If your response is 'absolutely not' then this festive episode might not be for you. But if you sense a sad little 'yeah it is' voice deep within, then we're hoping this opportunity to hear from a mix of our previous (and future) podcast guests might bring you some comfort.
We're Claire and Chris Sandys, hosts of The Silent Why podcast, lovers of deep conversation, building community and marzipan (that's mostly Claire).
We're also childless (not by choice) which adds a layer of discomfort to this special time of the year, so we understand those that aren't full of the festive spirit, and so do many of our guests, who have been through all kinds of grief and hardship.
Our guests have recorded snippets for us about what makes Christmas hard for them, but also how they draw comfort through the season.
Thank you to Sue Brayne, Virginia Solomons, Lori Alcorn, Alina Mavis, Sasha Bates, Lisa Newman, Peter Ellis, Elizabeth Leon, Jennifer Bute, Lis Whybrow, Stephen Downes, Greg Williams, Samantha Langford and Sheridan Voysey.
Plus, a beautiful piano rendition of In the Bleak Midwinter recorded especially for this episode last year by the very talented - Jon Sandys.
We know not everyone's Christmas will be happy, but we are finding we can all have hope, so we're wishing you all a very Hopey Christmas instead.
And we've got small episodes of hope coming out on the podcast every day this week, to help you know that you're not alone.
If you're listening live. Increase the jingling sound effects... [bell sounds]
Claire :
And this week, we're putting out an episode every single day between Christmas Day and New Year's Eve, because we want it to just be a sort of, what's the word, a comforting presence in the festive season when it can be, you know, difficult for some people.
Chris:
Let's be honest, all the Christmas greetings, the cards, the sayings include the words happy or merry, but for some people, maybe that's a wrong assumption, maybe it's not a happy Christmas or a merry Christmas for them. So we're here to help.
Claire :
And over the last couple of years, we've had a lot of guests obviously talking about loss and grief. And they've all had times when they felt that Christmas especially has been quite tricky for them. So we thought it'd be really nice to include them in a special episode asking them what did they find hard about Christmas, but also what's brought them comfort, because we're all about finding that extra bit of hope. And you might recognise some of these voices from past guests. But there's also a couple of future ones in there, too.
Chris:
So whatever you're feeling this Christmas or even right now you're not alone. And that's one of the key messages of assignment by podcast that we love to share that you're not alone. And one of these voices, no doubt you're about to hear will have something to say that will speak into your situation. So over to them...
Stephen:
I find Christmas hard. So I want to like it. I really do. But I don't, I just find it a really difficult time of the year. And there's not one specific reason behind finding it hard. There's a lot of things that have built up over time. But I guess historically, it stems from finding a lump in my neck on Christmas Day morning back in 1997. And that lump turned out to be Hodgkin's lymphoma. So not the kind of surprise you want to be finding on Christmas Day morning. And that cancer diagnosis has changed my life forever. And in many ways for the better. But Christmas will always be the day cancer first came into my life. Conversely, the thing that gets me through Christmas is the grounding. And the sense of perspective that cancer is adept at instilling that despite twice having had cancer, I'm still around, I've experienced the excitement Christmas wants held for my now nearly 14 year old daughter, and still very much holds for my six year old son. And I suppose that's what gets me through it, wanting to have those experiences wanting to share and enjoy it with my children to see them safe and well smiling and happy. Because ultimately there will be dads whose cancer will have robbed them of that experience. And that's what gets me through it.
Sasha:
I find Christmas hard because everyone else is talking about spending time with their families. And it makes me miss my husband, all the more because he was my family. So with him gone, the lack of other people is very obvious. So I really miss him and being able to share with him how much both first disliked Christmas, even when he was alive. I take comfort from the fact that him not being here liberates me from having to do anything that I don't want to do. It gives me permission to say, I'm gonna go away, I'm gonna ignore Christmas altogether. And nobody questions that. Because I can say it's because I miss him, which it is. So there's a liberation of being able to say no, so all the things that I don't want to do.
Sam:
I often find Christmas difficult, because it's like the veil between past and present almost becomes thinner. Memories are much closer to the surface. Sadness comes much easier. And the simple fact is that I miss my brother. I miss who he was, who he could have been. And I miss talking to him. But I take comfort in those memories. I remember him as he was, and I embrace all of Christmas. I choose the good memories and the happy times I choose joy. Well actually, I still talk to him. And I know he will be proud of my achievements. And I kind of know what you'd say back to me most of the time anyway.
Greg:
More and more. I find Christmas hard because eventually the season ends and the decorations must be put away. The one thing I take comfort in is that more and more I am learning Need to cherish the memories while I am living them, because I realise the season won't last forever. And that's the deal.
Sue:
I find Christmas tough because I'm on my own, and my children live abroad. And I can go to friends. But it isn't the same as having your own family around you. So I often and this year I'm doing the same, I go on retreat, and I find that really soothing for my soul. The one thing that I enjoy doing at Christmas, because I am on my own is to light a candle for everyone else who is also on their own, or who might be feeling lonely or abandoned, or is having a really difficult time in a family situation. So I just really enjoy holding that space for everyone to have a little bit of peace in their hearts. However difficult things might be.
