The Silent Why: finding hope in grief and loss

Grief in Ghosts: The BBC sitcom observed

October 28, 2022 Claire Sandys
The Silent Why: finding hope in grief and loss
Grief in Ghosts: The BBC sitcom observed
Show Notes Transcript

I love the BBC TV sitcom Ghosts and so when I watched an episode in the latest series that revolved around grief and loss (the very themes my podcast is based on) I just had to re-watch it. Twice. And then I thought, why not share my musings with you too? And so a new addition to The Silent Why family was created.

Welcome to The Silent Why, a podcast exploring every type of loss and grief and all the places we find them.

I'm Claire Sandys and every now and then, among our regular episodes and my audio blogs, I've decided to share another love of mine - commentating on fictional storytelling. And to remain on theme I'm going to explore specific programmes, books or stories that handle grief or loss in a particularly good (or maybe even bad!) way.

The first programme I'm dissecting is a recent episode of one of my favourite British TV sitcoms - Ghosts, from the BBC. Specifically Episode 4 of Series 4, called Gone Gone. 

SPOILER ALERT: This episode does contain spoilers from 5:40 onwards, basically after my husband's impromptu piano rendition of the theme tune (which is well worth hearing, and really hard to play!).

So join me as I take a closer look at the themes of grief and loss in this episode and how the writers and producers handled a subject very close to my heart (and my podcast).

To see what these Ghosts look like, you can view the sitcom trailer here:  https://youtu.be/5e0nB1mSd9Q

To watch the episode visit:
BBC iPlayer:
https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/p0d0mkkc/ghosts-series-4-4-gone-gone
Amazon Prime:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/video/detail/B0B8T2GNB5/ref=atv_dp_season_select_s4
Apple TV:
https://tv.apple.com/gb/show/ghosts/umc.cmc.2grssoqzw298ke40dfed13j74
Just Watch:
https://www.justwatch.com/uk/tv-series/ghosts/season-4

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Thank you for listening.

Claire:

Hello. Welcome to The Silent Why podcast. And something a little different today. Usually on a Friday, I put out the audio version of my weekly written blog. However, this week, I'm straying from the path. Why? Well, basically because I can. I'm Claire Sandys host of The Silent Why podcast, which is exploring 101 different types of loss. And this week, completely unplanned, the topic is probably rather applicable for Halloween, because it involves... ghosts. One of the things I've recently added to my bucket list is something that's probably just a bit mundane for some people is their actual job. But it's not something you can just pay to do either. I would love to sit in the writers room of a TV programme, film sitcom, comedy, drama, anything fictional, basically, I'm happy to just watch, maybe make the tea, don't need to be paid for it, just to see a team of people writing something, batting ideas around and eventually putting together a great script. That would be amazing. And if I'm really honest, I'd also want to then be on set to watch the actors, deliver them, and then sit in the editing suite and watch people put it together, and then be part of the test audience to dissect what doesn't doesn't work. But that just feels a bit greedy. So anyway, in lieu of not being able to do that, in my working week, I just pester my husband by analysing what we're watching on TV instead of pausing it every few minutes to utter, 'did you see what they did there?' Or 'what do we know about that character from just that one scene?' or with a big sigh uttering 'info dump!' So as you can imagine, I need an outlet for this past time. And since I happened to already have the controls to a podcast, why not inflict it on you instead? Don't fear though, I'm not veering off topic, I'm sticking to good old grief and loss. I just thought that when I see it done really well on TV, or maybe really badly, I'd record some of my thoughts on it to help us see how its portrayed to other mediums like fictional characters. I'm kicking off this new adventure by analysing an episode from one of our favourite BBC sitcoms, Ghosts. Ghosts, as described on BBC iPlayer as "a grown up comedy from the Horrible Histories team". This 'team' consists of a particularly clever and very funny group of individuals that I was first introduced to via another comedy they did called Yonderland. Ghosts is on its fourth series, which is currently running in the UK now, the iPlayer describes it as "a cash strapped young couple inherit a rickety country mentioned only to find it teeming with needy ghosts". It's also been adapted in the US by CBS, but I haven't seen that yet. In this latest series, Series four, Episode Four called Gone Gone, they took on our familiar topic of grief and loss. And well, it was masterfully handled. And this is where I have to give you my spoiler alerts. From the moment when I start commentating on the programme. There are huge spoilers for this episode and the programme as a whole. So if you ever intend on watching this programme, or this episode, and you would rather not know what happens, go away now. Watch it all, and then return, because it's well worth it. I'm personally one of those people that needs to watch things without knowing what happens next. I struggle with friendships with people who read the end of books first, how can you get the full experience the writer intended if you know what's coming? That's why one of my bugbears is a Netflix little preview videos that they give you it gives away something huge before you've got that far in the programme. Anyway, if you've already seen this episode, or you're not that fussed about it, or you're never going to watch it, then come with me, because I will certainly make this accessible to anyone listening. You don't have to have seen the programme to get something from it. I'm going to have the episode playing as I talk about it as well. So it's almost in real time with what happens, but I am moving past bits that aren't as relevant to the arc that I'm following. If you want to do the same, to have a visual about what I'm talking about, then you can go to BBC iPlayer. Search for ghosts series four, Episode Four. Obviously, you won't hear any of it on the podcast much as I'd love to use clips, but that would probably land me in a whole load of copyright issues that I'm just not equipped to deal with. To give you an overview of the programme for newbies - a young couple called Alison and Mike inherit a giant rundown country mansion where a distant relative of Alison's dies. Early on in living there, Alison falls (is sort of pushed by a ghost but that's another story) out of a window and ended up in a coma for two weeks. When she wakes up, it turns out she can now see ghosts. Now watching this we've been able to see the ghosts around Mike and Alison in this house from the start. But now Alison can see them too. Mike can't. And there are nine ghosts plus a load of plague victims in the basement. The ghosts have all died in or around the house over hundreds of years, and they're all wearing the clothes that they died in.

