Let's Chat... Finding hope as a widow (Rachel Powell)

#134. Let's chat... about finding hope after feeling hopeless as a young widow.

Welcome to another Let’s Chat episode, where instead of continuing our 101 Types of Loss list, I (Claire Sandys) sit down with guests who have expertise and personal insight into different aspects of loss.

In this episode, I have the pleasure of talking with Rachel Powell from Colorado. She’s a life coach, speaker, author, and founder of Hope Speaker, where she supports widows in moving from a place of hopelessness and loneliness to one of healing, and confident steps forward.

Rachel lost her husband, Andre, to suicide in June 2019, and she was left raising four children: their two-year-old daughter and three of her biological nieces and nephew.

In this conversation, Rachel shares how hard this journey was for her and the darkness that led her to attempt to take her own life. 

But as a person who's passionate about hope, we also talk about how she found hope again, what part her Christian faith has played in her healing, and why she now speaks so passionately about her experience. 

Rachel’s faith has been a big part of her healing, and while we don’t often delve into religion on this podcast, it’s important to see the different ways people find hope through grief. This episode is a powerful reminder that faith in God doesn’t guarantee an easier path. 

Rachel offers wisdom and encouragement for all of us — whether you’ve experienced partner loss or are simply wondering what that journey might look like.

For more about Rachel, and the resources we mention, visit:

www.hopespeaker.com
Faceboook: https://www.facebook.com/HopeSpeakerRachelPowell
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/hope_speaker/
Free Resources: www.hopespeaker.com/library

If you are interested in working 1:1 with Rachel for widow support, learn more at www.hopespeaker.com/coaching

To contact Rachel: Connect@hopespeaker.com

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Rachel's Story
• 8:30 Losing Andre to Suicide
• 17:36 The Black Box of Suicidal Thoughts
• 24:12 Faith and Empowerment in Grief
• 31:08 From Hopelessness to Hope Speaker
• 38:52 Healing Through Surrender and Gratitude
• 48:35 Hope as Miracle-Gro for Life
• 57:51 Resources and Show Closing

Transcript

Claire: 0:00

Hello there and thank you for joining me for another episode of Let's Chat on The Silent Why. I'm Claire Sandys and through this podcast, we're exploring how and where we can find hope through grief and loss. In these Let's Chat episodes, I chat to a guest who brings either personal experience or professional experience into a specific area of loss. Together, we're building what I like to call a metaphorical toolshed a growing collection of insights, stories and practical tools to help us prepare for or navigate life's inevitable losses. In this episode, I'm talking to Rachel Powell. In Colorado, she's a life coach, speaker, author and founder of Hope Speaker, where she supports Christian widows in moving from a place of hopelessness and loneliness to one of healing, support and confident steps forward.

Claire: 0:47

Rachel lost her husband, Andre, to suicide in June 2019. She was left raising four children, their two-year-old daughter and three of her biological nieces and nephew, which she and Andre were parenting together. In this conversation, rachel opens up about the deep and complex emotions that followed, the guilt and shame when blame was directed at her, the reactions she faced when setting boundaries and the darkness that led her to attempt to take her own life. We also talk about what it took for her to reclaim her mind and find hope again, including the warrior mindset that helped keep her going, the challenges and blessings of a blended family life now she's remarried, and why she now speaks so passionately about hope. Rachel's faith has been a big part of her healing and, while we don't often delve into religion on this podcast, I think it's important to see the different ways people find hope in grief.

Claire: 1:35

This episode is a powerful reminder that believing in God certainly doesn't make life any easier or mean that you get to avoid the hard stuff, but it can be a vital part of someone's journey through loss. I'm really excited for you to hear this conversation. Rachel offers wisdom and encouragement for all of us, whether you've experienced partner loss or are just simply wondering what that journey might look like. And, of course, I'll be asking Rachel what tool she wants to add to my metaphorical tool shed, so grab a hot drink or a cold drink, depending what you're in the mood for. Tool shed so grab a hot drink or a cold drink, depending what you're in the mood for.

Rachel Powell: 2:08

And relax with me and Rachel as we chat about finding hope as a widow. Well, my name is Rachel Powell and I am here doing a completely different life than I thought I would be doing. I'm supposed to be or I thought I was supposed to be a nurse and a homeschool mom, and continuing that life, and, after losing my late husband by suicide and struggling and attempting myself, my days are now spent with my business Hope Speaker to reach other people struggling with hope. Particularly, I coach Christian widows and I'm a speaker and author and a strong suicide prevention advocate. So that's what my world looks like and my days at the beginning of summer.

Rachel Powell: 2:49

Here I have five children in a blended family. I remarried a couple of years ago and so right now, the new normal is figuring out the summer routine, especially with little ones, and how to work and have time with them and have everyone at home all at the same time. You've got a lot going on there. Yep, it's a lot. Hands full of blessings, I like to say. I remind myself my hands are full of blessings.

Claire: 3:15

So before we move on to hope, which I know is a really subject that's close to both our hearts just tell us a bit about the chapter before that, because you haven't always been this amazing, hopeful person that was just born that way and life's been amazing. You've been through a lot of losses and griefs which have helped kind of lead you towards this path of hope.

