BLOG: My Why: How to build mental muscles when you’re feeling weak

#128. Did you know you can build mental muscles, as well as physical ones? And that you can start that any time - no matter how weak you might feel?

Welcome to another My Why from Claire Sandys (co-host of The Silent Why podcast). My Why episodes are audio versions of my latest blog post.

If you'd prefer to read it, you can find it here: https://www.thesilentwhy.com/post/how-to-build-mental-muscles-when-you-re-feeling-weak

Flexing your mental muscles is like training your body - it takes time and consistency. But once you start, they grow stronger and more reliable.  In this episode, I’m sharing the tips and tools that helped me through tough times, including practical ways to stay grounded and protect your sanity and your relationships.

Think of this as a mental workout: exercises to support you when your mind feels hormonal/confused/frustrated/depressed/griefy [you fill in the gap].

If you’re aware that you’re not always your best self - snapping at loved ones, stuck in negative thought spirals, or simply struggling to cope with your own mind - this episode is for you.
(And if you’re supporting someone who’s feeling that way, it might help you too.)

For more on the Amiko Cards I mention: https://www.littlechallenges.com/store 

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Mental Muscles
• 5:39 Tip 1: Stop the Thought Spiral
• 13:11 Tip 2: Close Your Mouth
• 19:26 Tip 3: Open Your Mouth
• 24:27 Tip 4: Be Kind to Yourself
• 31:00 Tip 5: Don't Lose Hope

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:02

Hello, I'm Claire and welcome to the Silent why podcast and another audio version of the blogs I write around grief, loss and hope how to build mental muscles when you're feeling weak. It's been way too long since I wrote a blog for the podcast and the website and I'm super happy to be putting this one out today. There's been a whole load of reasons why I haven't done one of these for a while, but it's not because I don't love doing them, it's just that my health and not having the here comes the new word that annoys my husband bandwidth to do them has prevented me from the clear brain that I need to write new things. I heard someone use the word bandwidth a little while back. I have no idea who it was, but I instantly connected with it. I really don't like saying I can't do things or giving excuses or trying to explain why that's going to be hard for me, but saying I don't have the bandwidth just sums it up really well. I didn't even know that the definition for it is the energy or mental capacity to deal with something. I thought it was just a Wi-Fi thing, but it makes a lot of sense because some days I'm like an old dial-up internet connection. It takes me a while to connect, I make a lot of strange noises in the process, and once I'm connected I can only do one thing at a time or else I crash the system. Other days I'm like a fibre optic connection and I can do multiple things super fast, while planning ahead, taking everything in my stride and generally feeling like I'm winning at life. They're a little bit rare at the moment, so that's my new word for assessing what I can take on whether I have the bandwidth that day. As we all know, the internet can be unreliable, so you never really know from one day to the next what the situation's going to be.

Speaker 1: 1:39

Anyway, I thought I'd write a blog to share a few of the tips and tricks that I've learnt over the last few years about how to build mental muscles, especially at a time when you're feeling particularly weak in that area. Now, I'm not saying these are things that will work for everybody. Everyone's mental health is dictated by different circumstances. But I am saying that I've been to some very dark, horrible, heart-shattering places with my mental health and these are the things that have helped me survive. I think they'll be helpful for any women struggling with hormones or mood changes, but I also think they're great tips for those struggling with mental health in other ways too. They're just good all-rounder tips for all of us.

Speaker 1: 2:11

But flexing mental muscles is like flexing physical ones it's a workout. It takes time to build these muscles, but once you start using them and they strengthen, they'll be there when you need them and then you'll be way stronger than you were at the start. So see this as a mental workout of exercises to help you when your brain is hormonal, confused, frustrated, depressed, griefy. You fill in the gap and, as we all know, no exercise is really that fun or easy at the start. It takes the desire to reach the end goal to keep you going. It's hard work. It's not ever everyone's first choice of activity, but it is totally worth it and, as with any new exercise, don't expect to be great at it from the beginning.