These are the nine main ghosts:

Robin, who's a caveman, the oldest inhabitant he was there before the house was even built. Thomas, the romantic poet looks like he's straight off the pages of a Jane Austen novel, shot in the abdomen. Julian, the Member of Parliament who mysteriously died without his trousers on. # Lady Button, aka Fanny, owner of the house many years ago, Edwardian, very posh pushed her window by her husband to her death. Pat, the scout leader accidentally shot through the neck with an arrow by a child practising archery. Captain, a World War Two army captain who served during the war in the house. Kitty, a Georgia noblewoman full of joy and childlike wonder. Humphrey beheaded under Elizabeth the First, his body and head are constantly being separated. And Mary, peasant woman from the 17th century burned at the stake for being accused of being a witch. So come with me as I walk you through how the writers and producers handled grief and loss in Ghosts, Series four, Episode four, Gone Gone. Right, so here we go. So in the opening scene of this episode, we have the Captain doing a talk with all the ghosts, I think they're about to go on a bird sighting tour or something is a huge event for them to pass the time, I won't go into all the things that happened in this episode aside from what I'm focusing on, because I want to focus on the grief side of it. But at this point, they realise that they don't know where Robin is one of the other ghosts, the caveman, and they spot that they haven't seen him for a few days. And then they start to ask, maybe he's been "sucked off", as Mary calls it. Now, it was only recently in this series that we were reminded with a flashback that at a certain point in their afterlife, these ghosts can be"sucked off", which basically means their time has come to move on, and a bright light takes them up into the sky. We saw this in the first scene of the first ever episode, but we were very cleverly reminded of it again, earlier in series four. Anyway, someone looks out the window, and they spot Robin running around in the field. And then they all laugh about the fact that he's outside, and there's a big sigh of relief. And it's all like, oh, that's fine, he's here. But then at this moment, as they're chatting, this bright light shines on them all. And they all turn around. And as they turn, they see the light on Mary, the peasant woman who was burnt at the stake for being or potentially being a witch, and then she goes up into the light, and she's gone. And she just sort of says this 'Oh' as she goes. And this is really shocking, because we've never seen this happen. We've heard about it with a character we didn't really know. But none of these main characters have ever had this happen. And then just as they all stood there looking at Robin appears in the doorway, the caveman, and he mentioned that he's been watching a mouse family. And he asks, 'Who wants to see a baby mouse?' And all the ghosts are in shock. And they tell him that Mary's gone. And it's just this this moment, and then we're just thrown into the opening credits. And we're wondering, like, is there a way for ghosts to come back what on earth has happened? We all love Mary, what on earth is going on. And then as we get past that the first scene is Alison, who owns the house sat at the table with all the ghosts around her. And she's just heard the news, and she's trying to process it. And they're all just in shock. And they're describing what happened. And then Mike appears, her husband, who's acting very normal, because he can't see the ghost, he doesn't know what's happened. And he's about to start planning a kid's party that's happening in their space later on, they're renting the house out for different events. So he's on top form. And he's told about the news, and he doesn't understand straightaway. And obviously, he has less feelings about it, because he's never seen her. And he doesn't know Mary. He's never met her. But he's very supportive of Alison, eventually, and gives her a hug. But what's really interesting is that from this moment onwards, we start to see the grief and the combined disbelief splinter out from this one shared experience, into different coping strategies that each character starts to adopt. So we've got Fanny, who was Lady button who owned the house, she's practical, old school, she starts to say things like, 'it's what she would have wanted','you don't need to dwell on it','no point fussing'. And then you've got Kitty, the Georgian lady who cries and runs from the room crying out, 'she's gone. And I don't know what to do'. We've got Julian the MP who thinks that Kitty is just making a fuss. We've got the captain the World War Two captain who wants to help organise the party and he demands to have some jobs to do from Mike, even though Mike can't hear him. We've got Robin the caveman, he's very excited that there's going to be a party in the house. And then we've got Pat, the scout leader who takes on a sort of more supportive role. And he said he will go and find