Rachel Powell: 3:35

So tell us a bit about what your experience is, what kind of loss and grief you've had to face. You know, what's interesting about that is in these recent years of really digging into my own healing and doing therapy and coaching and things myself I have found. You know, I thought my life story was pretty normal and then tragedy when I lost my husband by suicide. But I think the more work that I do, the more that I uncover and realize other themes and parts of my story. I experienced abuse of different forms in my childhood and significant family dysfunction that created a lot of losses. You know, three of my four are my nieces and nephew biologically that I raised because we've had a lot of struggles within the family and so my sister's kids have always been with me and the family dynamics around that. There's a lot of beauty and redemption but there's a lot of struggle and heartache and losses really that have come along with all of those things. So there's been more to my story that I think I have just thought was normal. That really wasn't. I do the deeper work. I connect the things that I have worked through in trauma and loss with my late husband to really being connected in some of these themes before and not having a voice, not knowing the empowerment that I have now, as I've grown up, as I've dealt with my family of origin, even through some of the spiritual abuse that occurred in my marriage, as my late husband just spiraled downward, really became someone else in that last year of life, someone different than he had ever been, and navigating the dynamics of abuse within my marriage, which was totally uncharacteristic and bizarre, and also the very complicated piece of how that fit into our church background and how they sided with the husband as the head of house and encouraged me to submit and submit and really took his side as things were spiraling down and I was crying out for help. And we lost him by suicide in June of 2019. And so there's been a bunch of different pieces that have been part of my story and the dynamics, things that happened in that church after he passed away until I had the clarity and the courage to leave and find a new church home. So there's been different losses and woundings and things along the way, woundings and things along the way. But when I lost Andre by suicide as is common with suicide loss I struggled with a tremendous amount of guilt and shame, especially because he was so angry at me for beginning to set boundaries, as I was learning my voice and having my own counselor and having some clarity, despite what he and the pastors were saying at that time, I carried even more of feeling that it was my fault because there were some statements made that he directed blame my direction. And so, in the overwhelm of that, of the darkness of what he had been going through, this person that was incredible, that I loved with all of me.

Rachel Powell: 6:46

Andre and I grew up together. I mean we met at I think we were 16 or 17, maybe even 15, high school youth group. We married at 19, you know, really grew up together, went to university, through all of our schooling, through the raising of these children that we had not biologically but that entered this world and entered our home until we had our own biological one as well. She was a couple days away from being two when he passed. So in the aftermath I had these four children, still complicated family dynamics. We went into the pandemic.

Rachel Powell: 7:21

I really blamed myself for his loss.

Rachel Powell: 7:23

I continued to have struggles with the church, feeling that I had been out of line and questioning my character, even despite it being revealed how extreme things were and so I was in such a dark place that I also, even while being a strong suicide prevention advocate from the beginning, I also began to understand the other side of suicide and what it is to struggle with pain that feels unbearable and feeling like you can't keep going.

Rachel Powell: 7:53

And I ended up attempting twice in my own pain in those first years and struggled very intensely with hopelessness and with darkness. And so that is why hope and the redemption and rebuilding a life that it can love again is such a part of my heart, because I truly get rock bottom and I want people to know that they can rebuild a life that they can love again, and that there is always hope and is strong and real and raw as the struggle with suicide is. I believe, because I've experienced in our humanness there is also this unbelievable resilience, like a fight and a will to survive. I mean, people have endured some of the most unbelievable things. We know incredible stories and that, I believe, is in all of us, and it's even deeper than the deepest darkness, and so my story involves both.

Claire: 8:59

Gosh, there are so many losses there. I mean, on paper you can boil it down to the death of your husband and the obvious things. But then on this podcast, having looked at so many different ones, I know there's going to be a massive list of things there that you've lost, even including things like trust and all those kinds of things. Have you ever had to break down the sort of losses you've been through to deal with them, or have you dealt with your story sort of more as a whole?

Rachel Powell: 9:25

No, there's been a lot of work that's gone into that. So I have been involved in doing counseling. I started sometime after we were married and then off and on through the years, and that last year of his life and then when he passed away, I did counseling every single week for the first five years, I believe, and then went bi-weekly and, like I mentioned, got into coaching and things as well. So I have always been one. I'm like an Enneagram for a really deep feeler. I'm not afraid of the heart and the melancholy and the grief and I'm very much interested in growth and I don't necessarily agree with the terminology but what you might say is a self-help category at a bookstore or something.

Rachel Powell: 10:07

Because, continuing to expand my own mind and heart and see a little bit outside of the kind of binocular view, we can get this myopic view of our lives where we rely on the thoughts that we think and the feelings that we feel and take them as full truth and they create our reality and they're often, you know, not a real reflection of what's actually possible and true.

Rachel Powell: 10:32

And so that's been. A lot of my work is digging into my losses, my wounds, trying to bring appropriate healing to those wounded places and to grow my own mindset, to manage my own mind, my thoughts, my feelings that are creating my actions, that you know, therefore, my results and my reality. I'm always been very into that, especially in these years after losing him. So it's been part of the road. It's been messy and long and it's not done yet, and I'm okay with that. I don't ever want to stop growing and instead of reacting out of things that create who I am and how I respond to people, and just not even being aware of what that all is and where it's coming from, yeah, am I right in thinking that for the Enneagram 4, it's quite hard to get out of those emotions?

Rachel Powell: 11:22

Yes, so that's the good and the bad is I went right into the deep end of grief. I mean, I just like dove right off the diving board and went to the bottom. Yeah, so I didn't, you know, try to numb and check out. I wasn't about to deny the reality I was in or try to tuck what happened or Andre away somewhere. But one of the pitfalls, yeah, is getting stuck in it and that can contribute to those places of hopelessness and grief. And I really believe, through my own experience and through being connected with so many other grievers and particularly widows and the work that I do.