Speaker 1: 2:51

The last podcast interview we put out on our mission to find 101 different types of loss was loss 62, loss of menopause, and the next loss episode is about the losses involved with having a chronic illness. So I thought I'd put out a blog to sort of tie these together and share some of the things I've learned and self-cultivated over the years about how to keep and retain your sanity and relationships with those around you when your mental health is taking a hit. A lot of this started for me in 2016 when I started to feel off Not really myself Tired, angry, very easily frustrated, overwhelmed and anxious. These weren't really feelings I'd struggled with before. Nearly ten years later, I suspect that what started it then and took years to diagnose was a combination of endometriosis, pmdd and extreme sensitivity to hormone fluctuations, ibs and low B12, and possibly perimenopause, kicking it all off in my early 30s. But I'm never going to fully know. What I do know is that many years later, after a hysterectomy in my late 30s to control the PMDD, I am left with still trying to balance hormones and a whole lot of experience that I did not want in having to manage a brain that doesn't work the way I want it to all the time and, like a lot of things that affect mental health, most of what I've been through is a hidden kind of pain, grief and illness. You can't see physically what I'm coping with. The only physical proof would be the tiny scars on my stomach from surgery and from where they currently insert oestrogen implants every few months.

Speaker 1: 4:17

What started for me in 2016, and only got worse, was a journey through mental health fluctuations that hit me very hard. This was very unexpected, confusing, and not something I even recognised or admitted to for many years, even now still in it at times, but largely on the other side of the worst of it. It's not easy for me to say that that's what I struggle with. I have always been a strong, super organised, capable person, so facing this has probably been the biggest challenge I've ever had to face, for me personally and in our marriage. It's easy to ignore, scoff or even have sympathy with mental illness in others, but when it hits you, that's when you really find out what you think about it.

Speaker 1: 4:54

For a long time, I was unable to control my mind and my moods as I wanted to, but I always felt determined to find a way to control it. I just couldn't understand why my own moods and brain function was suddenly outside of my control. Then, the constant battle to fix it and failing only made it worse. I don't know if, at the time, I believed your own mind and thoughts could be outside of your own control, so therefore I must be able to do something to sort it. This just made me bitter, embarrassed, ashamed, second-guessing life and generally frustrated with everyone and everything, including me. So I had to learn a lot of coping strategies over the years, and I feel now is a good time to share them with those of you that might also be struggling or might be helping others that are struggling, or for you to know about, in case you ever reach this point yourself.

Speaker 1: 5:41

In JK Rowling's Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, harry says to Dumbledore is this all real or is it just happening inside my head? And Dumbledore replies of course it's happening inside your head, harry. Why should that mean it's not real? These are real issues. Even if it's just your head making more of something than it should. That is a very real thing to the person going through it and we need to find ways to help us deal with this. Now, of course, there are times when you'll feel beyond doing anything at all, but I've found that if you build these muscles up, then over time, even in those times, the muscles you've worked will be strong enough to help you in some small way, even when things are feeling very bleak. This is not a fix-it for mental health issues. They're just things that have helped me when I'm struggling and I know could help a lot of other people too, and I'm going to be tailoring these to my experience, which is how I managed on my own or with my husband. So if you're not married or you have children or you're in a different situation, then just substitute what I refer to with him to anyone that might be around you and that could be friends, colleagues or family. So here are my five top tips for coping in mental slumps, each with a practical tip to help you execute them and a physical exercise for you.

Speaker 1: 6:54

To liken it to Tip one stop the spiral. When your mind becomes dark, foggy and even a bit evil. Yes, you know you've wanted to stab your husband or colleague for chewing the wrong way. There is the strong temptation to allow it to spiral. It's like going on YouTube and falling down the rabbit hole. You went on there to find out how to fix your fence and now you're watching a video of a man who's befriended a cabbage. The same thing happens with your mind. You have the thought that you're not good enough and before you know it, you've convinced yourself your husband is having an affair or your mother never wanted you from birth. This is never a healthy use of your time or energy. And if you're honest, you know when you're doing it, because you're probably weighed down by anger, depression, melancholy or sadness at the same time.

