of us are guaranteed a life without struggles, and I think that's the key point here to remember.

Claire Sandys: 16:44

There's a very challenging scene in the film and the book, the Shack, where the main character, mac, is chatting to a character called Wisdom about how he, as we all do, judges people as good or bad. He wants to condemn to hell the man that killed his daughter. In the conversation he admits that he even judges God for not stepping in and stopping what happened. It's a fantastic scene. I'll put a link to it in the show notes, but it is better in context of the whole story. Really, wisdom says this to him Is that who your God is, mackenzie? No wonder you're drowning in great sorrow. God isn't like that. This was not God's doing. He didn't stop it. He doesn't stop a lot of things that cause him pain.

Claire Sandys: 17:27

What happened to Missy was the work of evil and no one in your world is immune from it. You want the promise of a pain-free life and Mac replies yeah, yeah. She says there isn't one. As long as there is another will in this universe free not to follow God, evil can find a way in and Mac says there's got to be a better way, and she replies and there is, but the better way involves trust. This challenged me to the core. Where have I got this assumption that there are pain-free lives out there? Why have I assumed, with all the illness, evil and destruction in the world, I will be immune to it? Why have I assumed God causes or allows any of it, like a mean dictator choosing who to punish and release from punishment? What if we're all equal? We all get pains, suffering, illness and trials. They are different. They are many for some and less for others. They are results of our choices. They are purely biology. However it comes, whenever it comes, we should draw strength from being in this together.

Claire Sandys: 18:35

You can choose to be bitter, angry, frustrated and annoyed, or you can keep finding ways of hacking through the weeds to find hope, peace and joy within your situation. Would I swap my pain for a physical pain? Sometimes I want to. Would I want a daily physical pain for my whole life? No, would you go back and not have the death of a loved one occur in your life? Yes, probably. Would you do it if it meant never having that person in your life at all? Possibly not, so in some situations we'd choose grief, choose pain.

Claire Sandys: 19:08

It's confusing, isn't it? And it's okay to be confused. I have a faith that helps anchor me in these situations. It brings me home and makes me realise I'm not alone, and dairy-free chocolate isn't forever. But you might not have that, so you might have other things that have been your rock instead that help to explain what people go through However many people don't. They flounder, they fall, they drown in situations they were never meant to swim in alone in the first place, and that breaks my heart.

Claire Sandys: 19:36

If you're finding yourself struggling to accept the life you have, you're not alone. And that doesn't solve your situation. It won't make it any easier yet, but it does help to know it's not personal. All of us are in the same boat with this. There are no easy answers to these questions, but there is marzipan. No, sorry, I was going to say there is hope. There is always hope. It's not always easy to find, but it's there. It floats to the top of any situation if you let it, but you sort of have to look for it and want to find it. It's not interested in forcing itself upon you.

Claire Sandys: 20:15

I'm still working on this myself, but what I'm taking forward at the moment are some truths that might help you in your situation. I'm not alone. Everyone has their problems and grief. Look around you on your highway it's packed with people. I'm not alone. I believe in a God that shares my sufferings, collects my tears and will right all the wrongs on this planet one day.

Claire Sandys: 20:41

I don't have all the answers, and that's okay. No one does. I don't want this to be my life, but there are many aspects of my life and me as a person that I wouldn't give up for anything. It could be worse. Although it's not good to compare, whatever you're facing now could be worse. It might not feel that way, but it could. It's okay to be someone else.

Claire Sandys: 21:08

I'm needing to re-accept who I am, taking into consideration my childless status, my health, my employment. I need to absorb the things I don't like as part of me and find ways to accept them, but I also have new things to accept and love and enjoy. Because of those, and that's okay. It's hard for me to celebrate the extra freedoms I have without children and the increased down days I'll need with my health every now and then, but that's me, and nothing good is going to come from putting me down. It might not be the life you want, but it is the life you've got, and if we don't find a way to see past the newly acquired aspects we don't like, we'll be blind to the newly acquired blessings that have come our way and the good traits that have been born in us because of it. Own your story, write your future and let's all be building up to the point where we feel brave enough to look for those slip roads onto Highway 1, take a deep breath, grab a friend's hand and say let's do this, let's accept our life and start to celebrate it. Warts and all. I'm going to finish with Laura Story's lyrics from the song Blessings.

Claire Sandys: 22:17

"We pray for blessings. We pray for peace, comfort, for family protection while we sleep. We pray for healing, for prosperity. We pray for your mighty hand to ease our suffering. All the while. You hear each spoken need, yet love us way too much to give us lesser things. Because what if your blessings come through raindrops? What if your healing comes through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near? What if the trials of this life are your mercies in disguise? We pray for wisdom, your voice to hear. We cry in anger when we cannot feel you near. We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love, as if every promise from your word is not enough. And all the while you hear each desperate plea and long that we'd have faith to believe. What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise? When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win, we know that pain reminds this heart that this is not. This is not our home. It's not our home. What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy? And what if trials of this life the rain, the storms, the hardest nights are your mercies in disguise?"