Rachel Powell: 12:01

Now, you know, in grief there is this I don't even know if I want to say a fine line, but there's this there's a gray area between being very authentic about our grief, which is so important, and I'm very again wanting to be authentic and honest and real type of person about our grief and what we experience and naming our losses and all those things being really valid. But also, where we can get so defensive about our own grief, we hold on to it and we get really angry at other people who don't understand and do the things that we've been through, and we can hold on to these again lie-based beliefs, limiting beliefs that like well, my life's just over, like maybe hope is available for other people but not me and what I've been through, or I don't even want to really find an abundant life again because I've lost this person or these things and now I'm just biding time until it's my time to go to. You know, I've connected with whatever these beliefs are and a lot of different people and realizing this grief space. It's so important to be validated and to find empathy. But if we set up camp to like, live in the valley of the shadow of death, I believe that grief also has a forward movement.

Rachel Powell: 13:23

It's not about moving on or disregarding things, but if we don't have the forward movement in our grief, then we just get stuck there. And so, yeah, that was definitely part of my battle and probably why I can relate to people who experience those things so deeply as well, because I've been there. I didn't just jump to hope and I'm like, okay, everybody come along. Like it's not, it's not that big of a deal. I get how heavy and how major these things are.

Claire: 13:52

Tell us a bit about what sort of hopelessness looked like for you. What does that feel like to be in that place of just extreme grief and not be able to see hope?

Rachel Powell: 13:59

For me. I was so overwhelmed, claire, I was just. I was still in shock about what had happened, again, blaming myself, navigating the struggles with people in the church. It gets even more complicated when the people that are kind of your lifeline and your support, was the community. I had to end up leaving Because then I felt even more bereft of everything and even more lost. It's like so much has changed. You lose relationships. I need the help. I'm overwhelmed to have these four children.

Rachel Powell: 14:30

We went into the COVID pandemic not long after you know the whole world just went inside, like themselves and their own households and their own toilet paper, and I'm like I'm drowned, you know, like you're drowning. So navigating all of those things just felt so heavy and overwhelming. I really struggled to find belief that life would ever be good again. The days felt so dark. The children were struggling with their own grief and with the four of them. And again, family dynamics I was still navigating, but now alone of them. And again, family dynamics I was still navigating, but now alone.

Rachel Powell: 15:05

My mind was dark. My thoughts and what I was speaking over my life and what I could see was all dark, a lot of pain, and I could actually feel it physically in my body. I mean there were times when I was really really low. I think one was before my first attempt. The older couple of kids must have been somewhere, because I remember the two little ones. I mean I like barely had the energy One day. I like took strawberries out of the fridge and I was like laying on the floor to like push some strawberries their direction unwashed, which again isn't like me. I'm like, oh, trying to do all the things and be the best mom. I was like didn't even have the energy. It was like here's some food, like I have to. I was just laying on the floor thinking about ways of taking my own life and I couldn't even get out of the thoughts. The physical weight of it, one of the things and I know people have different opinions about medications and things, just real, briefly on that and mental health, it's so complex there can't possibly be just a simple, single answer, because I do believe that a lot of our wounds and so for people it can be very valid to have medications that can help with that. But again, that's really not a forever solution because whatever is causing that is still not being treated right. We're still you're always addressing the symptom. The idea of anti-depression, anti-anxiety, of just trying to flip the symptom around when there's something deeper causing that that has to be addressed, is important. But in the same breath, I would say I found it so helpful.

Rachel Powell: 16:57

I really had to come to a place of humility. For whatever reason, I was very closed off to the thought of taking medication, which is interesting considering I'd been a registered nurse for years. Before I started my business. I was at the 14 years of being a nurse. So the irony of that, that, probably the pride I just I remember even saying to myself at one point I would rather take my life before I would take medication. And it's like, why, like, where does that come from? Again, like these things that had to be worked through. But when I finally did, you know it was like a little life preserver for a time when I could accept this isn't a forever thing, this is to help me in this storm, and that's okay.

Rachel Powell: 17:41

I have to say I literally felt that and you know you start with like half of this teeny tablet, the lowest dose. I didn't take any crazy doses of anything and I only had that one medication, but I used to go in my closet and I would feel the weight. I also. My mind was in a fog. I realized I couldn't figure out why I was being late all the time. Like you know, there's obviously a's obviously a lot going on with kids. But when I had the sense to again zoom out a little bit, I realized I was spending 20 minutes standing in my closet. I would go in there to get dressed and I couldn't decide what to wear, and not in a way that you're really thinking about it. I would space out and, like you know, be dissociate. I would stand in there and I felt this weight. That's why sometimes I would just be laying on the floor. After I put the kids to bed, I would lay on the floor in my closet. It was so heavy.

Rachel Powell: 18:32

And after I started that medication I felt that like for me it was the next day like it felt like about 50 pounds had been taken off of my shoulders. It was just like wow, that's like incredible to me. I'm a very active person. I lift weights. I know like what weights and things feel like. I'm like it is like a weight has lifted off of me. It didn't fix everything and again, I still ended up attempting. I mean I struggled but it was a help and so that's kind of what hopelessness and grief and darkness looked and felt like to me. It was mental, it was in what I could see, how I saw my life, the words I spoke about myself and my future, and very much physically what I was feeling because we carry it in our bodies.

Claire: 19:18

Definitely no. I totally understand that I've had some hormone issues and it's affected my mental health and it took me a long time to want to say that because I didn't really believe I guess I would be someone that would have that. You know I'm very, again, sympathetic to other people, totally believe. You know it's a big thing, a lot of people struggle with it. But I had no idea until I went through it what I actually thought about it and I kind of thought maybe that if you're strong enough you can beat those can't? Um, and it's very eye-opening. You just don't realize that stuff about yourself until you actually you actually get there.

Claire: 19:47

So you've got this situation with the hopelessness, and I think it's something that a lot of women especially I don't know if it's the same with men maybe you know they sort of fear this. I've heard friends talk about the fear of losing their partner, losing their husband, because it does feel like everything changes instantly. It's such a big loss. But you have reached a point now where you can say and talk about hope. So tell us how you got from that place of hopelessness to believing in hope and kind of being where you are today really.