Speaker 1: 7:40

Tony Robbins said your mind is a tool you must use. If you don't take control of your mind, it will control you. Your thoughts can either build you up or break you down. This exercise is going to be a kind of bat it out of the park type thing I think that's a sporty phrase for a sport. Somewhere you need to grab your big old metaphorical bat. That's very important, because holding a real bat at a time like this is a very bad idea and you need to whack those thoughts to where the sun sets.

Speaker 1: 8:09

And this is not an easy or a relaxing task. In fact it's exhausting. I know it's easier said than done. I've been there and some days this feels almost impossible to do because they're coming at me so fast. But don't give up, because the stronger those muscles get, the more you'll find you can control it or ignore it more than you think. For example, if my brain is telling me I'm a waste of oxygen, I don't have anything to show for my life, all my dreams have been crushed and no one loves me or sees me for who I really am. No one's listening to my podcast. They're all laughing at me. I'll never amount to anything. It's too late for me to do anything useful in this world and I'm probably fat. Now I have a couple of choices.

Speaker 1: 8:45

Option A listen to the voice, start to believe it, which will inevitably turn outwards on those around me eventually. Look at my husband. He doesn't have to deal with all this crap. He never helps me. He doesn't understand what I'm going through. He hasn't even noticed I've been crying. I bet he doesn't fancy me anymore. Listen to this voice and when said husband appears, probably in an annoying way, doing something wrong and making noises that nobody wants to hear, then I'll give him what for why shouldn't I tell him how horrible he is, how I regret marrying him, how he doesn't love me, how he doesn't understand, in this instance, what might be? A seemingly unaware husband has just walked into an unprovoked attack. How would we like that if he did that to us without warning, calling into question our very relationship? It's hurtful and you'll either get hate spewed back at you or you'll have hurt the person you love the most. Either way, no happy ending is coming here.

Speaker 1: 9:34

Shannon L Alder said Feelings are something you have, not something you are. Don't let yourself become your dark feelings. They're not always right and they can really lead you astray. You can have control over them or there's option B Listen to the voice, because there's no easy way to ignore it, especially early on, but refute the thoughts with things that you know but might not feel.

Speaker 1: 9:55

Get your bat. Every time you whack a nasty thought away from you, shout something you know to be true. These are your wacky truths. For example thought You're not worthy of a place on this earth. Look at you. What a failure. Wacky truth I am worthy, everyone is and I'm not failing. I'm surviving Like a badass menopausal woman who's losing her hair a bit. Thought your husband is going to find someone far more interesting and attractive than you. Wacky truth my husband loves me and we are going to get through this. More interesting and attractive than you. Wacky truth my husband loves me and we are going to get through this together. Thought You'll never be like all those people you see on social media. They're winning at life. Wacky truth Winning is not defined by what your social media looks like. I'm winning just whacking this thought away. Thought You're the fattest you've ever been. Wacky truth I'm a normal weight for a menopausal woman who's struggling with her mental health and I ate some fruit yesterday instead of chocolate.

Speaker 1: 10:52

Tell your brain the truth of the situation. If you know deep down that this isn't the real you they're not thoughts you usually have then tell yourself that Maybe the whole world feels dark and scary, but don't let yourself believe it. The world is full of hope and good things, even if you can't see or feel any of them right now. Practical tip it's very likely you will have reoccurring themes and thoughts in dark times and they'll be different for all of us. So when you have a better day, find the anecdotes to those and write them down. Then, when you're struggling with these thoughts, read the truth out and even if you don't believe it right then, stop those thoughts from spiralling any further. If you struggle with assuming you're unloved but people are telling you they love you, write that down I am loved by.

Speaker 1: 11:43

If you feel that your life has been a failure and you're not worthy of being here, write down the truth, which could be a few things. Maybe it's. I am going through a hard time right now, but things aren't as bad as I feel they are, or maybe it's. I am just as worthy as anyone else feel they are, or maybe it's. I am just as worthy as anyone else of being here or life is important. I will fight for it.