Kitty to see what's upset her. So then just after four minutes in, we see Pat approaching kitty, and she's crying and he wants her to stop. So he's telling her 'she's not gone, you know, she might still be with us', which gives Kitty a bit of hope and kind of stops her briefly. And then he kind of moves into this very unplanned spiel of make-believe to kind of find a way to explain it, they end up with Kitty thinking Mary might be a ghost-ghost. So Kitty starts to speak into the air and say hello to her and she asks Pat, 'how long do you think she'll stay like that?' And Pat replies with '3 months'. So I'm already here for this mix of emotion and humour that they're blending into this episode, but because it's just it's seamlessly done and they hold them both in such a sensitive way. And he continues to detail to Kitty these bigger and bigger levels of befuddling make-believe in an attempt to make her kind of feel less sad and stop her feeling the loss really. And I kind of wonder at this point, if he's avoiding it himself as well. And then we do jump scenes from here from the people that are grieving through to the party planning, where Mike's trying to sort that out. And this amazing portrayal of, you know, life and joy and children, just like life is. I love how it's like the two combined with each other. When someone's planning a funeral, there's always someone celebrating a birth, and it just seems to echo that tension in life. And I love that they chose a birthday party to put in as the other story arc in this episode. About 7.5 mins in, we go back to Pat and Kitty, where Pat is continually building on these make-believe lies that he's coming up with to make Kitty feel better about where Mary might be. And then Alison goes to get ready and finds the poet Thomas, the ghost, in the bath. He's 'gathering thoughts' and'calming the turbulence in his head'. And Alison maybe suggests that he stays busy instead. And Thomas starts to talk about Mary, but he quickly makes it all about himself, and the'meaning of death' and what people do when he's not around anymore how they're going to cope with that? And the irony of a ghost suggesting this is not lost, then we go back to the party area. And we see, Julian, the MP getting angry because Alison has used one of his party ideas. And he starts to rail about how others use his ideas in Parliamen, and then he just storms off. And we're starting to get a glimpse of this real response that he's had of just pure anger stuff around him. And I just love how in all these scenes, the grief and the reactions, they're just running through it all the time. The only relief is kind of with the party planning, but it just shows how life is just going on, in and around the grief. As you know, both of these things are just moving through the house seamlessly. It's just so well done. And then about 11 minutes in, we've got Alison and Mike in the kitchen, and they're party planning for the kids. And Pat arrives the scout leader and Mike leaves to go and get food for the kids. And as he goes, he shouts back through the door,'what are kids eat?' And Pat just replies, even though he can't hear him with the word'beige!'. Which is just, I just love how it just keeps bringing me out of these like amazing, strong emotions of grief and loss back into like laugh out loud moments, and Pat reminisces about food for kids. And he gives Allison a list. And again, you can sense all these things that he's lost, you know, these things he used to enjoy. He can't taste food, and he mentions Scotch eggs, and you can see the memories flowing through him of what it would be like to eat a Scotch egg. And Alison thanks him for looking after Kitty and Pat says he's just trying to explain it in a way that she understands. And Alison agrees but says you know, obviously, but don't give her false hope. And his face just drops. As he realises, you know, he may have already got to that point. And he just mentions that she's you know, she's finding it hard to process, but he's trying to help. And then we move on to the Captain who's outside just directing cars that are coming in for the party, obviously, they can't see him so they don't go where he points and some of them drive right into him and you see half of his invisible body vanish. But you know, he's just busy busy doing what he can to just avoid everything he's going through, but in a very humorous way. And then around 12 minutes in, we go over to Fanny, Lady Button, who used to own the house, who's very posh. She's snoozing in front of the TV and it suddenly announces that loose women's coming on. And she wakes up and she shouts for Mary like'Mary, Mary. It's about to start' like, you know, 'Come and join me'. She knows Mary's gonna want to see this. And then she suddenly realises that she's not going to come. And she just utters this sad, 'Oh, Mary'. And you can just see this realisation set in, 'my friend is not here, and she's not coming back'. And then we dropped back downstairs to the party where Alison is chatting to the parents of the