Rachel Powell: 20:15

Well, for me it was not a switch or something that just changed. It was a battle. I mean, it was really a battle and I know people don't like to necessarily think of things that way or see our lives this way, but I think sometimes we're walking around in like slippers and a bath robe and we're like really confused and we're like floating down the river or something, and when all these terrible things happen or you like get hit with a bullet, you were like what is happening? Like we don't see the fact that this life is not vacation and easy. You know, I believe that we're in a battle. I believe, because of my faith, that there's a battle between light and darkness and all of those things Also spiritually, the darkness I didn't talk about that much, but it was a part of it. So it really was. It was a fight. You know, in my arm I have 2 Timothy 4, 7 tattooed. It was my late husband's handwriting. He had written this in a letter and it reminds me fight the good fight, finish the race, keep the faith. And I put that in front of me because that's really kind of what the road to hope was for me. It was fighting this good fight, believing again, believing that it was a good fight, that it was worth while, that there was goodness ahead of me. And to finish this race, to keep the faith in the midst of all of the things I really had to do, whatever it took for me to survive and I like I say that to people all the time I'm like you are worth whatever resource is needed, whatever time, whatever money, whatever effort and energy to stay alive and to heal, because I just was in this grind of like this is just how life is now. I'm busy, like I'm trying to keep myself and all these kids afloat, and there's all of these things and that's all valid and true, but we can use those things as excuses to keep us from the things that we really need to do to get out of these rising waters that are going to drown us, and we just kind of sit there until we're overcome even more and not make some of the changes that we need to make.

Rachel Powell: 22:29

So for me, mentally and my thoughts, I really I had a shift around suicidal thoughts and things. I talk about it in a few spaces, but it's what I like to call the black box of suicide. It's this place in our mind where that goes from. Something like I would never do you know, none of us is born in this world thinking like you're, like a kid, you love life, you know, you're full of zeal for that. It's like I would never oh my gosh, you hear something like that. Kids can't even understand. Like I would never do that. That's so sad in this place.

Rachel Powell: 23:04

Somehow, though, it goes from a shock and horrific thing to thoughts that you think about, to a possibility, to a solution, to my only way out, my only solution. It's in this place that that change happens in a person's mind and a person's being to bring them to that place, and I realized that any time I spent entertaining those thoughts, thinking about them, considering it, sitting in that deep, sad, really self-pity place of woe is me and my life is over and it's never going to be good again the same way. And he's gone and I, I, you know all of these things, um, in that box. It's like that's where that very steep slide is dug and like lubricated, and you think you can go in that space and come out again, like it's a compartment. I can think about these thoughts and entertain. Oh, okay, now I'm out and I'm living life and but that's how people both plan to die and plan to live at the same time. And it's confusing to everyone else who's left behind, because when you're triggered or in a place of something happening, you go into that box and you slide right down that slippery slope that you've dug for yourself, you and the enemy, and lubricated up and you don't have control anymore.

Rachel Powell: 24:25

So, managing my mind and my thoughts and really coming to a place again, a battle mindset of like, when these thoughts knock at the door, you know the hopeless things, the anything about suicide, considering that, thinking about ways, thinking about how this isn't worth it or it would be better, or I'm a burden to people or any of it, to take that thought captive and rebuke that like I'm going to dispute and challenge and wage war on these thoughts instead of what I could do, which is taking it like a blanket over myself and laying down in the fetal position and just being like, oh yep, it's so bad and it's so hard. I really had to have a warrior mindset in my own mind because I was in danger by myself and so in my mind, my life making really hard changes, like I said. I mean we had been part of that church for I think about 15 years at that point and when some of these things continued to go on, that were just wrong, the things that my husband in his sickness, the anger and the blame toward me and my boundaries and how I was unsubmissive, and they just kind of took up the same words and the same mindset and carried it forward with me, treating me that way and being concerned about my character and pulling me from worship and all of these things after he had passed away and it was like it was a place that was making me really sick and keeping me in a dark place to have that over my head and continued blame and suspicion and the assumption of bad motives when I was like trying to survive and trying to get us help. So making those changes was something to the really hard changes when that had been our community, that that was our support system. You know it was.

Rachel Powell: 26:21

It was a really brave, significant thing in the COVID pandemic for me to take my kids when we all had to have masks, including the little one who was what like two at that point keep this mask on, manage them and their behaviors and their fighting and their grief and go to a new church all by myself and sit with masks in the pews and try to see what I could see of other churches in a time where every church looked different was trying to figure things out and really the biggest thing of all I think I mean there's mental things, there's tangible things.

Rachel Powell: 26:55

We moved houses. I needed a healing space, like there's practical things about it, but for me the crux of moving into hope came from this empowerment from God, because so long I had spent in this victim and hopeless and voiceless place that even in that, like trusting the Lord to lead me to another church, like I'm not wrong, I'm not being bad, I'm not just this unsubmissive woman and this disgruntled person Like the Lord can empower me as a woman, as a widow, to be the head of my house. He has now, like I can do this with him. He's leading me, he can speak to me, I can hear from him. You know he can lead me in all of these things and what that, in this battle with my mind, in this whole thing of moving houses during that time and the market was crazy and again I was like I don't know anything about this Andre did all of these things, and the Lord is like no daughter. Here's your voice. I invite you to speak. Here is my power in you, I'm guiding you, I am with you. We're doing this together, you don't have to be afraid.