Speaker 1: 12:04

I suffered with a particular fear during these times, and for me because I'm a Christian. I used the words from the Bible in 2 Timothy, where it says God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind. I didn't feel sound, but it helped me wrestle with the fear. Learn your truths and eventually you don't need to read them, you'll just be able to use them at the right time. Let these statements and truths be your bat. Again. This isn't easy. I know that it's a battle, it's a wrestle, but it is worth the fight and once you flex those muscles, you'll start to be able to defend is worth the fight, and once you flex those muscles, you'll start to be able to defend yourself against the thoughts, even if you can't make them stop or beat them in that moment.

Speaker 1: 12:44

There may be times when you just need to distract your brain to get away from them, and that's okay too. Put on the TV, read a book, watch a play, do something to distract your mind, to give you some respite. No one else can do this for you and you need to want to do it or you will naturally spiral with those thoughts. Dan Millman said you don't have to control your thoughts, you just have to stop letting them control you. Tip two close your mouth. Man, this is a hard one and at first you might be thinking what, but I truly believe it has saved my marriage and prevented me losing friendships and relationships along the way, and it's the first part of two that go together. So bear that in mind.

Speaker 1: 13:26

When your mind is dark, when your mood is black, when your thoughts are so judgmental and critical that when you say anything, it proves the tongue is sharper than the sword, you need to learn two things. The first one is to close your mouth. The second one we'll get to next. This took me a while to learn. It starts with the recognition that what is happening in your mind is not the natural you, not the truth, but a version that isn't well For me.

Speaker 1: 13:51

The PMDD made me hypersensitive to noises, ie my husband doing something very normal, overly frustrated with people doing normal things that felt so much bigger, prone to dark moods and anger. I would literally wake up livid and a head full of thoughts that were nasty, self-critical, unfair on others and heavy for me to carry. Now, when I'm in my right mind, I would know whether these things are to be ignored or things to be mentioned, and I know how and when is a good time to do it. But if I'm not in the right mind, the chances are I don't know how to approach this sensitively or kindly, or know when to let something go. So, obviously, if I decide to mention every bad thing that goes through my head, people are going to get hurt, probably the people who deserve it least and the ones you need the most. So here's an important thing to know it's not other people's jobs to put up with your crap. There has to be some ownership and control on your side. And yes, I know, I know this is so hard. This is a tricky muscle to build. We're going to liken this one to a long silent plank. It's horrible, it's uncomfortable, it's difficult. It even makes you angrier inside sometimes, but it can make you super strong.

Speaker 1: 15:06

It took me a while to realise this one. I wasn't very pleasant to be around, even for myself, and I would end up in disagreements with my husband about things I didn't even care about. But for some reason I was fighting for it and I always immediately knew when I'd gone too far. But at the same time it felt like it was my right to say or do it anyway, and I did not know how to stop. Eventually, I realised I had to control this better. Here's the truth of the matter. Not everything that comes into your head has the right to come out of your mouth, and you are the gatekeeper. So on days when my head was overrun with thoughts that weren't helpful or useful to anyone, I learnt to close my mouth. Yes, it is extremely tiring battling thoughts. You don't say it's really hard work, but see it as a mental workout. This is a plank.

Speaker 1: 15:55

Initially you might have similar feelings to the ones I had when I was wrestling with this. Why should I? I'm the one that's struggling. But trust me, when you learn to take control of the thoughts you have and the words you say, even at a time when it's super hard, it will definitely improve your relationships. I see too many menopausal or hormonal women leaving their husbands, constantly getting at their husbands, blaming their husbands for not being more accepting of their bad behaviour. The women even admit they're awful to live with but expect their husbands to put up with it. Well, I have one question for them. Would you, would you live with someone that constantly gets at you, nitpicks, nags, questions your love or relationship, or is mean when you know it's not the real them but they allow themselves to do it anyway? I wouldn't, and you need to be prepared for some funny reactions when you're doing your silent plank. Some people won't understand it. I've been criticised for being quiet and accused of not caring, being judgmental or not interested Because I've been quiet in groups or family situations or meetings. But you have to do what's best for you and sometimes not care about what others are thinking, especially if you know the alternative would hurt them even more.