kids whose birthday it is. And the parents use the words 'full of life' while looking at all the children and something is just triggered in Alison. And she starts to talk about how precious life is and how easily it can be snatched away. And it's a moment and a conversation that's so out of place, but we can see Alison processing what's going on. And again, the realisation that someone she loved is no longer around and one by one all these characters are just finding their way to that point of 'she's gone and there's nothing I can do about it'. And it all starts to boil at this point because Thomas comes in starting to panic about time running out for him and all the stuff he wanted to do again despite the fact he's dead. Then the Captain is trying to get more jobs. Julian the MP is yelling at a tea pot for being in the wrong place. Fanny arrived shouting 'Mary's gone! What are we going to do?' Robin the caveman is just dancing and watching it all. And then Alison asks the Captain to gather all the ghosts in the library and she goes to her husband Mike and says, 'I need you to take over the party'. And Mike is so supportive and understanding and he just frees her up to go and do that, and just help the ghosts to get through what they're going through. And then around halfway through the episode, we're in the library, and Alison is telling the ghosts basically no one is coping with this. Robin wants to be at the party, so he runs back to that. Kitty starts to tell Alison that Mary has gone to the next level and she starts to spout all the gubbins that Pat has told her about the second level and unicorns, and the Gate of Herbert and the wise wizard Larrson. And once again, we just find ourselves laughing, while in the middle of like sharing their grief. And so Allison suggests this memorial service for closure and asks Thomas if he would write a eulogy for it, and Fanny just announces 'we must mourn'. But then they all start to yell suggestions of what this could look like. And the Captain wants to use and find some guns and starts to want to plan that, Julian's yelling at the books because he's noticed that they're not in alphabetical order, Fanny talks about wearing black and using orchids, Kitty starts to chant to the unicorns and Thomas starts rehearsing his talk. Pat apologises for telling Kitty all that stuff. And Alison just says over the noise, 'let's meet in the orchard at 3pm'. And in a deflated way kind of says 'I'll sort the rest out myself'. So the room is in chaos. But for me at this point, I felt a bit like it was the coming together of so much stuff we've seen on the podcast, the reactions to loss, the stories, the experiences, all the stuff we've heard, all very different and individual, but very relatable and realistic reactions to what's happening. And I felt like this scene was just watching all of that come together in one place, and how it just doesn't work. You just you can't get through it as a group as a community like that with everybody doing their own thing all at the same time. Then later, we've got another scene with Pat and Kitty. So the scout leader and Kitty, the Georgian woman who's upset. And after more party troubles and stuff with Mike, we come back to the quietness of this room with the two of them. And Pat tells Kitty that has only a certain number of layers, and eventually Mary's journey will have to be over. And Kitty just says to him'she can't get back to us, can she?' And Pat answer's 'no. But she is at peace'. And I just got chills with that scene. I think it was the honesty of it. It was a bit like watching a parent who has been told their child isn't going to survive, or a partner who has been told that they're going to be alone now, or like a man who's found out they can't save his leg or woman who's not gonna get her sight back, just all those honest moments of loss, where you hear the truth and there's just nowhere to hide from it. But it's put together in this loving, safe environment with a friend, with the two of them. And it was just such a special moment and every time I've watched it back, there's this chill with the whole kind of realisation of 'No, she's not coming back'. And then we move from that to see Alison and she's sketching this beautiful illustration of Mary. And Thomas comes in to ask if he can run his eulogy by her. And he enters the room by saying gentle knock, as he mind is knocking on the door because he can't touch it. Which again, just took me from this moment of chills because of the emotion through to just like laugh out loud, kind of chuckles because of how they write these guys. And you know, the way they adapt, he wants to gently knock and come in the room, but he can't knock on a door. So he just says the words 'gentle knock'. It's just it's just so beautiful. And as he starts to share his eulogy, Alison points out that he's made it all about himself again. And you see with him this moment of realisation as he's annoyed with himself and he knows what he's done. And then glancing down at the sketch of Mary, he just says, 