Rachel Powell: 28:08

So with the Lord, that was just a huge piece for me of rebuilding my life and into hope, because if it had been dependent on having to have a man speak all the things over me, or what they thought of me, or having a husband versus not all of these things that had been taken from me and lost, then I was powerless and voiceless and hopeless. But that's not where the Lord has us, that's not His words, it's not His truth, that's not the kingdom that he gives to His daughters. And so, really, the revolutionization that happened in my faith was the foundation to all of the other areas that I needed to battle to move out of that pit and to receive this place of hope, to be open to the possibilities that were ahead was there like a moment that you can pinpoint where that hope journey started, or was it just so gradual that it just sort of suddenly became part of what you were doing?

Rachel Powell: 29:03

I. I think for me it was both. There was a daily battle and that's the hard part about whatever loss we've experienced. Right, it's like, oh, it's the same way tomorrow, after the year mark of losing my husband I don't know why, I thought it was going to get easier or something. It's like I've got to the anniversary of this and of his birthday and of this and you get to the next year and you're like, oh crap, I have to just do that all again, like that was just the first year.

Rachel Powell: 29:32

So there is this ongoing daily journey is ordinary human life grind, but infused into that was all of these shifts that were happening as I changed my thoughts and my feelings and my actions. But also the Lord gave me some very specific things even related to Hope, speaker, and what I'm doing now that were not my own. I was not in a state of mind to even be thinking about hope or my future, because he gave me a vision. I spent a lot of time at the place where my late husband died and initially it was again just a real, honest, raw, authentic way that I grieved. I wasn't afraid to look at it. I'm like this is where this happened. I needed to process that and I looked it right in the face. But it also became a dangerous place for me as I became lower and lower and struggled with being suicidal. And so on the weekends I would have some help from grandparents with the kids, and there was a time they were all gone for an overnight. So I did what Andre did I walked barefoot the miles from our home to where he had passed away, did I walked barefoot the miles from our home to where he had passed away and I laid out on the rocks. It really was dangerous. It's not smart to be out there in the middle of the night as a female by yourself, but I was just in this place of grief and I was laying on the rocks. I was out there where he had passed away.

Rachel Powell: 31:00

I think it was like at three in the morning at this point and again I wasn't sure if I was going to. This was not one of my attempts, but I was in that place of like I'm not sure I want to go home, you know, like I don't know. I don't know what's going to happen. And right in the middle of that darkness, the Lord gave me this vision and I was standing on this stage and I don't know how to describe it with like English words, but I was speaking hope. It was so clear that I was speaking hope.

Rachel Powell: 31:32

And as I looked, you know, as I saw myself and looked out from the stage to who I was talking to, there was all of these people, like lying in their own dark space, like I was, like where I was. There was all of these people who were there and he told me you know, he said you have to keep going Like, you have to keep living, you have to show them how. And you know, that night that saved me. I got up and I walked home and it was something I held on to and something he continued to give more clarity to and bring things to life as I went.

Rachel Powell: 32:07

So I know that he called me to something to help other people, and I have to keep going back to that whenever I struggle or in the whole myriad of other things that have been thrown at me since that time, because it's not like, oh, it just got easy and yeah, and everything's good now, like there's been a lot of challenges. Even we were talking a little before the podcast recording about our health and the six surgeries I've had and with complications and re-hospitalizations from my health issues and in all of the distress and illness. Since widowhood which you know research shows is very common in these things it's not been easy. Blending families, remarrying and blending families beautiful, redemptive, joyful thing and so freaking hard Like I, those of us who have been in those places understand to the rest of the world it's like, oh, she was a widow and you know you have people rooting for.

Rachel Powell: 33:05

And they're like, oh, it's just so sad and oh, you've met somebody and oh, I'm so happy for you. Like the story, like the problem solved you know they wanted a happy ending and for it to be over and it's like, oh man, this whole journey of remarriage and blending families and how we navigate grief with one another and he came from states away, moved here for me, you know, his child came as well, and everybody figuring out who they are to one another. Even in the redemptions of those things, what landed us in remarriage and blending was loss. There wouldn't be remarriage and blending if there hadn't first been brokenness.

Rachel Powell: 33:43

Right, that he was never married and how that affected his child and my nieces and nephews that are mine and never knowing their dad, and what they've experienced with my sister and family, and then what they lost in their uncle daddy, my late husband. There's just so many pieces and parts to all of that that is not just a cakewalk, and so I continue to hold on to the calling and the visions and the things that he's given me ahead. When I doubt, um, or when things get hard, because we're still fighting the good fight and finishing the race and keeping the faith and that's that's what we do oh you're doing so well, because that is a battle you can hear.

Claire: 34:23

I mean, there's just so much you've taken on and been through in such a short period of time in such a young life that it's truly amazing. And that's why it's lovely to speak to people like you, because it's so important, like you already know, to show people that there is hope in these situations. It's you know. It's just so sad to think that people get into those black boxes and some of them don't come out again and it's terrifying to think that that's the situation. People are sitting there thinking that they're you know they're alone, there is no hope. It just breaks my heart. So I just really want people to hear stories like this, to say that you know it wasn't easy. And that's the best bit about your stories, I think, is that you're very honest. This hasn't been an easy journey. I didn't just get hope overnight and suddenly I feel amazing. It's been really difficult.

Claire: 35:04

But a large part of what you talk about is your faith and I'm heartbroken again that you've had such issues with the church. But it's amazing testament to your faith that it survived that, because that would have put a lot of people off God, not just the church. So you talk a lot to Christian women, which makes sense because you connect with that faith element and this is how we can use our faith and this is where our hope is based. Really, how do you get your message, or how would you spin your message for people who haven't got a faith, because that can be really difficult when your hope is so interlinked and that's something that's really been an anchor for you. How do you do that?