Speaker 1: 17:06

Francis Bacon said when your mind is overloaded, sometimes the most insightful action is to embrace silence. Practical tip Find other ways to release the feelings you're having. Maybe write it down and let yourself be completely honest about all the bad thoughts and feelings. I do recommend maybe destroying this afterwards, because these can be damaging further down the line to others who might find it, especially as they're not likely to be feelings that you're going to be having for long, or maybe put on a song that allows you to sing or dance in a way that can get rid of the sadness, anger or frustration. Keep a playlist for different emotions so you don't need to think about it much. Write down words you can read or say to yourself when your mind is in a bad place and it's all too overwhelming Truths that you know will help you.

Speaker 1: 17:52

The more you learn to recognise these bad days, the more you will naturally go into the things you know will help you. Those muscles get stronger and suddenly, instead of just painfully holding your silent plank, you'll find you learn to relax into it a bit more and let the world wash on around you without reacting. I learnt to recognise days like this and the moment I did, I would give myself permission to be silent, ignore my thoughts and remind myself it will pass. This sounds simple, but it's actually really hard work. One thing I can tell you, once you manage it, is that it will save you many arguments with others and, paired with the next point, I guarantee you it will help you through the bad days.

Speaker 1: 18:31

Mark Twain said it is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. I think we could say it's better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. I think we could say it's better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and show them that you're really a very angry, hormonal woman inside Tip three open your mouth. Yes, this does sound like I've gone mad with a point that completely contradicts the previous one, but bear with me. Edith Edger said Suppressing the feelings only makes it harder to let them go. Expression is the opposite of depression. Now, some people might not struggle with the close your mouth tip because you don't communicate with anyone about anything anyway. British men, I'm looking at you, in which case this one might be just as helpful for you too. Tk Coleman said our feelings are not there to be cast out or conquered. They're there to be engaged and expressed with imagination and intelligence.

Speaker 1: 19:26

So once you've identified the awful days and the thoughts that you're dealing with, there is great power, healing and release in being able to open your mouth in the right way to say the right things. What do I mean? Well, this is another very tricky thing. For some, this will even be harder than the previous point, but it's vital, and it has probably been the best thing in my marriage for getting us through this and helping my husband come on the journey with me and not just get battered in the process. I'm going to let you in on a secret. The other people around you aren't psychic. Even people who know you really well, they don't know what's going on in your brain. Heck, you don't even know, so how can they? So it's really important to learn how to communicate it, and I found that keeping this really simple is the key.

Speaker 1: 20:11

There are two ways that opening your mouth is going to help you. One, on good days, when you're feeling in a normal headspace. For you, having conversations about what you're feeling and going through with those that you live or work with is something that will help pave the way for the bad days. Find some quality time with this person or people with no time pressures could be a parent, partner, sibling, child, colleague, friend and tell them that you want to have a conversation. That is hard for you but important. Tell them you want to include them because you value their relationship and you need their support. I know this isn't easy stuff to even say for some people, but trust me, most people that love you will instantly want to have this conversation. Then tell them what it's like in your head, how hard it is to control, why it's happening and what you're doing to try and help it. Give them time to process and ask questions. Tell them your fears and how hard this is for you to talk about.

Speaker 1: 21:06

Use I messages, not you messages. This is a great tip for any relationship, marriage or work chat. Say things like I'm finding it really hard to not you make me. It's far less confrontational and easier to hear. Try to phrase everything you're saying around how it makes you feel, not what's wrong with them or why they should be understanding. This is not about causing a fight or picking faults or just listing what they need to do for you. It's about helping them to understand. Then tell them that you're going to try to communicate how you feel at times like this, but it's hard for you, so you're going to use specific words. We'll cover that next. Hopefully, if they love you, they will listen and want to know how they can help If you haven't got someone like that. If there is no one that would be that committed to you, then try to find someone that understands and can help you through. This. Might be a doctor, a support group or a friend or a neighbour or a colleague. Don't make the assumption others around you won't care. There's usually someone out there that would love to hear you talk.