'but how do I...' and then something clicks. And he just said he knows what he needs to do, but he needs Alison's help for it. And we don't know what that is. So we're just we're left wondering at that point. And then seeing more party stuff downstairs with entertainers coming in and food and all these little fireworks and music. We go from that and then we just move outside, and we see Alison gathering with the ghost in this silent orchard. And Alison thanks them for coming and points out that they've all been running from the one thing that is uniting them all, and that they're all feeling and that's grief. And you know, with what I do with the podcast, the minute I hear that word and put across like that so poignantly I'm just'yay', like, you know, facing grief, I feel like it's such an important thing to do. And this feels like a moment where it's, you know, it's got centre stage. And Alison points out she thinks they need to take time to remember Mary. And it's one thing that they can all do together and she introduces Thomas and they all moan because they know what he's like. But he recognises that he was in the wrong to think it was about finding the right words. And so instead he's asked Alison to gather some items to remember Mary. And again, this is huge shift as another character just changes in the light of what they're facing. And that in itself is a true tribute to their missing friend. And then Alison picks up this wicker basket and holds up items that regular watchers are going to know Mary for. And the basket itself, Alison explains that she made with Mary's instructions. And she points out the height of the basket and all the characters say, 'five potatoes high', which is a throwback to the first ever episode of Ghosts. And they decide they're going to bury the basket. And then people can visit it when they want to remember Mary or say a prayer. And there's this moment where they're just united in facing it and knowing what they need to do. And then we see another stage that all the characters move to in their grief journey. Lady Button, thanks, Alison and says that she will say a prayer for her. That's how she's going to remember her. She also gives a catty remark about Alison not being able to wear black anyway, as it doesn't suit her. But then the Captain starts to get busy again like, 'well, there's lots to do. So let's carry on'. And Alison just stops him and says,'You don't have to be busy anymore'. And he's like, 'Yeah, but if I stop..', and Alison's is like, 'It's okay, we understand'. And then Julian explains that he's not really angry with them, and they understand that as well. And then Robin, the caveman runs up to the group and tells them that the party is getting good, why aren't they all in there? And Pat, the scout just questions him 'Do you care at all?' And he replies with these words, 'I've been around a long time, like a really long time. I've seen this happen so much. Can't do this. Every time. The pain...' He glances at Mary's drawn illustration. 'I deal with it in my own way'. But he says it like a caveman, which I'm not even gonna try and impersonate. And then Alison suggests they have a minute's silence. And they're all together. And then partway through, we start to hear the music from the party ramping up. And Robin suggests that maybe Mary would like them to have some fun as well. And then the scene just flips from that straight into the house where all the ghosts, well, mostly, I think, Lady Button's just watching with disdain. But the ghosts are dancing to Gangnam Style in like a musical statues game. And Alison goes across to Mike her husband, and thanks him, and comments on how much he loves him, and how good he is with kids, and they exchanged this look, that gives us all hope that there's a baby to follow one day. But it's also this beautiful hint at new life, in the shadow of death. It's underlined by the singing of Happy Birthday, the celebrations of new life just continue all around a life that's passed. And it's just it's a lovely coming together. And there's a big birthday cake that's there for the kids to blow out the candles of and there's a sweet moment when Mike says 'Who wants cake?' And Pat, the scout leader just puts his hand up and some of the guys smile at him. And again, there's that recognition of things lost things that they miss, just loss runs through it on so many levels. And in the very last scene, we see all the ghosts following Alice out of the house in the dark later on that night. And they walk out onto the huge gravel driveway in front of the house. And they realise that Humphrey, the beheaded ghost hasn't been with them all day. And they have this brief moment of worry that he too might have been 'sucked off'. And there's an interesting response that they never worried about that before when they didn't see a ghost, they thought they were somewhere else in the house. But now it's changed how they see things. But then they hear his head calling from nearby on the grass. And they realise they need to break the news to