Virginia:
I find Christmas hard, because last year, my mom passed away at the age of 92. And my first Christmas without her was very hard. I love Christmas movies, the Hallmark Christmas movies, and I couldn't even watch those Christmas movies, I couldn't put up a Christmas tree, because she wasn't yet to do it with me. And to watch the Christmas movies with him. It was very, very difficult. I didn't do the Christmas things that I always used to do with my mom. But yeah, God pulled us through. And this is now another Christmas without it's not as painful as it was last year, but it is still painful. What I find comforting, though, is that there's a special Christmas pudding that she used to make. And I've made that last year, and I'm making it again, this year, she made the pudding, she made a special kind of ginger, ginger colouring. And every time I do those, it's like she's still with me and telling me put a little bit of this in a little bit of that in. It's very comforting. And I get excited, because I still have that piece of with me.
Sheridan:
I think the thing I find hardest about Christmas is it's the one day of the year where everybody reverts to their biological family, everybody goes home for Christmas, they go back to their biological tribe. And so what happens if you don't have like an immediate biological tribe to go back to or indeed to enjoy Christmas morning with, I think that's the thing that I'm a little bit concerned about in the future as to whether that's going to be more and more of an issue for us as we get older. What's really helped has been planning ahead, it's making sure that you have somebody to go to Christmas dinner with or have Christmas lunch with or have somebody over to your place or do something on Boxing Day with, it's actually having some plans where you're going to be with somebody over the Christmas period. Actually, you know, I've never felt really lonely at Christmas time and married and I've now walked the childless road now for what 20 odd years, because we've been able to always have some time together with other people. Or indeed, if we've wanted a Christmas by ourselves, we've enjoyed that too. So planning ahead can really help make sure that you're with somebody, or you're inviting somebody around.
Lis:
I suppose what I find hard at Christmas is that it's both my mom's birthday in the lead up to Christmas. And it was also one of her favourite times of year to be with family. And particularly the music she loved listening to all of the Christmas music at Christmas time. But it is what we can continue to enjoy. And to value is the lovely Carols that a son at this time of year. And also the traditions that she instilled in us that we continue in her absence but also remembering her in
Alina:
The Christmas season is really hard for me because it's a reminder of all that I've lost the joy, the happy families, the celebrations, it's just not the same once you're grieving. My favourite way to cope with the holiday season is to well, is to skip it. I have really taken the liberty of skipping things that don't feel good to me without apology. I have to take care of myself in this fragile time.
Elizabeth:
I find Christmas hard because our son was born on January 4, and died on January 5. The next day, in in our faith tradition we celebrate the 12 days of Christmas. And for years my family would sang the song On the 12 days of Christmas, beginning on Christmas Day, one new verse every day all the way until January 6. But after John Paul died, it felt terrifying. Because every day we were getting one more day closer to the 11th day of Christmas, when he wouldn't be here anymore. One thing I take comfort from at Christmas is that as a woman of faith, the Holy Family was a mess. So at Christmas, I know that I can be in grief, and find the beauty and know that I am not alone in the middle of the mess that I'm in. And it doesn't have to be perfect or shiny. But it can be beautiful and hard, and scary and sad and joyful, all at the same time. It helps me to give myself permission to just be however we need to be at Christmas.
Peter:
Christmas reminds me of past times, they may have been fun, but they may have been sad to get Christmas a story of hope. In hard and cold times. In my situation and devastation. I've had to move from a position of certainty to a position of uncertainty. I have found faith has to be restored. And this means hope is reignited.
Jennifer:
I find Christmas hard because so often the real meaning of Christmas is obscured by the razzmatazz of other things which are lovely, but should also include the true meaning. And the one thing I take comfort from is that the true meaning of God's love for us doesn't change whether we remember it or not.
Lori:
I find Christmas hard because as a child of Christmas felt like the entire month of December. And our family had a collection of cherished traditions and festivities that made it special, which I still miss to this day. Because most of them I will never be able to replicate without my own family. In the same way. The one thing that brings me comfort at Christmas is just remembering that this holiday is actually supposed to be a reminder of hope and reconciliation. It's just as much about the future as it is about the past. And what reminds me the most about that is some traditional Christmas carols like the ones that sing a thrill of hope. The weary world rejoices for yonder breaks a new and glorious mourn. Or the hopes and fears of all the years are met in the tonight. And they remind me that there is hope for tomorrow.
Lisa:
I find Christmas hard because I haven't been able to have children. And I always see this time of year as for little ones to enjoy. And that it's all about giving and being there to cheer them up and make this time special for them. The one thing that has helped me and given me comfort during this time is to get in touch with the little me inside and to allow her to play and explore and have fun and to lighten up and to give some of what I give so generously to other people to myself as well and not see this as a selfish act. But to see this as an extremely necessary nourishing part of well being and getting into the Christmas spirit. It's the best gift that I can give myself is to ramp up my own self care, my own play and my own little parts of adventure. I am sending everybody well wishes and blessings and love during this Christmas period.