Speaker 1: 22:03

Two, the second way to open your mouth is on bad days. I've found that if you can verbalise how you feel, having already prepped your partner or whoever it is that you're going to do this, it can help massively. You'll see how I've done this in the practical tip I'm going to share. But it's another thing that sounds so simple but is very hard to do. But it is also a muscle that I've found is much stronger now and comes more easily. In fact, my husband has even started doing it too, which I love. I think I'll see this exercise as the reverse plank, arguably even more uncomfortable than the normal plank, but you only need to hold it for a very short time and it's outward facing, because this is about looking at others while you're doing it. Practical tip. So here it is.

Speaker 1: 22:48

My lifesaver, or marriage saver, I should say, was uttering four or five words. And again, you need to tell your person in advance that this is what you're going to be saying, so make it specific to you two. Maybe it's a funny sentence, maybe it's got curse words in it, maybe it's just simple, like mine. For me, I would tell my husband I'm so angry right now. This was often at a time when he had done nothing wrong. There was no reason for me to be angry. I just had all that emotion in me and I wanted to say it before he did something that might make me want to lash out, because we talked about what I could say in this situation before he knew what this meant and he'd know I was struggling and that I might be quieter that day or need space. Sometimes I would tell him I feel so antsy, which was just uncomfortable in my skin and unsettled about everything. But when you say these words, you need to do this with zero expectations that they will do anything in return, because there's usually nothing they can do. But even just voicing it, I found halved my emotion instantly. They also immediately know that it's something going on in you and not something they've caused. Just being able to say this, which is very hard at the time, and not carrying it all on my own made it instantly so much easier. It didn't take it away by any means, but it didn't feel like I was struggling alone anymore, and saying it out loud made it real somehow and shared it in some way. Mark Brackett says my message for everyone is the same that if we can learn to identify, express and harness our feelings, even the most challenging ones, we can use those emotions to help us create positive, satisfying lives.

Speaker 1: 24:24

Tip four be kind to yourself. We've done the hard work and now we're on the warm down and just like're on the warm down and just like warm up or warm down exercises. There'll be those that relish these and those that wonder if there's even any point to them because they almost seem too easy. But there's a hidden benefit to these exercises they're preparing you to start getting active or to start to slow down. In the situation of mental health, I found this most used when I'm needing to slow my mind down. I think this is probably like the basic crocodile pose in yoga. Just google it. The whole point of this pose is to lie down and relax into the floor, although even with this one, some people find it harder than others.

Speaker 1: 25:00

I found it really hard at first. Being kind to myself in the worst moments meant that I needed to allow a day or two where I just rested and reset. I found this super hard. I found I heavily judged myself for needing to do that. I was critical about myself. I felt like a failure because I couldn't just buck up. I didn't want to be someone that accepted my situation and sat on the sofa all day. I felt that made me look weak and I feared the moment I allowed this to become my identity, because then I'd become a person I never wanted to be. I didn't ever want to be someone that needed to rest because I was struggling with mental health issues.

Speaker 1: 25:37

Well, here's the thing to remember. No one does, and I was terrified. People would think I was just lazy Because, let's face it, it can be hard to tell the difference looking in sometimes. I've never been someone that was going to give in to a diagnosis and let it define who I was. So I don't like using labels for why I was feeling under the weather. I thought that gave the diagnosis more control than I wanted it to have. However, I've learned that sometimes it's important to mention to people who are interested what makes me that way, to give context to things I'm experiencing or writing or podcasting about. But I'm still terrified of becoming the label of someone with PMDD or struggling with mental illness. I think this is something a lot of people find hard when they're faced with something they always assumed they could avoid. There's an arrogance to that, but then we all like to think we have control of our own heads Until we don't. So even now I struggle between the self-care route and the fear of becoming lazy or giving in to something I don't want. For example, I never use the word phobia. I have fears, but I don't say phobia. For example, I never use the word phobia. I have fears, but I don't say phobia.