Rachel Powell: 35:36

yeah. So I guess what I would offer is this even if we don't share the commonality of what we believe happens beyond this life, it's such an important thing to me because whatever we all do here on this good fight and this journey, it's oh so temporary. It doesn't feel that way always, but considering what is beyond, but regardless of what we may or may not share in that element, I think the common offering of hope that I would give to believe. Like you know, you have circumstances. It's like the head overarching. You can't control those things. None of us can.

Rachel Powell: 36:35

But the most powerful thing is that, even when people or things are taking your power from you, you still have it. I don't know if you ever heard the phrase that life is 10% what happens to you and 90% what you do with it, or the fact that, because we can't control any of these other things, what we decide to do with it is everything, and that's really like. That's the power of coaching, that is the power of owning our own mind and our thoughts. Again, our thoughts and our feelings lead to our actions and our repeated actions. Our habits create our lives. That's what creates our results. It creates where we're at, and so, even if we don't share the common belief in what happens when we pass away or about God, so much of our journey can be infused with hope if we are willing to let go and dispute, like I said, dispute and challenge these thoughts that don't that are lacking, limiting or based in lies. If we just accept everything we're like no, because I really think this and I really feel this strong, and that's it, and we take it like that blanket over ourselves and lay down under it. You know, if we're willing to consider, who would I be without that thought? What would life look like if that weren't true? Am I willing to consider that?

Rachel Powell: 37:58

And if we're open, I believe so strongly that so much of the foundation of rebuilding and of rebuilding like resilience, you know, post-traumatic growth, all of these different ways that we can talk about bringing hope and life back into darkness and death the foundation of that is your willingness to be open to those possibilities. Because if you are closed down and you think I already know where it's going, I already know what my life looks like, I already know and this is all there is and this is what I have and, like I said, maybe for other people, but not for me, and you'll never see those things right. You've closed all the doors. So being open to hope is being open to all of the possibilities and the abundance and the goodness that's still here in this life that are ahead of us. Because they're there.

Rachel Powell: 38:52

We may not be willing to look at it, we may not be willing to believe in it and therefore we won't receive it, but it didn't mean it wasn't a possibility for you, and so I would encourage people, whatever they've been through, whatever they're going through, whatever is going to be ahead, there is still goodness ahead. Like our story is not over yet, we're going to see more of the Lord's goodness here as we live. You know, whether that's where we see it coming from or not. There's so much still ahead and today's reality is not your forever reality.

Claire: 39:30

What would you say to someone? I hear people say this sometimes and it's a sort of a oh, I could never go through that. I couldn't survive what you've survived. It seems like a common phrase. What do you have to say to people who are in that mindset?

Rachel Powell: 39:42

I couldn't either. Clearly, I mean, if it hadn't been for the Lord's intervention, I wouldn't be here, and I can't explain or answer why that happened for me and not for Andre. Like that goes into a whole nother set of why am I still here and he wasn't? But I would say, yeah, none of us. You know in biblical terms, it talks about us receiving grace when it's needed. He gives us grace for whatever we're in and we haven't received all of that future grace yet because we're not there. So, yeah, it's like he carries us and gives us what we need when we're there and we don't have it yet. It's unimaginable and for all of us who have been through something challenging, which is really every human on the planet, when you're in those tragedies, wounds, heartaches, hard times, you feel like I can't and don't want to do this. So it's not about whether, again, our thoughts, whether we think we could or think we couldn't, if we this or that or the other. It's believing that where we are right now, what we've been through, whatever we will go through, we're going to have the grace we need to fight that good fight, to finish that race, to keep the faith through what we experience and relying on the Lord, something outside of me and my limited human abilities and capabilities, because I am not able to carry the weight of the world and things are overwhelming to me. But those things are also where we experience what I was talking about earlier. I think the depth of the human resilience and the spirit and the will to survive. I mean that is just so profound.

Rachel Powell: 41:28

Some of these stories of what people have gone through and endured and suffered and like they just kept fighting to get through it and survive, and we're like we watch movies and we read books and we're like, how would they? And it's like, well, they're really just like you and survive. And we're like we watch movies and we read books and we're like, how would they? And it was like, well, they're really just like you and me.

Rachel Powell: 41:44

And they had to keep fighting for that multiple times a day, every minute, in some of these horrible, horrific things. They kept choosing it, they kept fighting for it and that possibility again is available for all of us too. So, yeah, wherever we are going to find ourselves in our stories, beyond things that we can even understand, somehow that grace is still available and offered. And we see dimly now, we see through fog, but the Bible says we're going to see clearly one day. Spiritual eyes are going to be. It's going to be mind blowing when we can really get above the fog and the thick of all of what we're experiencing here. But there's so much more to it than our limited perspective and it's so worthwhile to keep going.

Claire: 42:34

Do you ever think that? Or do you come across people that find that the idea of adopting hope might give the impression that they've kind of got over it, that people think I need to get over the grief before I find the hope stage. Is that something you come across much?

Rachel Powell: 42:47

Yeah, yeah, and I relate to that in my deep feeling. Yeah, because I love Andre so much, I didn't want people to think I, in a sense, could ever just live life without him. I mean, that was really the theme behind my first attempt. I was angry at God. I wrote him a letter and I was like, if you think that I can just like I'm just going to get over this and move on and live life without him like he wasn't that important to me, then maybe I loved him more than you did and screw you. And if I should just be able to get over him, then everybody else can get over me. Like that was like. That was like some of the deep raw of where I was, you know, in my first attempt. So I can very much relate to that sentiment.