him. So Kitty offers to do that. But they will quickly stop her. And the Captain goes over instead. And he picks up his head and walks into the house saying I'm afraid I have some rather sad news, continuing to echo his need to feel busy, but now directing it in a way that's useful and appropriate. And then the rest of them stand and they look up at the stars and Robin the caveman says, 'This is what I do every time one of us moves on. I find them a star. That's where we go. Woosh. Back to the stars'. And he starts to point out the stars by name, 'Clarence Godrich, Elizabeth, William', and he laughs 'William! Allie', and they choose one for Mary. After Pat points out one that turns out to be the International Space Station. But they pick one with a twinkle that represents her. And then the episode draws itself to a close. Many people are heartbroken at the decision to axe Mary's character. And at the beginning of the episode, as we all sat in shock, I might have felt the same. But when something like this is done so well, and with such class and dignity, it feels like completely the right thing to do. And it took the sitcom to a depth that I think needs every now and then, they all do. And it's not easy to achieve. But I think if you pull it off, it's pretty impressive. And I think they've managed to do that without any great loss to the sitcom itself despite the fact we'll all miss Mary's character. I feel like this episode displayed not only the tension we live in between life and death, parties and mourning, but also what the right marriage can look like when comedy and tragedy are brought together in the right way. At no point did the humour minimise the pain, or the grief stop us from laughing. It was handled with respect and wisdom and the wonderful easily missed art of storytelling. It displayed all the ways we grieve and how as humans, we cope with it. All the different people, the one that had seen so much death, that they had built their own self protective measures to get through it, they don't have the luxury of falling apart every time because it's too painful. There was the one who got angry and directed at everything but the thing that deserved it, the grief, the injustice, the loss, the pain, choosing to direct it and teapots, other people and books. The one who got so busy to try and ignore and hide from the pain that might sink them if they stopped for just a minute. The one who needs to explain away the situation to make it not seem real and remove it because they don't know how to face the reality. The one that wants to cry, mourn, shed tears and break down. The one where death prompts a self realisation that in order to honour what is lost, we have to take ourselves out of the equation. The one who sees the grief in others and creates a safe space to allow them to feel what they need to feel and stop running. The one who keeps going so that others can grieve. The one who's lost to find out and misses the time of remembrance and needs to be told with understanding and come to terms of what they weren't a part of. The one who tries to just get on with life and tell themselves it's fine, 'that person's in a better place' until they can do it no longer and something small brings them face to face with all they've lost. The one that's gone, once loved, now missed, leaving a huge hole that will over time change shape and size as life moves on without them. All these people navigating a loss, with a love that has suddenly got nowhere to go. And it all happened under the same big roof- the house which almost symbolises life itself as it holds everything together, joy and pain, dancing and crying present day in history or moving around each other and finding their way. So I want to say thank you to those who put this episode together even though you're unlikely to ever hear my thanks. These poetry like expressions of real emotions, and topics like grief and loss fused with comedy serve a greater purpose than just entertainment. I didn't even touch on the stages of grief or the stages of death and dying as they were originally coined by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross featured in the characters. But you can see denial in the Captain and Fanny, anger in Julian, bargaining through Kitty and Pat (and the social media fans!), the depression through Alison, the acceptance through Robin, Thomas, the list goes on. So that's the end of my 'TV Stuff' as the audio folder is currently called on my computer. I hope that you got something from it and then wherever you are on your journey with loss, grief or ghosts, you gain some insight into all this important stuff that we put in the folder called 'grief'. For more about me, you know where to find me visit the show notes or www.thesilentwhy.com. And I'm going to finish this episode like I do every episode with a quote, and I'm going to use the last two words that they finished the episode of Ghosts with, said by Robin as he was looking up at the stars:"Goodbye Mary."

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