Speaker 1: 26:32

I once spoke to an NLP neurolinguistics programming person who helped people get over their fears and phobias. When we first met, he asked me if mine was a fear or a phobia. I thought for a moment and then said fear. He told me that helped him to see where I was with it. If you see it as a phobia, you often view it as something that controls you or that you can't control. If you see it as a fear, it tells him that potentially you see it as something already that could be overcome. Pretty much all phobias are irrational. We all have natural fears like heights, dying and things that can kill you. That's just survival instinct. But a lot of the phobias that people have are irrational things because other people get on fine with them, like buttons or birds or spiders in a country where they can't kill you, or sharks in a country where you never see one. Therefore, that can be changed, because it is possible to conquer fears, but only if you want to, of course.

Speaker 1: 27:19

Dale Carnegie said you can conquer almost any fear if you will only make up your mind to do so. For, remember, fear doesn't exist anywhere except in the mind. So for me, anything I get handed in life in my eye has to be conquerable. I refuse to be someone that will be pushed down permanently by anything, least of all my own brain. So that's why the self-care route has been hard, because I have had to give in to it and admit that I need to do something that might look lazy or selfish to feel better. However, I also know that's a stupid view, because if we don't care for ourselves, we can't care for others. Driving yourself into the ground really isn't a goal that anyone's aiming for.

Speaker 1: 27:57

Kristen Neff said self-compassion is not about comparing yourself to others. It's about accepting yourself as you are and embracing your journey. So, all that being said, it's really important that on days when you feel at your absolute worst, you put things in place to allow that to happen and give yourself grace and kindness for it, just as you would any other person, and put aside the thoughts of what anyone else might be thinking. This all massively depends on you and who you are, how you are brought up, your personality type, etc. Some of you will know that if you take a sofa day, you need to be careful it doesn't turn into seven unneeded sofa days. Others will take a day and feel the guilt for the rest of the week. So get to know yourself and what you really need in those moments and let yourself have it. Self-care can be as simple as recognising your emotions and then reacting accordingly, as my previous tips have mentioned. The quicker you recognise and label them accordingly, as my previous tips have mentioned, the quicker you recognise and label them, the easier it is to talk about them and find ways to express and regulate them if needed. Brené Brown says talk to yourself like you would talk to someone you love Challenging for a lot of us.

Speaker 1: 29:01

For me, at my absolute worst, I need to be somewhere comfortable in something comfortable never pyjamas, slippery slope during the day, but comfy jeans and clothes. On the sofa, with something on TV that distracts my mind, but also something I know well and feel safe, with no new information or scenes to contend with. I need to allow myself to sit this out without the huge guilt that wants to settle on me for not doing more. I also know that a hot bath and a novel is my safe place and this is something I can take myself to when I'm really struggling. Know what helps you feel happy and safe and go to it when you need it. Hot water bottle that's another one for me. That's another reason I create Hermann's, because when you can't have a sofa day and you need to go to work or to an event and you're struggling, there's something lovely about having something or someone with you that understands and reminds you to be kind to yourself. Practical tip Once you find these things, if you live with other people, tell them about them. It's been a huge blessing to me when I'm at my worst and Chris can spot it, or because I've told him that he will steer me to the sofa, make me lie down, put Schitt's Creek on TV, cover me in a blanket and tell me to stay put. If you don't have someone that can help you in this way, then write it down and have a notebook or a wall or a Pinterest board or a folder with things in it that you can do on a bad day and read your own advice to yourself and then go do it.

Speaker 1: 30:24

On our podcast episode about self-awareness with Katie Elliott, she told us about the Amico cards. I'll put a link in the show notes. It's a deck of cards with things on each card that you can do for self-care Ideas to help you feel good in a moment when you can't work out what you want to do for yourself. Things like have a glass of water, go for a walk, contact a friend, have a bath Lots of ideas to see what you might feel like in that moment. Jean Shinoda Boland said when you recover or discover something that nourishes your soul and brings you joy, care enough about yourself to make room for it in your life.