Rachel Powell: 43:34

However, one thing that I have learned and experienced as I've gone forward in grief is that, again, a lot of those beliefs are lie-based. Where I thought sitting in pain and hopelessness was honoring to him, that continuing to suffer and grieve with pain, like I believe suffering is pain without hope is pain without hope, and so I believe that experiencing that loss and displaying that loss that way was a way that I honored Him or showed that I loved Him or that I loved Him in and of myself. When those things are, you know, that's not true, that's not love. Me giving up and rolling over and dying and having filled with hate and anger toward the Lord and the despair of life and just ending it after him is not, you know. I don't think in the depths of our souls we really grasp that and be like, oh, that was such deep love, because we know love to be unconditional and sacrificial and this, all these other beautiful things. And so you know, what does it mean to love them and honor them and remember them? It's not to give up all hope and light. We carry them forward with us. We build a life not hiding and numbing and avoiding that reality, but we incorporate those losses into the life that we build.

Rachel Powell: 44:59

And I still get to talk about Andre and what he means to me and the kind of person that he was, and honor and remember and love him, and I do that through living an abundant life still and by still going, and so some of those feelings and thoughts can really be rooted in things that are not true. We have these definitions of what that means to love people and honor them and to grieve, and I just don't, I no longer subscribe to the belief that that comes through more suffering upon ourselves and that's really what's honoring them. You know, another thing the Lord really gave me as a gift I won't go into all of the details, but of having some clarity about Andre and where he is now and who he is. I mean, it was most incredible thing he is. He was sobered, like he saw what he did, without all of the shroud and all of the chains and all of the blame and all of the anger, but he was completely forgiven and in the Lord's presence and somehow he could look at what he had left behind and all the things that we had ahead and look at us, all the things that we had ahead, and look at us and still have peace and comfort, knowing God was going to take care of us. And I remember thinking, if he can look at my life with hope, then I can Like, if he can look down and see all of this stuff very real and soberly and still know like the Lord has got you and there is so much ahead, I'm like then I can, if he can look at it that way, seeing and knowing everything and with the choices that were made, like surely I can. So we love and grieve and I think finding people who can be empathetic and who can companion us in grief is really vital. I mean we didn't talk about that much, but it's really really important to have safe people that you can truly be yourself and grieve with and not find those grief communities I was talking about where you just anchor in.

Rachel Powell: 47:14

These beliefs that we have of this is not fair. You know, all of these different things that we hold to again, that are really mindset things that are shaping our entire lives, this is not fair. I should never lose a spouse, parents should never die before their children, all you know all of these things that it's like, oh, yeah, that feels and seems so true and I can just hold on to that, and oh about my life and where I'm at, and it's like again, where would I be without that thought? Is that really true? Where does that lead you to?

Rachel Powell: 47:48

What would happen if we were willing to open our hands a little bit, to surrender some of these thoughts and feelings that aren't really rooted in reality, that are really hard to let go? Aren't really rooted in reality that are really hard to let go. So we can do both have people come alongside and have times of real. I still have times and moments I'm like, okay, I need to grieve this. This is hitting me hard and now I know who my safe people are to go to and being open and connected with other people who aren't just going to defend grief and defend how miserable our lives are now and not see widowhood as a curse but as a calling and um that it changes everything. I think both are. Both are important if we're open to that forward movement of grief.

Claire: 48:35

Both are there yeah, and, like you said, so, so important to have the right people around that can help you and give you the freedom to do that and not sort of pull you in another direction. Looking forward to the future, how do you feel now about things? Because it could be very easy for you to fear going through the same loss again, having remarried. So what does that look like? And how does that marry up with hope? It's funny.

Rachel Powell: 48:59

I found a meme back in my early widowhood and again it's not a true thing but it's a humorous. It was like a stick figure trying to build a card tower and they're like about to lay those top two together and it says me trying to find happiness again in my life. And then there was another stick figure like swinging on this demolition ball that says life circumstances you know, like about to come in and wreck everything that you just have built again. And I remember just like resonating with how I was like because, yeah, when you experience pain, sometimes the deeper it is, the more you realize how out of control, like you don't have control over these things. And so that again I found peace in, and only in, a posture of surrender. It is very scary. Like I've had that thought again like, oh my gosh, I've married Mike, I have this wonderful person, and I have this very, very real realization that creeps up into my mind at different times, like laying there with my head on his chest and hearing his heart beating, like I remember that with Andre right, your heart beating and your heart beating. And I remember, a decade ago or more, being like, oh my gosh, one day, like Andre's heart is going to stop beating. I don't know if mine will first, but like we're not always going to be here like this, and that was so like hard, so hard to even grasp, and how, even more. Now I'm like, uh, you know, like yeah, it's scary, but again, if I have a posture of surrender with my hands open about this, this life and what the Lord has, it allows that realization of tragedy and loss and how I don't have control and really the reality of death whereby every one of us is slowly has everything siphoned from us other people, our health, our belongings. I mean, if you're depending on where you fall, in line with everybody you're going to, everybody loses everything. And that is where I find the foundational hope of Jesus Christ as the resurrection, because I'm not afraid to look at the reality of death and I have also seen and experienced what a resurrection hope is under the rubble, when my whole life is blown up and it's like you're sifting through pieces and brokenness and somehow there's still this foundation of hope. That's where I found the deepest hope of what cannot be taken from me, what I cannot lose. And if I am surrendered in a posture of surrender, then even as I lose people and things and have these health struggles and the stuff that is so valid and so sucky and so hard, it can transform that moment Like with me laying on Mike's chest and hearing his heart from panic and fear to like I'm going to lose this and I'm going to and it's all going to end and to being able to soak in the joys and the abundance of this moment, of this day. That's all that I have. I can get all caught up in whatever, but I'm like, I can enjoy, like man. I'm so thankful to have you. I am going to absorb the gratitude is just emanating from me and I'm going to absorb the love and the joy that I feel in this moment of being with you because I have you right now and this moment with my kids.

Rachel Powell: 52:31

The toothpaste in the sink I was thinking of this the other day. I'm like, oh my gosh, does it clean all of the spit and toothpaste in this sink? Again, like this grimy thing that we've talked about. And you have the realization like they're not always going to be here. You know, hopefully not passing away oh my gosh, hopefully, but I mean again or them moving out.

Rachel Powell: 52:51

But I'm like, okay, I'm going to look at this toothpaste in the sink different, because one day the sink's going to be clean and it's going to be quiet around here, and so for today, and there'll be other things for me to find, to enjoy that day and that day, and in the peace and in the rest and in the whatever else. But, like these things, if we're in a posture of surrender the reality, looking at it honestly, allow us to live our life here and our days and our moments, I believe, so much more fully and with gratitude and with hope, because we're really present and honest and looking at reality enough to soak it all in and absorb it, instead of living in avoiding and denial or with blinders on and not even realizing what we're seeing, so we're missing it. So that's, that's what I would say.

Claire: 53:42

The older I get and the more I do on the podcast, the more I see the value in the biblical idea of like, only just worrying about today, like, don't look at tomorrow. There's enough trouble in each day and I think, yeah, so much of our worry, our anxiety, our frustration is when we project into the future. What if this happens? What if that happens? What is this?

Claire: 54:04

But just to be able to live in the day and I think that's a perfect example of what you're saying just you know, feeling that gratitude for the day and what you have now. It's huge, not easy, you know. Like you said, it's a massive mindset change and you've really got to work at that sometimes. But if you can get there, what an amazing way to feel. For anyone before I ask the tour question for anyone that might be out there that's just like, oh, I want to be where she is. Like I've been in the bad bit and I feel like I'm still there. What would you say is like a good first step towards trying to just find a bit more hope.

Rachel Powell: 54:31

I would suggest that they examine their own openness to that possibility and an open posture Again, open hands of surrender too, but an openness to receiving can really make a huge difference because from that posture any of the actions and things we take will have a place to land. We will be more likely to be drawn to the things that are going to help bring deeper healing and rebuilding. I mean, there's a million things that I could say. I think having safe people who really can companion you is critical. I think that bringing healing to our wounds where we need it whether that's through counseling, therapy, other modalities, coaching can be tremendously helpful.

Rachel Powell: 55:20

But it all starts really with an openness to examine our own mind and our own thoughts and be willing to receive that. There is an abundant hope-filled future ahead of me. There is still goodness ahead of me. Whatever that looks like, I'm going to be open to that. Even and hopefully, if it is a life full of these moments of deep gratitude, right wherever I lay my head, man, a life that's built on days that are that over and over again, that is a life worth living.

Claire: 55:52

Brilliant. Thank you so much for sharing everything and for fighting the fight that you're fighting as well, because if people like you didn't go through this and then fight and talk about hope, then you know the world would be a much darker place. So thank you for fighting that fight to help others, because I think that's so important. So for my last question about my metaphorical toolshed, if hope was a tool to help people in their grief or get through grief, or maybe even prepare for grief, I don't know what kind of tool do you think it would be?

Rachel Powell: 56:19

Okay, so I may be off on this question. You might have to go give me the buzzer and be like that doesn't count, but this is really what I think. I think it might not be a traditional tool, but in the idea of a garden tool shed, I think if you went in there for your garden, hope would be the bag of miracle grow plant. It is what, what you are going to put your do the work of tilling into the soil of where you live and breathe and what you think, and and so, whatever the outside circumstances are whether the rain or sunshine or elements are all cooperating with being ideal or not that's going to feed, feed growth right from the roots up. I think it just it is like infusing hope into our lives is really what makes us grow and not stay stagnant and stuck and withering away. So that would be my thought.

Claire: 57:15

Miracle grow Amazing. I think we can all agree that now and then we need a little miracle to keep us going. Sometimes we all want more than just surviving in life. We want to thrive, and I often wish there was a Miracle-Gro tablet that I could take for that very feeling. But for now, I'm thrilled to add this new addition to my ever-growing metaphorical shed, which is filling up with so many meaningful and unexpected treasures. If you want to find out more about Rachel, head over to www. hopespeaker. com, and she's also shared a link with me to resources on her website, including a newly widowed checklist for navigating the financial, practical, emotional and relational challenges after loss and a selection of prayers for widows, both written and in audio format, so you can listen and reflect as needed. These and all her other hope resources can be found in the link in the show notes. Rachel, thank you so much for this conversation. I know it will be a huge blessing to so many people and I'm so grateful that you've chosen to turn your pain into purpose, helping others find hope through their own grief. If you'd like to find out more about me and my husband, Chris, and our story of infertility, childlessness or anything else that we do, including my handmade grief companions that you can buy. Hermans. Visit www. thesilentwhy. com.

Claire: 58:25

This podcast remains ad-free thanks to the generous support of some wonderful listeners. If you'd like to help keep it running, you can treat me to a fancy tea at www. buymeacoffee. com/ thesilentwhy either as a one-off or through monthly support. And, of course, another way to support the podcast is buying a Herman. These are small crocheted grief companions that I make by hand. They're a lasting and personal alternative to flowers, a comforting gift for someone who's experiencing loss or in a gentle way if you just want to show someone you care because words are falling short. You can find out more about that at www. thehermancompany. com. As always, all the links will be in the show notes. Thank you for listening and, wherever you are today, I hope something in this episode helps you grow a little bit more hope of your own. If you've got a subject you'd like me to chat to an expert on, please get in touch via our social media or the website, or via email, thesilentwhy@ gmail. com, and let's chat.