Speaker 1: 30:58

Tip five don't lose hope. Hope, he's an elusive little fellow at times. There have been moments when I was just clinging to hope by my fingernails, one of the things I would tell myself when I didn't feel it was. There is hope, and I owe a lot of that not just to my faith but also to our podcast guests. I've heard so many people say after surviving horrific things that they knew there was always hope, that it was true, even if they didn't feel it. A quote I use a lot on the podcast is Desmond Tutu hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness. And I would say the same to you. There will always be days when hope is the furthest, weakest, most ineffective thing you could think of. But just plant it deep in your soul so you know, even on those days when you come out of that funk, it's still there, because you will have good and bad days. The good days might not be great days or even normal days, but there will be slithers of good that appear and in those moments remind yourself you are not alone and there is hope, and then cling to that, remember it. It's so easy to lose hope and hard to find it sometimes, but it's always there. George Weinberg says hope never abandons you, you abandon it.

Speaker 1: 32:14

When I think of an exercise for hope, I think of a star jump. It's a joyful, fun thing to do. It stretches your limbs, reaches for the sky, leaves the ground, feels amazing and raises you up. But it also takes energy, it takes effort, it can't be done half-heartedly and, once again, that won't feel easy at times. Hope isn't always easy to find. It doesn't just come to you. You have to choose to believe in it. Choose to jump Practical tip.

Speaker 1: 32:42

Find something that speaks to you in a profound way about hope, and have it to hand when you need it. No, I'm not about to sell you Hermann's, but that is one option. It might be a song or a quote on the wall, a poem you read, a book you love. Whatever it is, make yourself see it, read it or listen to it when you're in the dark and feeling desperate. For me it was a worship song that spoke deeply into where I was and the hope that there is still to come. It's called Seasons by Benjamin Hastings, and the words just spoke to me about the fact that, yes, I might be in winter right now. I might just be a buried seed, the winter might be long, but there is a promise of the barren becoming beautiful, of seeds growing into sequoias, of hope for a new season ahead. Find your thing and make yourself use it when you can't see hope for yourself.

Speaker 1: 33:29

Martin Luther King Jr said we must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope. So they're my top things that have helped me and saved me in dark times. They're also things I have noticed that come so much easier to me now that my muscles are getting stronger. Well, the mental ones anyway. I still need to work on the physical ones and, like I said, I've even had Chris come to me and say I feel really angry and I don't know why, and I instantly feel compassion for him and I give him space or I steer him to the sofa and cook dinner for him. In fact, we've recognized another one we can use between each other, and this one is a real kick in the gut to hear your partner say but with context, we understand it now and it's I don't really like you right now, but I don't know why. Ouch, I told him to feel free to use it anytime, but every time I hear it it's like a knife in my heart. Then I have to remind myself it's not personal. I know that feeling well and that's okay. Even with that, we've noticed that just saying it out loud helps the feeling ease inside. But don't try that without first having a conversational agreement that you can use that sentence and the other person knows what you mean. And that's another final tip I'll give you Don't lose sight of other people.

Speaker 1: 34:37

It might be hard to engage with life and other things going on around you, but don't give yourself permission to not bother with other people. For example, birthdays, anniversaries there are so many ways now to celebrate others with minimal effort. Set reminders on your phone when they ping, send them a birthday gif on WhatsApp, send a card directly from a website that does it all for you. Don't check out of life. It's too wonderful and it'll be too hard to rejoin later on if you do.

Speaker 1: 35:03

Keep your gratitude for life for still being here another day. Many people would envy you still having that, for still being here another day. Many people would envy you still having that. As Clarence Oddbody said in the film, it's a wonderful life. You see, george, you've really had a wonderful life, don't you see what a mistake it would be to throw it away? Don't throw away the life you have, especially on the days when you really want to Build muscles to carry it a bit easier, it can be a wonderful life. I truly believe and am clinging to that, but sometimes it just takes a bit of fighting for.